Camp sign up craziness

Well. After missing the kids’ usual rec center camp sign up because they moved it a month early, I’ve been waiting three weeks for today, when a second batch of camps open. I even communicated with one that said to just come by this morning and that registration starts at 10. I sidled over there at 9, assuming I’d be the only one there and would just play on my phone for an hour.

OH NO. I get there an hour early and there’s a huge line of at least 60-70 people, many of whom brought chairs and coolers and looked like they’d already been there for hours. The guy working at the front of the line was telling someone else that odds of getting in weren’t good, so I decided to cut my losses and go home and try the online system for the camp the boys went to in I think 2018 or 19. Their online system wasn’t up, and upon calling, they said to just come by, so I hurried over. This line wasn’t so bad - only about 10-15 people, and I had high hopes. 

BUT. It took two and a half hours to get to sign up. Why it took so long, I have no idea. Slow system, they said. Each person seemed to take 15-20 minutes. In the meantime the online system seemed to be working sporadically, so people would drive up and say they had “just signed up online” (WHAT) and were just there to drop off paperwork. It was maddening. I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do if I finally got to the head of the line only to find out they just sold out. I kept trying the system on my phone, but it continually crashed, said things were unavailable, made me go through endless “prove you’re not a bot” tests then only to tell me I couldn’t select things. This went on for hours. By the time I finally made it to the window, I was a nervous wreck. The phone was ringing off the hook and the beleaguered parks & rec worker had to keep pausing to answer it, telling other panicked parents to come by but spots were filling up fast. People in line had friends or partners at home trying on their computers, and one by one they dropped off as they got spots while I still waited. Oh, it was infuriating!!

Long story short, we did get in and all is well. And the fact that this particular camp, which was very under-attended five or six years ago and not very well run, is now suddenly so popular, says to me maybe they’ve improved. It’s crazy when even your “last resort” is still this stressful to get into. 

Sometimes when you get so focused on “getting” a thing like this, you get tunnel vision and forget to evaluate if it’s even worth it. Do the kids even want to go to this, or any, camp? I haven’t even told them about it because if they express the slightest negativity about it I know I’m going to lose my mind. But there’s also the fact that, of course these kids don’t want to do anything but play video games. Their ideal summer is staying in pyjamas, not brushing their teeth, eating ice cream and playing Gorilla Tag on their VRs every day. Do they really get to choose that as their summer? Of course not. So off to camp they go, but I have a feeling that Bobby, at least, is kind of over it. Not many older kids go to these camps - they’re really for the 5-7 year olds - so there may not be many kids their age to play with (which is where the eagle rock camp was better for them). I just don’t know. It’s like, I should feel happy and relieved and grateful that I pulled off the impossible and got cheap childcare for two kids for the whole month before school starts (and right when I need to focus and work the most), and I am, but I’m also kind of ambivalent. This doesn’t solve the problem of what the heck I’m going to do next year when B is 13 and too old - try to convince him to do a CIT program? Make him do a CIT program whether he wants to or not? Let him malinger at home while Theo still goes by himself? Let both kids malinger at home? I know it’s a year away so I really shouldn’t be even worrying about it, but I’m going to have to figure it out before next spring. Now that I know how completely nuts the parks & rec summer camp sign ups have become, I know how much more hyper vigilant I’m going to have to be now. The days of strolling by the day camp opens to register your kid are long gone. 

In other news, we had a lovely and HOT weekend in the desert. It was mid-high 90s, which is actually unusual for April. I got my ass out of bed on Saturday to do yoga at the Palms, which was great, and the rest of the time read hundreds of pages of various books (Welcome to Wonder Valley and Nomadland) sitting in the chair hammocks, and helped set up our shower with the water heater I bought three years ago. 

Just for last weekend we had it set up on the east side of the house, but will try to build something more permanent along the side of the shipping container. I have to say, having a hot shower was a revelation out there. 

Time is running out before it’s no-go time until late September or October - we can really only manage two more weekends before we’re out for the season. I don’t know if we can get a shower structure built in that time. 

Because of the hot days, the nights were incredible - Saturday we had a nice fire and lay in the hammocks and it was warm and delightful. That’s what being out there is all about. I wish we didn’t have such a tiny window each spring and fall for good weather, but at least now we know that with insulation the place stays warm in the winter, so even 40° nights are easily tolerable without any heating at all. The H says he still wants to go in the summer, but he was wilting even in the 91-95° heat, and summers can be 110-120° pretty consistently for months. That’s not manageable. Even if we had AC, what the hell would we do all day? Sit around, bored, in a tiny box? What’s the point? Also, my band is on for every Sunday at Knott’s all summer again, so weekend trips are pretty much out. 

Tonight I’m going to try a new Y in DTLA to try a “power yoga” class. I’m not really up to it - I’m fasting and on my period and generally out of sorts - but maybe I need the distraction, and I’ve already dealt with uncomfortable, triggering things today so might as well just pile on one more new, vaguely threatening experience. 

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Two nights ago Bobby casually dropped an information packet on my bed in which I discovered we have to pick all his classes and electives for 7th grade RIGHT NOW. I freaked out slightly, but watched the infographic they had set up on the website and he and I went through the choices together. He had the option of picking honors or regular subjects - with the understanding that honors would require more work on his part. He chose honors math, and a college-prep STEM thing, but otherwise no other honors. I think that’s smart - I don’t want him to burn out right out of the gate. We have no idea what this new experience will be like; best to be conservative at the moment. I was such a language and writing kid, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that these kids are brilliant at math and loathe pretty much everything else. 

For electives, naturally I would have loved for Bobby to get back into playing an instrument, but he wasn’t all that interested. He wanted the art and animation classes, with band a distant third. He may end up in it anyway. But I’m still traumatized from our violin experience, so I’m not about to push that on him unless he personally wants it. 

It’s wild to think these choices we made in April will be his life next year, and he won’t know until the first day of school what he got! I looked at the current bell schedule, and it’s going to be interesting - Theo will get out at 2:38 (unless he has a club) but Bobby doesn’t get out until 3:30. I’m not sure what to do with that difference. I think there’s going to be a lot of sitting around in cars the next two years. It’s not enough time to reasonably shuttle one kid home to go get the other; and with Theo out earlier, he’d have to be the one to walk over to Bobby’s school if I wanted to pick them up together, and I’m not crazy about the idea of 10-year-old Theo crossing busy streets and then hanging around a high school by himself waiting for his brother. Anyway. I’ll figure out a system, like I always do. Most likely, sit around in the car for 45 minutes waiting for Bobby. 

In other news, diet is slow and steady. As of Monday it’ll be two weeks, and I’m down three pounds. I wish it were more, considering how aggressive I’m being currently, but I know this is a healthy rate of weight loss and I should be happy about that. I don’t feel like I can really start celebrating until I hit the five pound mark. Then it actually means something. I could have lost three pounds by doing absolutely nothing. 

This week I worked on the expanded schedule for 2025. I’m having a lot of anxiety over the customers’ reaction to the news - I imagine it’ll be mostly positive, but what if it backfires, and people feel like it’s too much of a commitment and they want to just skip it entirely? I called the hotel to reduce the amount of guest rooms on opening night just in case. It’s hard trying a new thing. The last time I did this was moving to Labor Day, which was in 2013. So it’s been a long time since I’ve made any changes. I would hope that not raising the prices would help if anyone had objections, plus knowing there’s an added day a year in advance. It’s odd to think that this will be our lives from now on - heading to the hotel Wednesday night, getting kids to school and picking them up Thursday while we set up all day, four full days of classes and contests. It’s a lot, to say the least. And with shifting things off of the night dances and expanding some things, I’m not really adding anything new, per se, just spreading out existing things, which bugs me. It’ll be interesting to see how the vibe changes with more downtime during the day. My hope is it feels less frantic and people can relax and have more hang time. I’m glad I have one more event this year on our usual schedule while we adjust to Bobby’s new life. Both things changing in the same year might be a bit much. 

Rounding down the year

Announcements are coming in for 6th grade culmination stuff - graduate pictures, picnics and softball games and ceremonies. It’s a thing. And the only graduation B has had since preschool and probably the last one before high school (I don’t know if the jr/sr high he’s going to does anything for 8th graders - maybe?). Things are happening.

I’m also having one of those “maybe I need to rethink this” moments with regards to summer camp plans. I had every intention of signing the boys up for their cheap rec center camp as usual - they always open sometime in May for registration. On a whim last week I checked the website and discovered to my horror that randomly this year they opened on April 1st and the camp is full with long wait lists. So that camp is impossible, as are half the other rec center camps within a reasonable distance. Thankfully a couple - highland park, and the one they went to in I think 2018 - don’t open until April 22; highland park says you have to do it in person that morning, which I will try to do. However, it may not work out, and I need to accept that. This would have been our last year, anyway - Bobby ages out at 13 - and these camps are pretty low budget and poorly run. However, they are (relatively) cheap all day childcare when I need it the most. And they get to go on fun field trips and not be on screens all day. I have a lot of anxiety about trying to manage their time all summer - I have to work, it’s not entirely practical for me to be cooking and cleaning up three meals a day, arranging activities and policing their online time. I mean, if I must do these things, I must, but it fills me with dread. Summer is insanely stressful for me under any circumstances; adding in all day childcare for nine weeks and I’ll just about lose my mind.

It’s not like there aren’t other options, but they’re all twice as expensive. $400-$600 a week for each kid for a month is way above my pay grade. And, things are already full. So, I’m going to do my best and be super aggressive about getting the kids into the highland park camp, then maybe consider the one in San Fernando they went to years ago, then maybe if I have to, try the full time childcare thing. This may be my future, anyway - maybe just jump in now…?

Today marks the beginning of week 2 of my diet challenge. Three pounds down, with the understanding that most, if not all, of this weight is just water weight from my trip. But more important than numbers moving is the fact that I’ve found it pretty easy. I haven’t been driven mad by hunger, even on my two 800 calorie “fast” days. It feels sustainable, even if it doesn’t turn out to be. I’ve just got to keep this up for four months if I want to fit into my favorite clothes again. Continuing with my workouts, which is challenging with my very painful arthritic toe and stiff shoulders from frozen shoulder, but I’m doing it, and it does generally give me a good mental boost as well. I’m forming new habits - not snacking, drinking more water, taking the time to make salads, etc - and it gives me a lot of hope for the future. 

I signed contracts for 2026 & 2027 and today signed the addendum to add Thursday night to 2025. God I hope that works out. 

Twelve and spring break

Bobby turned twelve! We celebrated with the (now traditional) crappy Cookie Puss cake from California’s sole Carvel store. 

Immediately after, we packed up and left for our week in an RV exploring parts of the desert we haven’t been to before. 

We spent two nights in panamint valley to the west of Death Valley, at an impromptu “star camp”. It was just dry camping but with a) a nerdy guy with a telescope giving us a description of what we could see that night - he was a dead ringer for Bobby’s 6th grade teacher, b) a giant chess set (we must get one of these for the cabin), and c) a tent with a vintage video game console in it. It wasn’t much - especially with the stargazing limited because of the full moon, which explains why we were the only campers - but it was enough to keep us entertained for the two days we were there, along with a trip to nearby Ballarat ghost town. On the 4 hour drive to the area we hit some heavy winds which had me in absolute terror - nothing like driving past “campers not advised” signs when you have no choice but to keep going. Thankfully we did not topple over on the freeway nor get crushed by a toppling 18 wheeler. 

Our next stop was the Trona Pinnacles, our first attempt at boondocking, which was successful. We had a long hike among the pinnacles, which I loved, and if it hadn’t been extremely windy it probably would have been my favorite spot. 

Then we did a long drive down to the hot spring resort which, bizarrely, I thought we had stayed at before, but it turned out we hadn’t. It was our first time in days having full hookups for the RV, which meant no more panic over running out of water or having full waste tanks, and having full electricity. We soaked in the tubs surrounded by (probable) Trump supporters, listened to horrid country music blasted by our neighbors, and had a fun half day on a utv racing around the desert trails, which the H absolutely loved. It wasn’t as bumpy and unpleasant as I’d pictured. It’s not really my thing, but of course all three boys loved it. As if to offset all the testosterone flying around, my period started early. Hello.

After two nights we took another long drive - this time through a rain storm - up to the Mojave National Preserve (one of my favorite places) to boondock at the Kelso dunes. With the rain and cold, spending the day frolicking in the sand dunes was out, sadly, but it was a gorgeous spot, and we even saw a double rainbow once the rain stopped.

The next day we headed to the much anticipated tour of the Mitchell Caverns, which was closed for a long time even before the pandemic. It was a fun but bitter cold day (I really should have brought our winter coats).

Then, home, and the frantic packing up of everything it took to sustain us for a week as a family of four - half the kitchen, bedding and clothes and toiletries, several bags of food, electronics and cleaning supplies. Today I did three loads of laundry and grocery shopped and put things away the entire day. I’m exhausted. Kids return to school tomorrow. 

How was the trip? It was good! The downsides were: as usual, RV issues (gauges not working on the waste tanks so we had to guess when they were full), collapsing refrigerator shelves so every time we opened the fridge door there was a cascade of food, driver’s side mirror came loose so we had to finagle around to fix it, only two of three burners worked on the stove and were almost impossible to light. Also, the constant frustration of never being able to find anything - every time we drove we had to pack all the cabinets with towels and pillows otherwise the rattling was deafening; I felt like I could never find my glasses, water bottle, toiletries, clean socks, because things were always being shifted and moved around. But, that’s RV life for you. At least we had a relatively stink-free toilet, a hot shower, and a comfortable bed. The places we went were all amazing, and I even got my favorite hit of creosote smell after a rain, and enough quiet time to myself to feel like I actually went somewhere. We met our goal of not eating out except for one lunch in Ridgecrest, which saved some money, and it felt good to know we always had plenty of food on hand. 

Now I have to plan our summer New Mexico trip, which I’m woefully behind on. Normally I have these things set months in advance, but as of yet I’ve done zero actual booking, only come up with a vague plan of things to see. At the moment I don’t have the energy. Right now my biggest priority is getting my contracts signed with the hotel (I’ve been back and forth all day with minor details). Also, dieting again, starting today, with my friend Michael as an accountability buddy. Maybe having someone to check in with will keep me on track. We shall see! 

Kicking the can down the road

I got the hotel proposal, but only for 2026. It was, thank god, a good offer, with no ballroom rental fee and a guest room rate only $30 higher than our current rate (as opposed to $90 which was what I was expecting). So relief all around, there. However -

I emailed back to bring in the subject of adding a day and night on to my program, and she wanted to talk on the phone, so we just did. Adding the night is no issue for 2026, but may not be possible next year due to another group using the space. Kinda sucks but kind of ok, too - also, it may turn out we can use it. However, the one thing that happened that raised red flags for me was the fact that they only want to give me contracts for two years. In the past they’ve never done less than three - and my current set is five years. I asked why and she said “they’re just not contracting anyone beyond 2027.” She also said that she pleaded my case to “finance” and they all agreed I was the best fit for that weekend - which, I guess, is nice, but the fact that they had to have a meeting to consider if they even want me anymore was a bit concerning. So I feel a bit…I don’t know…strung along? Like, we’ll keep you until 2027 but after that you could be replaced. The most likely issue is they’re unwilling to get into long term commitments - which I get - and want to see if they can “do better” in three or four years’ time. I guess I should be grateful they’re giving me a good deal and my place is (or will be, unless something happens between now and signing) secure until 2028. But it’s also possible the reason they don’t want to commit is something like the hotel is set to be sold or demolished. I mean I guess I shouldn’t be worried about things I have no control over - most likely I will continue to have a good relationship with them for as long as the event lasts. But I also might be moving location or weekend by 2028 which is a bit scary. Oh well…I guess we just kicked that can down the road a few years, but it’s still going to have to be dealt with. Sigh.

In the meantime, Bobby turns twelve on Sunday, and the next two days are going to be all about packing and preparing for our RV trip to the Death Valley star camp (two nights), Trona pinnacles (one night), Glamis hot springs resort (two nights), boondocking by the Kelso dunes (one night), Mitchell caverns tour, and then home. Then the boys just have two months of school left, I’ve got to sort out what will probably be their last year at cheap rec center summer camp (Bobby ages out after this year), and then BAM my event is upon me. 

Spring has sprung around here and summer is constantly on my mind. I know I’ll regret it later, but boy I can’t wait for it to be hot and school to be over. I’m going to give the boys more free time this summer - I figure I’ll only have them in camp the month before school starts (assuming I even make it in - last year I barely did). Talk has begun for 6th grade culmination stuff - picnics, softball games, graduation itself, which hopefully my sister can come out for. It’ll be Bobby’s first *real* graduation, shifting from one school to another, since preschool. I don’t know if he’ll have another until actual high school graduation. Then our lives change forever when he starts at the junior high down the road and and he and Theo are separated again for two years. It’s hard to get a sense of what, if anything, he thinks about all this. Maybe these kids don’t overthink and catastrophize the way I did/do. At least he’ll be with friends. It was super cute, and heartwarming, to see him at his birthday party with all these kids he’s known since he was five. I never had that, but I’m so glad they do. 

Birthday gauntlet almost complete

This weekend was the much anticipated (read: feared) dual birthday party at the trampoline park. I got myself a bit worked up fearing the overstimulation and chaos I knew was coming. But in the end, it was actually pretty ok. We had about 17-18 kids total, way too much (terrible) pizza we later “donated” to the local homeless encampment, just enough cake, and mostly gift cards for presents, which alleviated my fears of the house filling up with plastic crap again. The check-in process was a bit crazy - some parents left their kids to figure out how to check in on their own, and of course there were always problems (unsigned waivers, couldn’t find waiver, etc etc) and kids were just wandering around aimlessly not knowing where to go or what to do. Luckily I knew these kids (they weren’t Theo’s new friends I don’t recognize) and so was able to grab them and fix whatever issue was happening at the desk. It was a real eye opener as to how helpless kids still are at this age. It’s easy to forget, sometimes. 

Enough parents stayed that I got to chat with, and I have to say it was nice reconnecting with these people after so long. Naturally most of the conversation was about junior high next year, and also how much everyone hates the new principal at our old school (lots of comments like “you got out just in time”). Most of the kids in Bobby’s class will also be going to the same Jr/sr high - I think for many of them it was kind of the only option, since they made the decision to keep their kids in elementary school for 6th grade, all the most sought after jr highs with gifted programs filled up for 6th and have no spots for 7th. I wonder how many people intentionally held out for our school like we did, and how many found out the hard way they should have moved their kid last year. 

Still, I’m glad Bobby will be going forward to a new school with so many friends. I never had this when I was his age, and I feel like it’ll make the transition so much easier. Also, selfishly, it’ll make me less anxious for him. His class toured the school last week and he seemed positive about it. I’m very much looking forward to whatever orientation they offer us as families before the school year starts - I have zero understanding of how the school works, or what we’ll be facing come August as far as drop offs/pick ups/homework, etc. I’m worried Bobby is not at all prepared for how hard it’s going to get. I do remember for myself how difficult it suddenly became in 7th grade - there was a lot more work, the material was much harder, and we were suddenly inflicted with mid term and final exams, which I loathed. Bobby is already forgetting homework and not doing well on these Latin root tests his class has been doing. It’s a delicate dance to know how much I should be breathing down his neck and how much I should be letting him figure it out. Unlike me at his age, though, he does not appear to be plagued by perfectionism, so I’m worried he doesn’t mind failing tests or not turning in work (things that would have horrified me at his age). Still, his teacher seems to think he’s doing just fine, so I don’t know how much I need to worry about all this. Well. I guess when he starts at the new school we’ll see how he does. 

Now all we have left is Bobby’s actual birthday on Sunday - I’m going to drive to Santa Monica to try to get him a cookie puss cake from California’s only Carvel store again; then we’re officially done with “birthday season”. As always, it was exhausting and expensive. But everyone had a good time and was celebrated, so I feel good about it.

Next up, one more week of school and exercise classes and then we’re in an RV for a week. We’re going to a Death Valley “star camp” for two nights (a camping set up in Panamint valley with telescopes, a giant glowing chess set, and a tent set up with video games for the kids so they aren’t too miserable), then to the Trona pinnacles which I’ve always wanted to check out, then two nights at a hot spring resort with an atv rental on one of the days, then back up to the Mohave national preserve where we’re finally doing a tour of the Mitchell caverns. I’m hoping we can swing by Bombay beach as well to see what new art installations they have going on. I recently became a patron. 

In the meantime, I’m tackling my existential dread head-on and am making strides towards securing new contracts with my hotel going forward. I finally got to chat with a friend of a friend who’s a higher up at another hotel chain, someone I kept missing over and over for weeks while I spun my wheels (she’s very busy), and the conversation was very helpful. She confirmed what I already knew - that because of new labor laws, it is impossible to get any kind of group room rate at hotels under $200/night these days, and that I should definitely be making decisions about adding food in to offset costs. She said I should ask the hotel for a proposal for the next few years, and I did. Once they put something together for me, she said she’d go over it. I’m very grateful to have someone helping with this process. But I’m also having realistic expectations as far as what they’re going to offer me. I think the future of this event is going to be much more expensive rooms with a much shorter window for booking - and I know I’m going to lose some people because of the rising costs, and I’m just going to have to live with that. When 2026 rolls around and our rates go up, I’m going to have to be transparent about why, and also give people a reasonable expectation as far as when rooms will sell out. Most people will get it. We all know everything has changed in the last few years, costs of everything have skyrocketed. At least I still have this year and next before the sticker shock moment. And hopefully I can add in that extra day and night next year to make people feel like they’re getting more event for the same price. Fingers crossed this all goes well. My entire future literally hinges on it. 

Here’s a picture of Bobby being awkward at his birthday party (he is for sure my kid).

No more single digits! Theo is ten

This big kid turned ten yesterday. We had a little family party with singing and a cake and a few presents - a Percy Jackson book set, a fancy head strap for his VR, a bubble gun and a solar robot kit. He seemed pleased. 

What is Theo like, at ten? He’s very different from his brother, which means he’s very different from me. He’s easy going, social, extroverted. He’s a morning person, doesn’t get emotional at movies, and has recently been disliking more and more foods which makes it challenging for me (all he’ll eat for breakfast these days is applesauce). He’s excelling in math and doing well in school. Unlike last year’s birthday party disaster, this year he’s got ten kids coming from his old school and new school. The kid can dance. I hope he pursues that in some way. At ten, he still enjoys a cuddle, which is delightful. He’ll watch my trashy reality dating shows with me. My relationship with him is very different from my relationship with Bobby, just because they’re so different and need/want different things from me. But I sincerely hope they both feel equally loved, because that is definitely true. 

He’s in!

First thing this morning I got the acceptance letter that Bobby made it into the gifted program at Eagle Rock jr/sr high. So, years of speculation are now settled - he’s in! Coincidentally, all of the 6th grade classes are touring the school tomorrow, so that will be his first window into the next six years of his life. It was unlikely that he wouldn’t make it, but there was always that chance. I’m glad that’s settled. I hope the parents get another tour, too. It’s been a couple of years so I don’t remember much about it, and I have no idea how the school runs as far as how the schedule works for 7th graders. I *think* class starts a half hour later than Theo’s school (in California, junior and senior high schools are mandated to start no earlier than 8:30) but I don’t know when the school day ends or how much those start/end times are influenced by extracurriculars. We’ll find out! 

Theo was wait listed for the gifted program for 5th grade, which was also no surprise. I imagine there’s a chance he’ll get in for 6th grade when a lot of kids leave for junior high - but even if he doesn’t make it next year, odds of him getting in to the gifted program at Bobby’s new school are pretty good, since he’ll have all the points I’ve gotten for him plus now “sibling points”. 

In the meantime, it’s Theo’s last day of being nine. It’s funny to think that ten years ago I was starting to have labor pains but wasn’t sure if it was the real deal or not. That was my life a decade ago. It feels like a million years have passed. 

This week I publish my final podcast episode. I have done twenty - two special “mental health” episodes to round out the season, two non-CS interviews, and sixteen ex-CS interviews. Personally, I could keep going - I’m going to take a short break, but only to see if I can get more subjects. The last thing I can try is to post in the main ex-CS FB group looking for people who want to tell their stories - I imagine I’ll get a handful. But if I don’t get any, or enough, I may just end the project. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I’ve created a resource that will live forever, which has helped people. It’s fucked me up a little bit, too, but it’s ok. Overall it’s been very cathartic.

I did my tour of the Hyatt yesterday and it was as expected - everything about the place was just too small for my event. I’m waiting on a bid from them so I know what the going offer is. But it occurred to me that other than renegotiating next year’s contract to include a Thursday night at my current hotel, there’s really no urgency to do anything else. Right now my public stance is going to be “sorry, room block is sold out” and that’s it. It sucks, and it will impact my sales, but the hotel won’t budge (because really, why should they?), and there’s no point in knocking myself out over it (there’s not much I can do, anyway). I’m waiting to see if they’ll add a few more rooms just to sell out existing nights for me, then I’ll wash my hands of it. 

I survived the weekend gig despite being in the presence of a few people who make me profoundly uncomfortable. I did my usual hide-in-the-corner thing, which is very effective. Next we all have to make a decision about how to handle this problematic guy, but that conversation is still muted from the weekend, so I’ll await instructions there. 

After a few days off I return to the gym today for yoga, followed by something called “yogalates” tomorrow, and a strength training class at my home gym on Friday. I’ve been exceptionally wiped out by the time change - I don’t remember being so adversely affected by it before; so far this week it feels like I’m being made to wake up in the middle of the night to get kids to school. Yesterday I just came home and let myself sleep. I felt guilty for sliding back into old habits, but I just couldn’t deal. My friend and I have decided to do a diet challenge for April. I’m skeptical I’ll be able to stick with it - I’ve failed utterly up until this point - but I’m hoping a little accountability will help. I’m going to do the 5:2 again as it’s the only thing that really worked for me. I just have to get back in the habit. I know from experience that the exercise, despite being good for my mental health, longevity, and strength, won’t do shit for weight loss unless I also cut calories. It would be great to lose some weight by summer, to fit into my clothes, etc etc. It’s all about forming new habits. I’ve been able to do it with exercise, so there’s no reason I can’t do it with the 5:2 again. Until April 1st I’m going to enjoy my birthday cake and camping food, however. 

Birthday season

Both boys got glowing reports from their teachers this week, phew. The only criticisms were Theo needs to expand a little more when he writes (he tends to do the bare minimum), and Bobby needs to expand a little more when he speaks. Bobby’s teacher in particular has noticed that Bobby’s in this friend group of two other kids who tend to influence each other - sometimes out of really trying in class. Knowing one of these other kids, this doesn’t surprise me. This particular kid was in Bobby’s kindergarten class and bullied another kid who was on the spectrum so brutally that he left school. I’ve always looked at this kid askance after finding this out. I’m curious if he’ll be at Bobby’s (proposed) Jr high. We shall see. 

But it was a relief to find out both kids are doing well, academically as well as socially. I feel like they’re in good hands with their current teachers, and that it’s been a good year for them. Of course, this is Bobby’s last year of having one teacher, so this era comes to a close soon. It’s weird to think of Theo being at this school for two more years, by himself. I’m going to do my best not to completely check out of this school emotionally after Bobby leaves, which is something I have a tendency to do when it comes to transitioning to new places. Theo still needs me to be present for whatever is going on for him in 5th and 6th grade, even when Bobby’s new life as a junior high schooler will be a big learning curve for us all.

Theo turns ten in just a few days. It’s weird to think I can no longer call myself “a mother of young children”. They’re more or less “tweens” now - not little, but not grown, either. Neither have had any dramatic growth spurts. They’re both still shorter than me, with smaller feet, and are still very much children, with tunnel vision for everything video games, zero interest in girls, and mainly focused on how to get more candy and not have to do homework. Their room is still full of stuffies and impossibly outgrown childhood furniture (this is a project I desperately need to tackle, but am overwhelmed by). 

Tonight we finally celebrate the H’s birthday at an as yet undetermined restaurant. I had reservations on his actual birthday on Tuesday, but as is typical, he had me cancel it because he had to work. I felt some type of way about that, but almost immediately two major earthquakes took over my business life. One was, despite what I’d been told and had come to believe, the shenanigans with the hotel have returned to haunt me - once again, we’re six months out, my room block has sold out, and the hotel will only add more rooms if they can charge almost $100 extra per night above my group rate. So much for “working with me”. I went on a mad rant to my contact over there, and talked it over with several friends, but determined a few things I’m just going to have to live with, mainly, that they are under zero obligation, contractually, to provide me with more cut rate rooms. Yes, in the past they’ve always given me more rooms with zero qualms, so that’s what I’m used to, but everything has changed post-pandemic. And even pre-pandemic, honestly, since they did a major renovation in 2019 (and almost didn’t finish in time, leaving me with no ballroom space potentially, lest we forget that dumpster fire) and I think had been positioning themselves to be a luxury hotel even back then. My days of cheap rooms and an accommodating staff were numbered even then but I didn’t know it. I don’t have much choice at this point but to do what I ended up doing last year, which was just be honest and tell people we’re sold out and I can’t help. Honestly, people got it. I do feel that not having affordable rooms impacted my turnout - and I’m worried that will negatively affect me again this year - but I also can’t in good conscience offer up rooms at $100 more a night and expect people not to freak out. And they were only willing to give me 30 more rooms at that rate, so what’s the point? So after losing my mind for a few days, I’ve decided I’m just going to post that our block is sold out and that’s it. Everyone’s just going to have to figure it out. 

In the meantime, in a moment of spite, I made an appointment for next Monday to tour the Hyatt next door. They’ve been courting me for some time, and even though I’m 90% sure the space won’t work for me, I feel I owe it to myself to explore options. Also, it will be educational for me to see what the going offer is from hotels these days, so I have realistic expectations. At this point I feel like my head is stuck in 2015 and I need to accept that this whole business model has changed, and not for the better. I’m also under the gun to re-negotiate my 2025 contract at my current hotel to add Thursday night, and I might as well work on upcoming years at the same time, and I want to know what to expect and if there are or aren’t better deals out there. I feel like I’m in a long-term marriage and am feeling unappreciated and looking to step out - only to, most likely, discover that there’s nothing better out there. That’s my prediction. But I have to try so I can at least say I did.

The other big earthquake is yet another dancer I had trusted and thought was a good guy (well, to be honest, I felt like he could go either way) has been accused of SA and various other problematic behaviors at my event and others, and there’s a group of us trying to figure out how to handle it, which has taken all of our time and emotional energy the last few days. How it affects me is I have to figure out how to handle his potential attendance at my event (he already paid), and he’s running an event that my band is playing in a couple of months and I have to decide if we should pull out (probably). It’s a huge mess, and my heart goes out to the women who have watched us all embrace him and help him and give him special recognition when the whole time he was just a creep (with an alcohol problem, which I knew nothing about). It must have been so infuriating. Well, this guy knows how to present his best self to certain people. I’m wary of men like that these days - because I’m the one with all the power, these guys tend to love bomb me to get me on their side so when all the allegations come out I’ll back them. Joke’s on them - I’m well versed in narcissistic behavior and cult tactics, so when the allegations inevitably come to light, I believe the accusers. I wish I had had this knowledge years ago, but at least I have it now.

This weekend’s singing gig is going to be extremely stressful because of his presence and a few other factors - I’m just going to take a deep breath, pull up my big girl panties, make some memes, and get through it. One step at a time. 

A blast from the past

This weekend we went out to the desert for our usual r&r and to get some projects done, mainly to paint and protect the raw wood of our outhouse and new overhang before the elements get to them. I like to think of our time there as a throwback to a simpler time (despite capitulating and allowing a tv, which, to be honest, has been a godsend keeping the kids occupied while the H and I work). 

Unfortunately, this weekend that “simpler time” involved having a sick kid with no running water, toilet, or decent supply of food. It also involved a massive wind storm that kept us trapped indoors and unable to do anything Saturday. Poor Theo woke up Saturday morning complaining of a stomach ache - oddly, Bobby had had a stomach ache all last week, to the point of even spending time in the nurse’s office at school one day - but nothing came of Bobby’s so I assumed it was just an odd coincidence. However, Theo started throwing up later in the morning. Thankfully I keep lots of enamel basins around, so no mess was made, but it was gnarly. I was worried and wondering if we should just head home, but the wind storm made that prospect pretty scary, too, so we didn’t know what to do. That night he complained his legs were hurting and crawled into bed with us; he was running a light fever. I googled for symptoms but couldn’t find anything that related to these things - and by the morning he was fine. The wind had stopped and we somehow managed to get two days’ worth of projects done in one - rubbing linseed oil into the wood of the outhouse and then priming and painting the overhang wood, plus hanging our sign and putting a rope on the security door so the wind doesn’t slam it into the window every time it’s open.

Now I’m holding my breath that whatever Theo had is not a virus we’re all going to catch one by one. The H said his stomach was messed up last week, too. Is it possible for once the reverse has happened and I’m the only one not to get sick? Is it covid? Was it food poisoning from the sketchy Farmer’s where we got dinner Friday night in Rialto? I’m gonna wait until Wednesday and see if we’re all in the clear. 

We can’t go back until April, and that bums me out. However, right now April and May weekends are wide open for visits, and that’s an excellent time to go. I’m hoping we can tackle a shower then - that would be a huge upgrade. But I’m pleased to say I was able to do my little bird bath all winter with no issues, and also we never once needed the heater, even when temps fell below 40°. So these are good things to know going forward. 

It occurred to me on this trip that I need to pay more attention to our spring break trip coming up at the end of the month - I rented an rv last fall, and booked two nights at a special Death Valley star camp, but beyond that I’ve left us with just some boondocking and no actual activities. While it’ll take us out of our way quite a bit, I’m considering booking a stay at the hot springs rv park we stayed at a couple of years ago - it has an amazing warm pool we can swim in at night, and they rent atvs which is something we’ve been wanting to try for ages. If it were just me, I’d be content to boondock in the Mojave National Preserve and stare into space for hours; but these boys need more stimulation. I don’t want them to be bored and hate these trips. They’re already complaining about going to our cabin (well, Theo is - I think Bobby’s more content with peace and quiet), which was something I had dreaded. So I may fork out a few hundred extra $$ just to give us a pool to enjoy and a fun day on an atv (availability pending of course). 

This week is parent teacher conferences again (their old school only did one of these, in November) and I’m interested to see if the boys will still get glowing reports. It also means early pick ups all week, so I’ve had to juggle some things. Headed to my second strength training class today. Hope it goes as well as the last one.

Getting in the groove

I re-joined the Y last week. I hadn’t been there since a short time before the pandemic shut everything down - I closed my account because I hadn’t been using it enough; little did I know what was coming in just weeks (I feel like every February/early March for a while is going to be full of triggering “little did we know what was about to happen” vibes). Back in the day it had been a perfect place for me and my preschooler (Theo) - free child care for an hour while I worked out. But once both kids were in school it became a needless expense. 

However, years later, things have changed. I desperately need to get active and start building muscle at my age. Also doing the podcast about my former culty religion reminded me how easy it is for me to get disconnected from my body, and I want to change that. I heard once an older lady say that exercise is one thing she never compromises on - that it always takes priority over everything else. I do want to be a healthy older person, who’s strong and capable. So after discovering that my home Y never has any availability in their classes or pool, I decided to look into the newly renovated Hollywood Y. I went there on Tuesday for a yoga class that went well, and did strength training today, which also went well. Unsurprisingly most of the people in the classes were elderly women, so that’s right about my speed.

It’s funny, building new habits. The long drive, the parking, the gym bag, the classroom etiquette - these are all things I way over analyze and stress out about. It’s hard to look at this gym and accept that it has to become your second home; this is a huge new thing in your life. You’re going to spend a lot of time here. Today since I had to kill some time, I brought a full gym bag and showered and enjoyed the sauna for a few minutes. At some point I may look into swimming some laps. On the way home I bought extra toiletries and flip flops and other random things so I don’t have to keep packing and unpacking. I plan to take classes there 2-3 times a week and walk the other days. 

I have no illusions that this will magically make me skinny. I know it won’t. But right now I’m just focusing on building a new habit and re-acquainting myself with my body, building muscle, getting stronger. That’s step one. The weight stuff, the food stuff, I’ll tackle later - preferably once the March gauntlet of three family birthdays and a week in an RV for spring break are behind me. 

I did my taxes yesterday, with good results. I didn’t owe much more than I’d pre-paid, and my accountant gave me a good strategy for a tax shelter that will also double as saving for kids’ college, something I’ve been fretting over for some time. I also got a better picture of what this event actually costs to run (I was shockingly accurate, it turns out). With taxes behind me, I can officially put 2023 to bed. 

2023, honestly, kinda sucked. Remembering the massive amount of stress I had this time last year - our wish to bury our elderly friend with some dignity having gone horribly wrong, the hotel stonewalling me and causing me to do countless hours of research in case I had to move (all fruitless), our desert cabin unfinished and in limbo, my credit card company withholding funds, losing customers over unavailable hotel rooms, slow signups leading me to believe I needed to prepare to be broke again…just too much. Already this year is off to a much better start. Very grateful for that. 

Desert visit

We had an idyllic visit to the desert last weekend. It’s funny how one small change - the overhang, plus the hanging chair hammocks I bought three years ago - can be so magical. Suddenly the place is becoming as I’d pictured it in spring of 2021.

It’s still a little chilly at night, but daytimes are t shirt weather, even in February. And we haven’t had to use the heater at all, which says to me the average winter visit out there will easily be survived without using the heater or wood burning stove. Next we still need to figure out our water situation. That’ll be the spring project, that hopefully won’t cost anything. 

The boys loved swinging in the chair hammocks, which made me happy. Anything to get these kids off screens, right?

Speaking of screens, because Bobby is taking a game design class after school starting this Thursday, I had to buy him a laptop, something I had hoped to put off a little longer. But the fact is, he’s turning twelve in a month, he’s starting seventh grade in the summer, and he’s gotten really into making music on his iPad, which has its limits. So tonight we’ll give him his early birthday present and I’m sure he’ll be delighted, since he’s been campaigning hard for it for several months. I installed some parental software on it that will hopefully block the gnarlier adult content. Of course he wants a phone, too, but I’m putting that off as long as I can.

Now we’re scrambling to think of something equally awesome for Theo’s tenth birthday in three weeks. He has no ideas for us, and we have no ideas for him. He’s always so hard to buy for. Here’s hoping I come up with something good. 

Independent kids

Bobby is on day two of his Catalina 6th grade trip, and tonight Theo’s 4th grade class is going to see The Wiz and won’t be home until 11 pm or so. I’ll be alone in the house on a weeknight, which pretty much never happens. Maybe I should sneak out and have dinner with a friend or something.

I survived the band trip to Munich, and it was pretty much what I expected. Since we hadn’t been in Europe since 2019, people were really excited to see us (many had never seen us and only knew us from our two decades of CD releases), so there was a certain rock star vibe about the gig, while at the same time the three day festival was also a massive pain in the ass. While everything went smoothly, it was very physically demanding - we alternated stages with many other bands, so there was a ton of packing up and moving over and over again in one night, plus a lot of waiting around, and the venues were often a long walk from our hotel on crowded, construction-filled sidewalks. I was in charge of the band’s suitcase full of 50 lbs of charts, which meant lots of hauling this suitcase over cobblestone streets in the cold while also in a vintage dress and questionable shoes, then struggling through packed, sweaty crowds up and down stairs and through extremely heavy doors to get to the next stage. The last two nights were also extremely late, ending Sunday night at about 4 AM and then having to get up at 8 AM for our flight (and having to find our way to the airport using public transport, so again, hauling giant heavy suitcases up and down stairs, down uneven streets with tons of pedestrians and bicycles, etc etc). Anyway, suffice it to say it was exhausting and I’m extremely glad it’s over. I knew it was going to be like that, hence my creeping dread in the weeks leading up to it. Thankfully everything went well here - Bobby made it to his trip take off on time, kids got to and from school each day, and the H didn’t leave the house a mess for me when I got home. Our next big band trip isn’t until July when things won’t be anywhere near as complicated as far as kids doing school stuff. So that’s a relief.

Now I focus on final tax calculations before my appointment in two weeks, cleaning up the mess left after my Feb 1st contest registration opening, and trying to get more participants for my podcast (I’m officially out of interviewees). 

My contest registration went well except that the system did not honor pre-set limits on registrations for some reason - thankfully I was monitoring it and shut each contest down when I saw they were selling over the limits; but the damage is done. I currently have 17 showcase routines when we only have time for 12, and several other contests have similar issues. I know with people dropping out we should be fine by the time the event rolls around, but it gives me no wiggle room to let in scholarship folks or volunteers or anyone else who doesn’t sign up using normal channels. I’ve addressed the issue of the system failure with the registration company but as of yet have heard nothing. I’m considering switching companies next year because their customer service is pretty non-existent. 

After seeing how quickly the contests sold out (some in just minutes - we’re back to pre-pandemic levels on that, finally), and facing a couple of other dilemmas such as not having time for the now very important cultural panels, I’m considering a radical step, which is adding a day to the event moving forward. Right now we start on Friday night; I’d like to start Thursday night instead. I crunched some numbers and although it will cost more, it isn’t prohibitively expensive. While I personally loathe the idea of being there an extra night and day, I also think taking the pressure off our current over-packed schedule would make the time I am there less stressful. It will also allow me to have ample time for the cultural presentations, decent meal breaks, and allow me to add in a few contests that will help allow more participation (we desperately need intermediate level contests, not just Am and Advanced). I don’t intend to raise prices, so I would hope despite the inconvenience of having to stay an extra night at the hotel and take another day off work that people will be into it. The only people I haven’t consulted are the hotel, so it’s not confirmed yet. But I’m hoping I can implement this for 2025. It’s going to be a big change - it’s probably been more than 20 years since I added a day to this event. I guess needing to expand isn’t a bad thing, right? A year ago I thought I’d have to cut everything back! Just goes to show how unpredictable this industry is. 

Here’s a picture of our desert place with the front overhang that was installed while I was away.

January is cooking along

Lots of stuff going on. I’m pleased to say we now have a staircase at the cabin - the new contractor I found in a desert group has (I think?) worked out great. I’ll withhold judgment until I see it in person, but we left keys out there and he worked on it the last couple of days, finishing up yesterday. He’s the first contractor who didn’t ask for a deposit and said we could pay half until we inspected it for ourselves. 

No more climbing a metal ladder up to the bedrooms. I’m going to see if he can start an overhang for us next week. It would be great to have a place to be outside in the shade. Last weekend I was enjoying a hammock until it started raining - it would be nice to be able to enjoy the outdoors even in a light rain. It’s kind of hilarious that we’re doing all these non-essential projects and we don’t even have a shower or sink yet. I guess that just shows where our priorities are. 

I’m hustling to get my website updated before the “hard opening” on Thursday. The frustrating part is I have the information, I just don’t have the technical savvy now that Wordpress changed their whole system and doing simple things like embedding photos has become stupidly complicated. I plan on spending this afternoon wrestling with it. I’m determined to finish today.

I also have been tirelessly trying to track down contact info for all the kids’ friends to invite them to their joint trampoline park party on March 17. I have to find this info for kids from both the old and new schools. Apparently no contact sheet was put together for Theo’s 4th grade class - so we may be relegated to completely unreliable paper invites handed out at school again. Honestly, it’s not the end of the world this time - the party is already way too big with Bobby’s friends that I know will all show, so if Theo just has a few kids from his old school, he’ll be happy with that. With Bobby turning 13 next year and starting junior high, I figure this may be the last kiddie party he’ll be interested in having, so I’m trying to embrace the chaos and enjoy the end of this era. 

Speaking of new schools, we find out in March if Bobby got into the gifted program at the jr/sr high. With all his points, I can’t imagine he won’t, but I need to be prepared that it might randomly be a year with tons of kids applying and he just won’t make the cut. It’s going to be such a big change for us this summer. Not just a whole new school but a whole new way of being at school - having to move to different classrooms each period, kids in different schools for the first time since 2018…it’s going to be wild. 

For me, I’m counting down to my band’s Germany trip a week from Wednesday. I’m worried about several things on this trip, not the least of which is leaving Bobby’s 6th grade class trip in the hands of the H while I’m on another continent. There’s so much I need to have in place before I go, between the kids, my event, taxes, and my podcast. Just crossing fingers I can keep it all together. 

Long weekend

I had a long weekend - that wasn’t meant to be. There’s a local dance camp similar to mine that my orchestra plays every year - I typically sing on Friday and Saturday nights and don’t really attend or think about it otherwise. But for some reason this year I really decided to lean in, and had lunches and dinners with visiting dancers all weekend, and went to dance Sunday night just for my own enjoyment as well, which is something I almost never do. But because I had so many friends there I knew I’d have a lot of dances and a good time, and I did. It meant staying out until at least 2 AM every night, so I am officially bushed. I’m kind of not sorry today’s podcast interview got canceled due to the interviewee getting covid - I can use the downtime.

I’m so glad I invested in a couple of new heavy winter coats for the boys - usually in LA you can get away with just light hoodies all winter - but the last few winters have been exceptionally cold; when I drop the kids in the morning and they have to hang around the schoolyard for 15-20 minutes, it’s anywhere from 38-45 degrees; even the warmest daytime temperatures never breach 65. I know this is laughable to non-Californians, but when you have no warm clothes and live in an un-insulated house, you’re just cold all the time. I even bought the boys thermal underwear. This has been all of January so far with no signs of relenting. I hate it. 

I had a bit of an identity crisis over the weekend - part of it was, singing with the orchestra is stressful because I only do it a couple of times a year so I don’t know the songs very well, and because I gained so much weight over the holidays, once again, none of my clothes fit. I had bought a gown mostly in my size for the occasion, but it was in terrible shape, so even after repairing it extensively, when I put it on for the gig, yet another seam split spectacularly and I had to sew it up while on my body as I was walking out the door, and I left a sea of jettisoned sequins everywhere I went. I doubt I’ll be able to wear it again, but that and an unflattering blue dress were literally the only ones in my closet that currently fit, so I had no choice. It never helps, on these gigs, when all the photographers insist on taking these incredibly unflattering low-angle shots of me on stage, which do everything to emphasize my double chin and pot belly with cavernous belly button indentation. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I got a cold sore from the stress of it all. 

Thankfully lots of good conversation and connecting with people I hadn’t seen in a while helped quell my anxiety about my body and my aging and my painful arthritic toe and all the other unpleasantness going on for me physically. I had a really swell time Sunday night and it was the first time I got a window into the fun most people are having at my own event, which for me is just a giant stress ball. 

I embarked on an experiment last week that so far isn’t going great but I’m going to give it this week before I make a determination. I discovered that psyllium husk, a natural fiber supplement, can help aid in weight loss in that it helps you to feel full, so that it’s somewhat touted as the poor man’s Ozempic. I bought some and started taking small doses which I’ve ramped up to full doses over a few days to see if it cuts my constant hunger cravings. The only danger in it - and it’s a big one - is it could cause intestinal blockage if you don’t take enough water with it. That scares the hell out of me. I’ve never had issues with being “regular” so I don’t really need the fiber. So far I’ve seen no effects negative or positive, which is about what I expected. But my eating/sleeping schedule has been so off for the last four days that I want to wait until things are normal again before I decide if it’s working or not. My diet attempts so far for the last three weeks have failed miserably, and yet I’ve been constantly hungry and miserable. I keep thinking there’s got to be some magic bullet out there that will finally keep me at a healthy weight for the rest of my life, but I’m just not finding it. Honestly the 5:2 diet was the most effective thing I’ve ever done, and lasted a long time. When the pandemic started and I was on the 5:2, I was at 140, and stayed there for at least a year and a half before I stopped. I would kill to be even close to that weight again. Maybe I should just do that. I don’t know. At the moment, feeling very discouraged.

Fears and loathings

I don’t think I’m alone in having a lot of dread about this upcoming year. It’s an election year, and the odds of Trump being elected are higher now than ever, thanks to anger at Biden over his response to the Hamas attacks and a blatant unwillingness to recognize all the good he’s done. Memories are short - it’s now been eight long years since 2016 - and I can see especially young people forgetting that their staying home or protest vote for a 3rd party will, in fact, elect Trump, and end democracy as we know it. I can’t live through another Trump presidency. I can’t. Suddenly California seceding doesn’t sound so terrible. As I was saying to a friend yesterday, there’s no guarantee that the United States will last forever, not in its current form. We like to think it’s immutable and eternal, but it’s not. Look at Europe. Sliced and diced a million different ways, especially in the last 70 years. We’re not used to that sort of transitory existence, but we may have to get used to it. Either way, I’m full of anxiety about what’s going to happen this fall.

We had a pretty sizable earthquake Friday morning, which was listed as a “pre-shock” and warnings of the high likelihood of a major quake in the next 72 hours. I was horrified. It doesn’t help that in just about a week we’ll hit the 30th anniversary of the Northridge quake, which for me was massive and life changing. I haven’t slept well since Friday, and plans to leave the kids home alone briefly have been scrapped (they’ll go to the H’s work and I’ll pick them up later). It’s hard not to think of how awful everything will be if there’s a quake large enough to render this house unlivable - I have state-sponsored earthquake insurance, but the deductible is high, and our whole lives would be upended for a year or more, and what would we do with all our stuff if the house wasn’t securable? What about the kids’ school? What about the hotel where I hold my event - what if something happens to that? It’s all too horrible to even think about. And yet, while not being probable, it is, in fact, possible. I just can’t.

So I think it’s fair to say I’m not entering this year with a lot of optimism or enthusiasm, but I’m entering it anyway because I have no choice. Kids return to school tomorrow, and in two months we’ll know if Bobby got into the gifted program at his school or choice, and if Theo got into the gifted program at his current school. I’ve got lots of podcast interviews lined up - there’s been some unexpected momentum lately - and am considering getting a new computer to facilitate this activity. I submitted all the grant audit paperwork on Friday, so now we wait. I’ve started the reams of tax work that will take up the next two months, and am moving forward with my event planning finally. I hope to have everything settled by the time I do the price increase on Feb 1. There’s a lot to do coming up. Maybe this will keep me from my doomsday fears for a while.

2024, here we go

It’s the final week of winter break. I have to say, with kids old enough to entertain themselves all day, these long breaks aren’t what they used to be - I used to stare down these lengthy non-school periods with sheer terror; however now, other than becoming a full time cook and house cleaner and having no alone time, they’re not so bad. Being able to malinger in bed well past 9 AM pretty much makes up for the unpleasant parts.

So here’s the truth about my Christmas travels. Everything went well. We did Christmas on the 23rd, presents were received well (H got me a band t shirt, compass, pocket knife, and fancy hair dryer, all of which were great), then headed to Florida on Christmas Eve. We arrived late that night, then did a four hour drive north to my cousin’s new place in Saint Augustine on Christmas Day. Here was the biggest gathering of remaining family in quite some time - both cousins, kids, and step aunt - and it was lovely and full of warm moments. We all watched Spinal Tap that night and had a blast. Then we spent the remaining week at my sister’s place until Jan 1 when we flew home.

Here’s the thing, though - I felt lousy for most of it. Again I don’t know if it’s my age, weight, menopause, or what, but I was exhausted, bloated, and out of sorts the whole time. Up until the end I barely slept, my whole body was puffy and uncomfortable, and I just felt like a giant beached whale the whole time. It didn’t help that the weather was cold and rainy and grey, so activities were limited. We finally got one chilly beach day in on our final day, but mostly we sat around and tried to figure out what to make for dinner. Meal planning and cleanup was a constant annoyance, as it had to happen three times a day, for six people. Boy, did I not understand the burden on my grandmother on all those long family visits! No wonder she savagely crunched popcorn every night in front of the TV (after lighting up a Virginia Slim was no longer allowed by her doctor).

So basically, nothing (other than the weather) was wrong, I just felt wrong. And most of this was, of course, my disgust with myself for how much weight I’ve gained and how much work it’s going to take to get it off. Every bite of food was fraught with guilt and shame, even though for the most part I wasn’t stuffing myself or particularly overeating. I hate that I’m in this endless loop of feeling bad about my body - it goes against everything I stand for - but there it is. How can you not feel bad when for forty years you were effortlessly thin and then suddenly balloon up to an unhealthy weight and then spend years losing and regaining the same ten pounds, while all the while slowly gaining twenty pounds in the process so your starting point gets higher and higher and getting to any kind of healthy weight gets more and more difficult? And staying there sucks, because the fact is, to be thin in your 50s means being hungry, and being hungry sucks? Anyway. I could go on and on. At one point at 2 AM I panic signed up for some Facebook-promoted weight loss program for $70 and then immediately regretted it - it’s just a meal plan full of food I don’t want to make and the same calorie restriction I could just do on my own. I know how to lose weight. And I must, because I’m officially getting unhealthy. But boy do I hate it. I’m not motivated, but I know I have to reduce calories and get up and get moving, for myself mentally if not physically. I’m sick of good times being ruined because I feel lousy and tired and bloated and none of my clothes fit. There’s an easy solution to this, I just have to do it. Diet started yesterday. 

I came home to a dead car battery and I can’t even get into the car to pop the hood to get jumped because my lock is broken from an attempted break in, so this morning the H will try to pry it open with a screwdriver to jump it, and if he can’t, I have to have it towed to the dealer to have them switch out the lock. So that’s potentially my day shot. Still looming over me is the fact that the deadline for uploading the grant paperwork is Saturday. I got it all put together before I left, but wanted to save it for uploading later in case I wanted to make any changes or missed something. The amount of terror over this grant audit has been a huge cloud over my head for the last month - pretty much ruined my Christmas season because of the stress - so I’m looking forward to getting that done. Once the car’s fixed. Sigh.