Photos from the edge

We did our family photos this weekend. From the look of us, you would never guess what torments the last eight months have brought...nor those that await us. Much like the last weeks of pregnancy serving to hone the mind to a single purpose, this last week before the election can bring only one thought. What’s going to happen? I figure it can go one of three ways:

Best case scenario - Biden wins in a landslide. Trump attempts to second guess certain swing states; attempts go nowhere. He continues to embarrass himself, us, Barron, and our nation all whilst causing as much destruction and chaos as possible until Jan 20. Mass celebrations; hilarity ensues.

Worst case scenario (unlikely) - Trump wins in a landslide. Racists celebrate; progressives contemplate leaving the country or becoming Unibomber-style hermits. Nation and world continue downward spiral into fascism and chaos until wars, pandemics and global warming end human life on this planet. Animals celebrate. 

Also worst case scenario (sadly, most likely) - Biden wins by a whisper; swing states where Biden won challenged by Trump; corrupt electorates throw out popular vote and give it to Trump because everyone knows Democrats are all pedophiles. Tit for tat goes on for months. Mass protests and violence mar winter. Hundreds of thousands more die of coronavirus. We all have to find a way to not kill ourselves at the prospect of four more years under this fool.

But hey, don’t we look happy?!? WE ARE HAPPY AND EVERYTHING IS AWESOME 

Spider-Man and Theopocalypse

Today I took pictures of the boys in their hastily bought Costco Halloween costumes for their school’s sad “virtual Halloween parade”. And thus begins the suckage that is the 2020 holiday season, no doubt to be pockmarked with election anxiety and unrest, poverty, and death. Yay.

Last night the school held its annual middle school fair, this time of course virtual, which means for the first time I was able to attend. The business of applying to middle school is very complicated...and since these applications must be in in two weeks and whatever you get you have to take it or risk losing all your points and starting over...honestly, I think I’m going to wait until next year, this year’s points be damned. I’d much prefer to tour some schools before applying, and there’s also the business that since schools closed in March just days before Bobby would have been tested to see if he was “gifted” or not and one of the schools I’m interested in only takes gifted kids, it’s better to wait. That school in question is Eagle Rock jr/sr High, which is very appealing to me since it would run from 6th-12th grade so the boys could be together for a long time. But there are tons of good options. Most likely Bobby will just go to our local middle school, Luther Burbank, which put on a decent presentation and Bobby likes best anyway. 

It felt weird to think about things that are three years away. It almost made me feel like we have a future, you know? I’m glad at least other people are acting like we do. 

After much anxiety, my unemployment debit card arrived, and after hours of messing around with apps and passwords and confirmation codes and PIN numbers, I’m glad to say that my first unemployment payment is on its way to my actual bank account. There’s a sigh of relief. It also occurred to me that, with the good potential for zero income next year, I need to get us all back on MediCal. Even if I’m only on it for six months, that’s thousands of dollars in savings. It’s worth the hassle. I mean, who knows when I’m going to be solvent again? It could be years. MediCal is precisely designed for people in my predicament. I’ll apply when open enrollment starts in two weeks. 

Saturday we go to the dealer to buy my car now that my lease is up. I’m dreading the crappy deal I’m going to be stuck with - probably a couple thousand out of my pocket and a higher payment just for the privilege of continuing to drive the car I’ve been driving for three years. I could just turn it in and not have a car and save some money...but with the BF gone for long stretches now, I’m not too keen on being trapped at home with two kids and no car. Things aren’t quite that dire yet. Also, his car is constantly on the verge of collapse. We need at least one car that’s in excellent shape. 

Tomorrow is our final presidential debate. I hope Trump embarrasses himself again, Biden stays on message, and we can all exhale a little bit because we’ll never have to be tortured by the orange menace for an hour or two on tv ever again. 

Two weeks and then some

I watched the dueling presidential debates last night. Thankfully on my particular set up they ran one after the other so I didn’t have to miss one. Biden came across as a reasonable, caring man who has lots of great plans for this country. Trump was his usual blustering idiot who lied a lot while some fool endlessly nodded behind him. His moderator did an excellent job of not letting him get away with shit. I wanted to punch each and every one of these “undecided voters” in the face. And so it goes.

This week went a bit better than last. The BF had a talk with Bobby when I wasn’t there that he needs to get his act together, so his behavior was way better. It’s funny how enjoyable parenting can be if kids just fucking do what they’re asked, isn’t it? Jeezis.

The BF was offered that shitty low-paying job and I told him in not exactly these words that him taking this job would ruin my life, and he agreed. He knows these jobs aren’t practical; I think he just feels pressure to take on something “stable” even if it’s crap. But the hours away from home undercuts any stability, in my mind. I’m hoping he won’t keep interviewing - it’s a waste of time. He just can’t be out of the house 10-12 hours every day and run tickets all weekend at his other job for barely more money than he’s making on unemployment. It’s stupid.

Speaking of unemployment, I’m in this weird holding pattern where I’m obviously approved, am all set up online and have even certified for my first two weeks, but am missing some crucial paperwork that got lost in the mail (we’ve been missing tons of important mail in the last couple of months - my property tax bill, my water and electric bills, and now two letters from unemployment, all of which I saw in my “informed delivery” emails as coming that day but never showed up; my neighbor is having similar issues). I’m not sure what those two letters were - I assumed one was my unemployment debit card which is how I get paid, but then I called the bank and the recording said my card was just ordered on the 13th and mailed yesterday. So...? I’m still missing an account number. It’s all very confusing and stressful. I’ve tried to call unemployment to see if they can re-send whatever they sent me, but I keep getting hung up on, and it may not even be anything of any importance, being as my online account is all set up. Thankfully I’m not dependent on this money to show up right this second. I’d be so screwed if I were. 

I got a bit rattled this week by a story of a swing dance event in SC (full of Trump supporters and only tangential to our scene) in September that defied common sense and went ahead anyway, so far infecting over 90 people and killing four. As you can imagine, the outrage is erupting all over. Then a discussion in our dance organizers group got pretty dark - in discussing plans for 2021, we all agreed any event before the summer probably shouldn’t go ahead...and one woman posited it’s time for us all to find new careers, that dance events aren’t coming back, ever. Oh, you can just imagine what a funk I was in after reading that!! I mean, it’s just an opinion and she’s no epidemiologist, but still...to hear someone voice your worst fears as a fact is truly jarring. What if Covid is with us pretty much forever, with our lives going on like this for years, decades...in which kids go back to school until numbers become untenable and then are stuck at home for months again, all concert venues and movie theaters and broadway shows close permanently, the travel and entertainment industry pretty much dead, forever? I mean it’s a crazy thought, but...everything that’s happening is crazy. We never thought an idiot like Trump could end up as President, we never thought it would be October and kids would still be out of school, I never thought I’d have to cancel one, possibly two events in a row...all of these things are my worst nightmare and yet we’re living it every day. The idea of endless superbugs ruining our lives and completely changing everything we do as humans forever does not sound that out of the realm of possibility at the moment. 

But, maybe not. Maybe I can have an event next year with daily quick testing each morning. Maybe even if I have to cancel again I can have another virtual event to keep things going until 2022, and everything will come roaring back, and we’ll be fine (except for mountains of debt, but that’s another story). Biden is so close to being our president and everything will get better just having a rational, competent leader who believes in science once more. Everything is so close, and yet so far, from being good again. 

I signed Theo up for a free virtual dance class and ukelele class offered through his school. I’m excited to get him into an instrument finally. It will be interesting how he does with it. He’s quite the little dancer so I hope he takes to the dance class, too. It’s time little brother had his own things to do separate from  big brother. His teacher sent a message that in two weeks we’re to pick up his next package of workbooks/worksheets/etc, which says to me they’re planning on no school before January. Sigh. 

In other news, shortly after Halloween my band is getting together to record an album, for which we’ll all be tested first so we can safely gather in a studio for a full day. I’m a bit nervous about opening my mouth to sing after eight months of silence...I’m going to have to do some practice beforehand. Also we have our first actual gig on the books for January - a socially-distanced outdoor concert to be filmed for a dance event. Unfortunately it’s the same weekend I booked a cabin in Lake Arrowhead - but I can just drive down for the day. An actual gig. Who’d have thunk it? 

Once more into the breach

The BF and I watched the VP debate with much interest. It should be no surprise to anyone paying attention that the real star of the night was, of course, the fly.

A symbol of the soon-to-be rotting corpse of the GOP? From my fingertips to God’s ears.

I had planned on voting in person because fears of ballot shenanigans, but instead today decided to do the early drop box voting like most of my friends here in CA. Easy, peasy, done. Not much concern about voter suppression here in LA, so why not. That way I can hunker down in the house on Election Day, avoid any violence or weirdness, and instead obsessively doom scroll while CNN drones in the background. I know we won’t necessarily have results that night; but I am interested to watch these swing states as they develop. Not to sound like Trump himself, but I have to admit if we actually lose after all this time of solid polling in our favor, I’m going to have to question if the election was rigged. There’s just no way T can win at this point. How can he? He just can’t. And the senate ain’t looking so great for Republicans, either. 

So yet another week of distance learning is on the books. It’s manageable...but honestly, it really sucks. Much to my surprise, Theo is doing pretty well - it’s Bobby who’s suddenly become difficult. There is a ton of silent reading to do during his school day, which he resists something awful, and we’ve caught him fooling around and chatting with friends on a few occasions. He whines and complains about everything he has to do, which leaves me utterly exhausted and drained by the end of the day. I look at the weeks and months of this spreading in front of me like a river of fire and it fills me with despair. Pretty much every day I say to myself, “I don’t think I can take much more of this.” And yet I have no choice. 

Adding to the stress is the BF is interviewing for a job again, this time one he had passed on a while ago that is now offering more money. It still may go nowhere, and I don’t know the details as far as hours or location...but the idea of him being out of the house 10-12 hours a day while I’m on the hook for entire full days of relentless childcare, scares me to death. At least right now I get to walk in the morning and can still have the occasional socially-distanced meet up with a friend during the day and he’ll just go into his current part-time job later. I feel like these are the only things keeping me from losing it. I already yelled at Bobby for being so frustratingly obstinate and made him cry earlier this week...ugh. I see a lot of that in my future if he takes this job. I’m trying hard not to worry about it until it’s more real. We’ll see.

It’s hard to be a parent right now, trying to prepare for this highly unusual (read: shitty) holiday season, trying to keep things “upbeat” and normal, and yet every minute of every day we’re pummeled with terrible doomsday news - the election will take weeks or months to sort out and be accompanied by violence and chaos; this winter is going to be a nightmare of Covid deaths and infections unlike anything we’ve ever seen. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

It’s no wonder I’m struggling a bit emotionally. 

Whiplash

What a crazy fucking week. I’m still reeling and working through the adrenaline of the debate; it was a nightmarish schoolyard bully session for an hour and a half, as predicted - however I thought Biden did well, and based on the recent polls, many others did, too. 

Then late Thursday night the announcement of Trump’s positive Covid test - surprise! Immediately followed by wild conjecture and skepticism. Most of my friends didn’t believe it. I did, though - and the sad reality is he probably knew a lot longer than we think, and went on to knowingly endanger hundreds of people, possibly even Biden. I don’t think they ever would have told us had it not been for the leaking of Hope Hicks’ diagnosis. So now...we wait.

Do I want him to die? No. I want him to lose the election and be held accountable for his multitudinous crimes. I predict he’ll be back in the WH early this week ready to spin this as best he can. But it’s too late - he’s slipping in the polls so fast at this point, and the election is less than a month away. Some people also feel the SCOTUS appointment is in danger, but I don’t think so. Those slimy GOP senators know conservatism is having its last gasp so they’ll stop at nothing to ram through this Aunt Lydia that we’ll be stuck with for 40+ years. That’s a lost cause, in my opinion. 

The shaming by straight white men on the rest of us for not wishing that scumbag well (and I actively, purposefully did not celebrate openly) has been amazing to witness. We have been subject to the worst abusive, gaslighting relationship with this piece-of-shit president for the last four years, he pretty much single-handedly causes the death of almost a quarter of a million people by a preventable disease, and then catches it himself because of his own negligence, and we’re horrible people for not wishing him well? OH MY GOD FUCK YOU.

Also, your privilege is showing, big time. 

So. Yeah. That’s been the first week of October. Can we stop this carnival ride? I want to get off. 

October

It’s October. Month seven of our pandemic. It’s 100 degrees and painfully dry, with still poor air quality from local and not-so-local fires. The kids are trading nosebleeds. 

My friends in Orange County, their kids are back in school. I’m so jealous. There’s no end in sight for us in LAUSD. Although, I have been seeing articles about LAUSD contracting with a testing company. So it may be that testing and not lower numbers or a vaccine is the answer.

Speaking of testing, Hawaii is opening its doors October 15th to those who have gotten negative tests right before travel. This may not even happen - they’ve pushed things back and changed tactics so many times. But airlines are starting to offer testing before Hawaii flights, so I took a leap last night and used my refunded points and miles to re-book our canceled summer Kauai trip for first week of January. It’s easy to cancel and get everything back in my account. I’m fairly confident it’ll be easy to get the whole family tested within 72 hours of arrival, and everyone on the plane will have been tested, and our time there will be 100% on beaches, so I figure the risks are minimal. Oh, I hope it happens. But rising numbers and/or civil unrest (war?) and/or shut downs could dash our plans once again. 

Last night I decided to apply for unemployment. I’m past the period required for the PPP loan, and at this point I’m not hopeful there’ll be another one. My refinance is done, and there’s going to be zero income for the foreseeable future. I can live off loans, but why should I? It’s not my fault the event got canceled. I have no income. I’m required to stay home 24/7 and homeschool children. If anyone deserves unemployment I’ve been paying into for decades, it’s me. We’ll see how that goes.