Nearly had a freakin' heart attack...

So today was the ultrasound to see if I responded to the Femara for reals this time (remember Friday was too early to see anything).  She rooted around my left ovary for quite a while, and I asked her how we were doing, and she shook her head.  My heart sank.  Then she said, “it’s not looking any different from last time,” which is the sentence I’d been dreading for weeks.  I started cursing inside and outside, and imagined the next few months and what the hell I was going to do…then she shifted over to the right ovary and there it was, a gigantic, and I mean gigantic, black mass, something I’d never seen before.  “Oh, here we go…”  A 21 mm follicle.  Just one, but one’s all I need.  I can’t even describe the relief. (btw, this pic is not my ovary, but it looked a bit like this)

So normally I’m used to seeing my ovaries with lots of little gumball sized black masses on them.  This was like a jawbreaker.  She assured me 1-2 ready follicles is normal at my age, so I didn’t have to worry about being an underachiever.  Now of course is the issue is there a viable egg in there…?  The question of “how could this possibly not work this time?” is answered by “the egg may not be viable.”  Considering the stat they gave me last time that a woman my age only produces about four viable eggs a year, I guess actually the odds of this time failing are pretty good!

Tonight I trigger; a friend graciously offered to come over and shoot me up.  I could do it myself, but if I can get the help, I’ll take it.  The clinic offered to scan me again tomorrow for free to make sure we don’t miss my ovulation (IUI is scheduled for Thurs AM, but who knows, I could ovulate tonight and miss it if I wait that long) so I’m taking them up on that one!  I’m glad they’re being so proactive – I feel confident that short of a bum egg we’re covering all bases to make sure this try is successful and no mistakes are made.

Seeing that massive follicle today solidified for me that I for sure didn’t ovulate in April.  I would have remembered seeing something like that.  April I remember looked like I always look – lots of little gumball follicles (probably in the 5-10 mm range).  But this time something is for sure happening.  Thank God for technology!  Maybe they’re offering to scan me for free because they know they screwed up that time.  Whatever the reason, don’t mind if I do.

Now as the planner (read: anxious personality) I am I am thinking one step ahead, so I feel like I have a plan (and thereby create the illusion of being in control of any of this).  When I go in Thurs I will ask: if this IUI doesn’t work, can I do the next one just like this one, as in, Femara + trigger shot, being as the drug does work for me?  Can I delay my next period by taking progesterone for a few more days so I’m not out of town during my next cycle?  As it stands as you know end of June, July, and August may be out if I don’t manage to delay my period a few days.  So hopefully there’s a way to push things back a few days so I can keep trying. 

Spent another weekend engaged in my Tribal Activities surrounded by men talking about music, so was pretty oblivious to all this stuff for a few days thank goodness, other than nightly check-ins on my favorite app, What To Expect.  Lots of interesting stuff in the Fertility Treatments group page, in particular discussions about “mini IVF” which is of interest to me if I continue to fail at this whole medicated IUI thing. 

So I danced (a little), sang (a lot), contemplated my event (a lot), networked, and kibitzed with a drag queen who subsequently friended me on Facebook and sent me a note that she “loooved my turban” (I was in a 40s fashion  show).   

Last night I had awful dreams – one, that I was headed for IVF (shudder); the other about a married man telling me I can come visit him from time to time and he can pretend to not be married.  Yuk!  I’m sorry, Freud, but I refuse to believe dreams are wishes.  If that were true I’d be having dreams about being a parent, not this crap.