Shmesolutions

Inspired by others’ Facebook posts about the end of the year/decade and goals for the next one, I thought I’d do a little summary here. 

2010-2020 was no doubt the most dramatic of my decades, being as it brought me my children. But the 90s were a pretty tumultuous set, too, with me moving to LA and starting my event. Still, I’d say the decade you have your children is no doubt the most life-changing.

I once had a vision of myself at this age with no children and regrets. I know this would be true, because I know myself. And to think of all I would have missed out on! But here I am, a mother of two, and 47. I am content with (and grateful for) this. 

Short term goals? Weight loss, of course. I have been sucked back into contemplating intermittent fasting, based only on two things: 1) it’s something I haven’t tried, and 2) smart people I know swear by it. I am very skeptical - I don’t see how your body won’t just stress out and start holding on to calories if you periodically starve it like that; also, since it’s really just about reducing calories, why not just do that, since that’s the only thing that really works? But. Being as everything I try fails in the long run and I just keep gaining more and more pounds each year, what the hell - might as well try it. 

I’d like to say I’ll commit to more self care - getting my nails done, styling my hair, etc etc - but as long as I’m home alone all day I really don’t see the need. 

I’d like to start composting. Some people I know tried it and hated it. I may very well be one of those people. But again - I feel like I should try. Might encourage me to up my gardening game, which to be honest, has been a bit of a disaster.

My resolution to learn to knit has been wildly successful. I hope this year to improve and learn more skills - I want to break out of the safety of just basic knit stitch scarves and learn crochet, other stitches, and how to make sweaters and hats and other things, maybe even learn to read patterns. Since I get so much enjoyment out of knitting and have so much time in the evenings (and three more months of winter), this I think I’ll actually accomplish. 

Other than that, I just want things to continue on as they have - I want the kids to thrive, my relationship to continue, my businesses to survive AB5, the house to stay in one piece, etc etc. I want to get my first all-electric car when my lease is up in November. 

Decade goals? I want to pay off my house and second mortgage - both of these should be accomplished by 2026. It would be nice to be married. I want the kids to grow and find their passions and not understand why mommy was so sad when she was their age. I want the event to continue and stay relevant. I want the band to continue. It would be great to learn a musical instrument, but this may have to wait. I’d love to travel with girlfriends more. I’d love to charge into menopause with a plan to stay thin and healthy, but this may not happen for me, and I hope I can live with that. 

I want Trump and his cronies to be marched away in handcuffs. This may also never happen. But boy, would it be sweet. 

That’s it. Happy New Year, all, and new decade! 

....aaaaand....poop

Bobby’s started pooping his pants again. Oh, the familiar routine - Bobby starts looking/acting weird, I ask him if he needs to go to the bathroom, he admits in a whisper that he already did. Ugh. It’s happened at least once a day nearly every day this vacation - he’s clearly constipated despite daily Miralax. Last night I gave him a laxative. No poop in pants today - yet. He had a lengthy play date with no accidents, thank god. We’ll see how the rest of today goes, all of tomorrow, and our long flight day to Florida Wednesday. But it doesn’t bode well - vacations, time changes, unfamiliar surroundings, off schedule, strange food leading to exceptional pickiness - all of this spells disaster for the chronically constipated. Just when I thought we were done with all this. Now we have to go back to the old routine - forcing him on the toilet multiple times a day, cleaning out shitty underwear, threats, punishments, me at my absolute wits’ end. It’s a nightmare. One I thought was over. I wonder if this is ever going to be over or something we’ll have to deal with his whole life. He claims he just doesn’t feel like getting up to go to the bathroom - which tells me this is something he does have control over; it’s just some bizarre behavioral quirk. I keep telling him he’s almost eight, not two - this is not acceptable. We agreed the next poop accident he loses all screens for a week. Will he makes the effort and stop this? Who knows? 

In other news, out of nowhere it’s been brought to my attention that a new law passed in California requiring all employers to make their 1099’d independent contractors full employees could, worst case scenario, completely destroy both my band and my dance event. All of the people that work for both entities are independent contractors; I only use them a few hours a year. How can this be accurate? And yet that’s the law. And nobody knows anything, so trying to get a straight answer is impossible; I’ve emailed my two accountants but I’m assuming they won’t even be in the office for another week. My guess is there will be loopholes I can slip through - or, if not, worst case is I’ll be stuck with paying thousands in social security, worker’s comp, etc etc, which I could manage for the event; not so much for our band. I don’t like to be an alarmist so I’m hoping something will happen to save me - but if not...this could be the end of everything. I may need to move my event out of state; our band may not be able to even exist. I may have to move out of state, even. I can’t even wrap my head around how utterly devastating this could be. So I’m trying to assume the most likely scenario which is I just have to re-classify a few things to make it work, change some ways I file/do things, and that will be the end of it. 

It’s been a rough couple of days; now the little petty annoyances have become unbearable; I’m short tempered and depressed. But I’m going to try to rally soon - everything else is going my way, everyone is healthy (knock wood), we’re about to escape this relentless California winter chill for a little slice of summer in Florida, where I get to spend quality time with my sister, have people help with the kids, and not manage a household for a while. 

Also, Bobby built this 16 years plus LEGO set all by himself in two days. Not bad, eh?

So far, so good

So, I’m part way into my first ever three week winter break with no child care. So far, it’s not too bad. Honestly, not having to get up early and hustle kids through a morning routine is awesome enough that it’s actually worth then having kids around all day. The one negative is I haven’t figured out how to consistently exercise. I plan on hitting up the Y with their free child care a couple of days - but what I really want is to go on long hikes. Bobby could hang - but Theo would make me carry him after about five minutes. An excellent work out, perhaps, but not exactly what I had in mind. 

Today while the kids assembled LEGO sets, read, played on iPads, played with kiddie smart watches, and did bey blade battles, I knitted Theo a hat that I improvised:

I also made some lemon juice ice cubes, juiced every orange from our tree, took down and put away all the Christmas decorations, did laundry, fixed my non-working texting on my phone, sorted and stored new toys so they weren’t covering the floor in a sea of sharp nightmares, collapsed endless boxes, took out several bags of garbage, and generally tidied, all to avoid the real work of the moment which is completely updating my event website for next year. Fuck it, I’ll do it tomorrow.

Although we’ve had a mostly conflict-free Christmas, I definitely see how kids are not themselves on holidays. I keep reading reports of crying mothers, children sent to their rooms and presents threatened with being tossed in the garbage. It’s funny because as a kid I have no memory of holiday conflict; but maybe my mother was a boiling cauldron of rage and just hid it well...? Also, she was dealing with one compliant little girl and her much older sister, not two rambunctious boys close in age. Those two parenting experiences aren’t even remotely similar. Managing these two boys’ insane amount of energy is 99% of what I don’t like about motherhood and is 100% of the reason I need to take my breaks when I can. 

On my list for next year is stemming the massive tsunami of plastic crap. The BF as always went nuts and spent thousands of dollars on an insane amount of toys, most of which will be forgotten and abandoned within a week, which I then have to find a way to “manage” (ie dispose of in the least environmentally offensive way possible). I realize he’s a compulsive shopper and probably still feels the need to buy affection from them...but I’m really going to try to put my foot down next year. I’m going to try to set a limit - going with the four gift rule: “something to wear, something to read, something they want, something they need”. Can I stick to this...? I don’t know...but I’m terrified of raising spoiled, entitled kids who think money grows on trees and don’t appreciate anything. I’m going to try a “please no gifts” policy for their birthday - or maybe think of something small everyone can bring, or a donation to a charity, or something else. I plan on having a big dual birthday party again and the thought of sorting through hundreds of pieces of cheap plastic crap again positively makes me cringe. There’s got to be a better way. 

Christmas Eve eve eve eve eve eve

One more day of school! This has been my countdown chant every day. Thankfully Bobby’s teacher has not assigned homework this week (I kind of love her) and as of Tuesday I’ve given up trying to make Bobby practice violin. The kids are so impossibly keyed up that getting them to do anything at all is a monumental task. I don’t know how teachers manage kids on these weeks before breaks/holidays. Or the weeks after, for that matter. Or any time, now that I think of it.

Yesterday I helped out at Bobby’s class’ potluck. I brought decorations on a whim that were admired by all - not so my utter failure of a spinach/hummus wrap Christmas tree (too many things went wrong there to count - Bobby very sweetly ate some and claimed to like it). Today I wrapped about 10,000 presents. I don’t know how people do all these things while working full time jobs. My hat is off to you. 

I booked a five day trip to Cancun in February with a friend who’s taking time off before starting a new job. I’ve never done the resort Mexico thing - I’ve only ever visited relatives or gone down the Baja peninsula camping (back when it was relatively safe). I can’t wait to swim in cenotes and see pyramids. I think it will cure my not-traveling-with-the-band blues until things pick up again in April.

Right now I’m playing cat-and-mouse with my bank account. I’m down to my last $4000 but need to make it past Feb 1st. Booking this trip helps because I can let it sit on my credit card while being paid back by my friend; I also have rent money from the BF and a small surplus in another bank account I can transfer in and then return later. I hate that I’m going to start the year with an unpaid credit card - but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Monday I enjoyed the boys’ Christmas show - Bobby sang the chipmunk’s song and Turn, Turn, Turn; Theo sang Madonna’s Holiday. 

Holiday...celebrate...

Speaking of celebrate, the orange menace has been impeached. We’ll still be stuck with him, I have no doubt - but YESSS. The BF and I dragged the kids out in the cold the night before to attend a rally and then get Chinese food. It’s their first moment of political engagement. I hope they remember it with pride.

Mid December

So far, it’s been the most relaxed Christmas season I can remember for some time. Admittedly the kids are way too high energy for me at the moment - excitement about the coming holiday, no doubt; last night it took Bobby an hour to do one page of math homework. I hope his teacher doesn’t give them any homework next week - she didn’t the week before Thanksgiving, and it was amazing the difference it made to our evenings. I despise homework. Ideally I’d like at least the second half of next week to involve cookie making and Christmas movies. We shall see.

I’ve been doing a good job chipping away at my various crafting projects. I feel like I’ve done more sewing and knitting in the last week than I’ve done in my entire life. I finally found the time to make the BF a “daddy” stocking. It’s always been a glaring absence - the three of us with homemade stockings with our names on them and him with a random grey sock from my grandparents’ house. A few years ago I would have bristled at this; after four and a half years I do believe he’s earned it. It’s his worst fear, being not included and tossed out; it’s my worst fear opening myself up to someone and being used or hurt by them. Together we’re working on it.

I’ve been particularly weepy lately. I’m not sad - just...weepy. Sentimental. Hormones? Perhaps. Many of the women in my book club last week were talking about their peri- or menopausal hormonal issues; so far I feel ok for the most part, but I’m very much aware that my life as a menstruating woman is coming to an end, and with that will come many unwelcome changes. I always felt my mother’s downward spiral began at menopause, and I have a terrible fear of this. That I’ll become unrecognizable to myself, that I’ll change into an object of loathing. But, I’ve thought this at many transitional moments in my life - most notably, when I sobbed for the entirety of my tenth birthday, convinced I was going to be somehow lost. And yet here I am at 47 and I am still someone I know and like. Surely if puberty, womanhood, moving across the country, having two children, and being in my first real adult relationship haven’t changed me for the worse then I doubt a little thing like a hormonal shift will. I suppose it’s the classic fear of the control freak that you’re always one breath away from completely losing it. And yet you never do. It’s like the door that’s never left unlocked and the oven that’s never left on. And yet you worry about it nevertheless.

This weekend is full of dancing and gigs and parties and dressing up. Let’s hope that kicks my broody ruminating back a bit.

Holiday #2, check

It’s funny how much easier it is to cook Thanksgiving dinner for nine people when you have a kitchen.

Over two days I made:

Apple pie

Pumpkin pie

Mashed potatoes

Stuffing

Gravy

Cranberry sauce

Rolls (yeasted - from scratch!)

Thyme butter carrots

Mushrooms in cream

Brussels sprouts with butternut squash and walnuts

Real whipped cream

The BF bought a bbq’d turkey that he heated up out in the rain at the bbq. Glad I didn’t have to share my small oven, which ran almost continually for two days.

My sister and brother in law came, as well as his nephew, the nephew’s wife and three-year-old son. Absent was the BF’s sister, around which there was some drama. Most of the drama was in my head, but still, yeah. Let’s just say it was a very pleasant evening and visit until I had to cut it short by leaving for DC to sing at an event on Saturday until I got home late Tuesday night. 

This is an event we’ve had for years, but since they moved to Thanksgiving weekend, it will probably be our last. Most of our musicians just aren’t willing to sacrifice family time. The event for me was extremely stressful - I spent most of it when I wasn’t working in my hotel room with social anxiety, and the rest of the time trying to frantically memorize song lyrics as it’s become plain to me that bringing ragged pieces of paper with lyrics to read while singing is no longer acceptable. It was a habit I got into when I had babies and was so horribly sleep deprived that I couldn’t remember anything...and it became kind of a crutch. There are songs I’ve been singing for five years that I still can’t remember. But I’ve been forcing myself to remember now, which is hard, because I always have that panic on stage that I’m going to blank out (sometimes I do). However, I feel like I have the mental bandwidth these days to take on these formerly low-priority tasks.

The long Thanksgiving week with kids off school went just fine, and gave me confidence that I can handle kids all winter break with no camp. It’s only the week of Christmas - which will be easy because there’ll be lots to do, and for part of it the boys will have new toys to play with; then a few days the following week before we go visit my sister in Florida until the end of the break. Bam. 

With the changing of the weather (LA goes from 80s and sunny to 50s and rainy pretty much overnight, and always right around now) I’m keen to throw myself back into my knitting projects. I’ve been using this tool called a lucet - a medieval braiding tool - to make a tree garland; next I need to get off my duff and try knitting the boys hats, which is scary because it’s a whole new skill set I don’t have yet (so far I’ve only made scarves and wash cloths). 

The boys are now dry about 90% of the time. It’s funny to think after all that agide about getting them out of pull-ups, the solution was simply doing it and putting up with wet beds for a few weeks. I gave away the diaper pail to a pregnant friend last week, along with my old ergo and mei tei carriers and baby monitor. I kept the tiny newborn carrier. Soon the boys will outgrow their baby onesie blankets my sister made; Bobby’s is literally falling apart. I have plans to get them duvets and new sheets now that it’s less likely they’ll pee on them. 

This weekend we finally put up our lights and get a tree, and I need to get to work buying presents and making candy for various events. Holiday #3, let’s do this!