I’m so glad I invested in a couple of new heavy winter coats for the boys - usually in LA you can get away with just light hoodies all winter - but the last few winters have been exceptionally cold; when I drop the kids in the morning and they have to hang around the schoolyard for 15-20 minutes, it’s anywhere from 38-45 degrees; even the warmest daytime temperatures never breach 65. I know this is laughable to non-Californians, but when you have no warm clothes and live in an un-insulated house, you’re just cold all the time. I even bought the boys thermal underwear. This has been all of January so far with no signs of relenting. I hate it.
I had a bit of an identity crisis over the weekend - part of it was, singing with the orchestra is stressful because I only do it a couple of times a year so I don’t know the songs very well, and because I gained so much weight over the holidays, once again, none of my clothes fit. I had bought a gown mostly in my size for the occasion, but it was in terrible shape, so even after repairing it extensively, when I put it on for the gig, yet another seam split spectacularly and I had to sew it up while on my body as I was walking out the door, and I left a sea of jettisoned sequins everywhere I went. I doubt I’ll be able to wear it again, but that and an unflattering blue dress were literally the only ones in my closet that currently fit, so I had no choice. It never helps, on these gigs, when all the photographers insist on taking these incredibly unflattering low-angle shots of me on stage, which do everything to emphasize my double chin and pot belly with cavernous belly button indentation. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I got a cold sore from the stress of it all.
Thankfully lots of good conversation and connecting with people I hadn’t seen in a while helped quell my anxiety about my body and my aging and my painful arthritic toe and all the other unpleasantness going on for me physically. I had a really swell time Sunday night and it was the first time I got a window into the fun most people are having at my own event, which for me is just a giant stress ball.
I embarked on an experiment last week that so far isn’t going great but I’m going to give it this week before I make a determination. I discovered that psyllium husk, a natural fiber supplement, can help aid in weight loss in that it helps you to feel full, so that it’s somewhat touted as the poor man’s Ozempic. I bought some and started taking small doses which I’ve ramped up to full doses over a few days to see if it cuts my constant hunger cravings. The only danger in it - and it’s a big one - is it could cause intestinal blockage if you don’t take enough water with it. That scares the hell out of me. I’ve never had issues with being “regular” so I don’t really need the fiber. So far I’ve seen no effects negative or positive, which is about what I expected. But my eating/sleeping schedule has been so off for the last four days that I want to wait until things are normal again before I decide if it’s working or not. My diet attempts so far for the last three weeks have failed miserably, and yet I’ve been constantly hungry and miserable. I keep thinking there’s got to be some magic bullet out there that will finally keep me at a healthy weight for the rest of my life, but I’m just not finding it. Honestly the 5:2 diet was the most effective thing I’ve ever done, and lasted a long time. When the pandemic started and I was on the 5:2, I was at 140, and stayed there for at least a year and a half before I stopped. I would kill to be even close to that weight again. Maybe I should just do that. I don’t know. At the moment, feeling very discouraged.
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