Took my first dose of Femara today. I am thrilled that they are teeny-tiny little pills and not giant horse chokers. I documented the moment with a video log. Not sure what I’m going to do with this video log I’ve been keeping since November, but I try to capture all the milestones.
I was able to move my Seattle trip to accommodate the Day 10 ultrasound (at a cost of $137). There are so many variables between now and an IUI. But I feel like I reached one hurdle just being cyst-free and allowed to take the meds and proceed with the cycle.
So Day 10 could reveal a few things. I could not respond to the meds and have another canceled cycle. I could respond too well and have a canceled cycle. There could be some other unexpected problem (lining too thin, etc). However, all of these are pretty rare and unlikely. Then there’s the issue of follicle size & when to trigger. I am hoping against hope that I can trigger once I get home Monday night and not have to bring a syringe and a controlled substance on an airplane, also have to shoot myself up at some stranger’s house, or more likely, in the bathroom of a cramped, sweaty dance event while I’m about to go on stage and sing. That would SUCK. So I am just PRAYING that the growth is slow enough that I can trigger Monday night or later for a Day 15 or 16 IUI. But, you know what? I’ll do what I have to do. If I have to come home early and spend another $137 to change the return leg of my flight, I’ll do it. If I have to cancel the whole trip and piss everyone off, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything. Because this is probably my last chance for a long while.
I hate the idea of being 6-7 weeks pregnant at my event at the end of July, which is off the charts stressful and full of not eating, not sleeping, and heavy lifting. Not exactly ideal for a new pregnancy. But you know what? I’ll just have to figure it out. I’ll have to ask for help, force myself to eat regularly (I usually don’t just out of stress), let myself sleep in the mornings (have someone else do the early morning set ups for once), and practice my new found stress-relieving techniques. I know I can do it. And if I tell a few key people my situation I know everyone will rally ‘round and help me. So, it can work. It’s just far, far from ideal. I would hope though that if I do achieve a pregnancy this time that I’ll be so thrilled I’ll be willing to put up with any inconveniences. After all, I accept that if I have a kid everything will be inconvenient from now on, so might as well start now!
I’ve been thinking about the process for this “try” – the medication, the trigger shot – and (perhaps naively) thinking, “how could this possibly not work?” I mean, I’ll be so closely monitored this time (two, maybe three ultrasounds before we go) that we won’t miss anything; and the meds + trigger shot should pretty much guarantee ovulation, and a good “strong” one at that. We know the sperm is good; there will be no more ambiguous OPKs (thank God). So…how could this possibly fail? And yet I read other bloggers’ long, heartbreaking stories of BFN after BFN with no explanations. If I do get to try this time, I just don’t know what I’d do if it didn’t work. Especially considering the fact that unless my cycles switch around pretty dramatically, I’ll only have ONE more try for this entire year, since I am out of town or unavailable EVERY ovulation cycle until January. So, if June gets canceled or fails, this is going to be a pretty grim second half of the year, I’ve got to be honest.
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