Plans - at last

I finally narrowed down and booked a plan for my birthday trip in mid-July that was supposed to be Kauai. After weeks of trying to make an RV trip to Northern Cal work (kids can’t ride safely in it, all stops along the way are closed or booked solid), I remembered a website for unique camping experiences called Hipcamp I used once years ago and was able to find three spots for us. We’ll start with two nights in a yurt near Monterey, then two nights in a tipi near Paso Robles, then the final night, my birthday, in an abandoned water tank in the Cuyama badlands.

I can’t think of a more appropriate place to turn 48 in this shittiest of all years than this:

Again, thanks to my long-suffering boyfriend for continually indulging my hippie bullshit. And the kids for going along with it, too, and not complaining *too* much. I’m hoping two nights in a crazy Futuro home in Joshua Tree before they start school will make up for whatever goes down on this trip.

Looking through Hipcamp definitely gives me an idea for my elderly future. Buy some cheap desolate land somewhere, arrange a series of wacky spaces to sleep, hang some dream catchers and throw some mason jars around, and voila! Hippie bullshit camping site for aging hipsters. It’ll be a cash cow. Assuming people are still into that sort of thing 20+ years from now (assuming there are still people 20+ years from now). 

Yesterday we had a delightful Malibu beach trip while for once someone else cleaned my house (hooray!). I’m happy that despite the ridiculous amount of screen time these kids currently enjoy, they are still capable of having fun outdoors and playing with sticks and sliding down dirt hills and playing in waves. 

The BF is currently having a bit of a meltdown about work. I’m worried for him - his industry is showing no sign of return, his boss has effed off to Iran without telling anyone, and his pandemic unemployment supplement ends in a month. He thought he’d be back to work by now. Boy, did we all have a different vision of this summer! I’m not sure what the future holds but I have been preparing for my life to get more difficult - right now he does the lion’s share of the childcare, which feels like an endless vacation, but that’s going to end. Either his work will pick back up or he’ll be forced to get another job, which will keep him away long hours and make him miserable. This strange life of having two adults with literally nothing else to do all day but care for children cannot last forever. Eventually at least he will have work to return to; me, it may take a year or two. Last night I sat down with my finances and tried to figure out what will happen if I can’t run an event in 2021, either, or (more likely) have to run one at a loss or barely break even...it’s scary. I have the money because of the SBA loan to make it, but 2022 has to be better. So many what ifs. Maybe I should think about building that hippie camping compound now. 

Some kind of normal

Negative test results, yay! Which meant we got to go camping which was awesome, despite discovering when we got there that everything that needed batteries was dead (blow up mattress inflators, lanterns) as was the second burner on my camping stove. Ah, camping. 

I don’t know why people love to camp. It’s pretty much torture. And yet when you’re done you want to do it again. It makes zero sense. 

My birthday trip - whatever it ends up being - is still in flux. Of course what I want is a cute vintage trailer rental and a trip up the coast; but nobody’s car is in good enough shape or has a trailer hitch, so we may try for an RV. Lots of details to hammer out and at the moment I’m just not up to it.

Still, it was nice having a quiet, device-free weekend with another family in which the kids got to play with other kids for the first time in months, I got to live out my pioneer fantasies, and the BF got to fish (unsuccessfully). I want to book up the whole summer with camping trips. This will (hopefully?) be the only summer of our lives where I have no event to plan for and the BF has no work, so I want to make the most of it. 

This week two “normal” things return to our lives. One - I have my first hair appointment since I think February. The other, and the one that will really make a difference in my day-to-day life, is welcoming back our house cleaner. I’ve positively loathed keeping up with the cleaning around here, especially with four people who never leave. She was more than happy to come back, and I feel like it’s worth the risk - we won’t be around when she’s here, and everything will be disinfected that we touch, so...? I figured it’s worth the minor risk. Taking a lot of new risks lately, with mixed results as you can see. I have mixed feelings about all of it. But I also know we can’t go on like it’s perpetually last April. Obviously lots of other people around the world feel similar...to their peril. California’s numbers are stubbornly terrible, and yet all of us have started to venture out. Let’s hope we don’t live to regret it. 

Canceled at last

Today my loan was recorded and the cash out funds appeared in my bank account. I took a picture of it as I’m sure I will never see this amount of money again! This brought about an avalanche of activity - updating my website with all the cancellation/virtual event information, emailing my list, creating an event for the virtual event, cancelling the actual event on my page and my event’s page. Oh, and issuing about a hundred refunds, with many more to come.

So far yesterday’s Facebook post about some cashew cheese I made has garnered more attention. I consider this a good thing.

But more importantly...I went and got a Covid test today. Why, you ask? Because one of the ladies who is a nurse who joined our socially-distanced brunch a week ago tested positive yesterday. Ugh. Now to be fair the only reason she came to the brunch was because she had gotten a negative test the day before. So either that was an inaccurate result, or she contracted the virus after we saw her (she says she started showing symptoms about five days later). At any rate it sent me into full panic mode and there were many hours wasted googling spots to get tested, waiting for a consult with my doctor (no dice - they couldn’t do shit for me with no symptoms), until finally I found a walk-in clinic today. It was a three hour ordeal and cost me $250 but I should have results in a couple of days. For the record I have no symptoms and neither does anyone else from the gathering...I would be shocked if it came back positive. I was full of anxiety the whole time - afraid of what the test would be like, feeling like a leper, worried about the family, worried about our proposed camping trip this weekend (which we may have to cancel if I don’t get results in time), feeling like an idiot and a jerk for attempting any kind of gathering right now, feeling guilty and stupid as hell. In the end they ran out of nasal swabs so gagged me with an oral swab instead and then I went merrily on my way to In N Out, a trip I have not made solo since March. 

I am still a ball of nerves. At least the money situation is sorted - my refi guy told me how lucky I was to have slipped in under the wire; I sent him some chocolate covered strawberries. He really busted his butt for me, and I am profoundly grateful. 

Now I can focus on my virtual event and making it the best it can be, and hope to god I get a negative result and can happily eff off to the wilderness for the weekend. And if it’s positive...well? It’s been almost ten days since my possible exposure and I’m not exhibiting anything other than my normal lethargy. If this is as bad as it gets for me and I can just be done with it, then great. My friend had some fever and body aches but is actually doing fine. I hope she has a speedy recovery. 

First day/last day

This morning I made waffles with whipped cream and strawberries, then Bobby had his last zoom meeting, and Theo had his first (and last), which he was stoked about. One of the little girls in Theo’s class cried when they were saying goodbye to the teacher. I cried, too. It’s officially the end of Theo being a “little guy”. 

Last day of kindergarten and 2nd grade - let’s see what happens next!!

Penultimate day of school

We finished up both boys’ final school projects today. Bobby presented his fire ant diorama via zoom, and Theo did his last scholastic reading assignment. Tomorrow they both participate in their final zoom sessions with teachers and classmates, we hand over the chrome books, and that’s it.

I have to say, I feel sad about it. I’m sad for the teachers and the kids who aren’t doing so great and the parents of kids who aren’t doing so great. My kids? My kids couldn’t care less about any of it.

LAUSD sent a survey about what school re-opening in the fall could look like and what our wants/needs are. I said I preferred the hybrid approach - some school and some home school. My guess is this will be the preferred method. But it’s entirely possible that as of August there will be no in-person school at all, with just a promise to revisit that option as the months pass. Me? I highly doubt the virus will diminish as it gets colder. I think we’re all in for a rough ride this winter. Again I’m glad that my kids are young enough that whatever sub-par schooling they’re receiving now won’t really affect them later. I feel bad for the older kids, the kids trying to start college, the kids transitioning to middle or high school. Or starting kindergarten during this mess! At least Theo got a normal start to his year. I think back to that first day of school with all the kindergarten parents and kids packed into the MPR, each kid called up to meet their new teacher (Theo was first!), some crying, some skipping with joy. Even now it seems unimaginable that we’ll have those group ritual events ever again. 

I’m worried for the future of my event. Between the virus (which many say will be part of our lives for years) and the race issues (why should white people continue to capitalize on a black art form?) and just basic economics, I’m terrified I may never return to my former glory. Even if I can safely have an event in a year, or even 2022 - how many people will still want to/afford to do this? Will we be back to the old days of having just the hard core people, back in the early 2000s when I struggled to even get 600 people to show up (for reference, I’ve been at three times that capacity for several years). I’m starting to question that I’m going to bounce back. I’m starting to feel like this is going to take a massive rebuilding from the rubble. The good news? Very few other events will survive this, so I will attract all those who want to go to events but now have far fewer options. The bad news? How many people will drift away over the next year or two and never return? Swing dancing is an addiction. The more it’s available the more addicted you are. Take away the substance and there goes the addiction. The addictive behavior will find a better substance to be addicted to. 

Governor Ige of Hawaii officially extended his fourteen day quarantine for island visitors to July 31st, marking the end of my hopes of a birthday trip. Within two clicks my hotel reservation and flights were canceled. The good news? I now have tons of miles and hotel points to use for any number of trips - even Hawaii again when it’s safe. The bad news? Word on the street is Hawaii is reconsidering its dependence on tourism (as must be most tourist heavy places). Who knows if Hawaii will even be a viable destination after this. 

Two nights ago I sat with a notary and signed all of my loan paperwork for an hour and a half. I also signed a paper that they can still require more paperwork from me, even now, before funding, which is set to happen Monday morning. Late last night I was sent a certification letter I had to sign promising that my income has not been affected by the pandemic, nor will it. Yeah, right. My mortgage is now about to be paid by my mortgage for the foreseeable future. I still don’t feel like I can exhale yet. They can still cancel the whole process at the last second. When I see that money in my account, then yes. And then follows a whole avalanche of things - announcing the closure of my event, announcing the virtual event, closing registration, starting to issue refunds. 

I am attempting to replace my Hawaii birthday trip with an RV or trailer trip...somewhere. It’s complicated because most campgrounds are still closed, I don’t know shit about camping with vehicles for that purpose, and the spaces that are available and desirable are all booked solid because everyone is doing exactly what we’re doing. Also, it is far from cheap and I hate the idea of spending money right now. But sitting at home bored AF on my birthday when I should have been in Kauai is not acceptable, so plan I must. 

The end of the beginning

I am getting multiple zoom invites and emails from both the boys’ teachers about all the end of school activities this week. I had kind of gotten used to not having to “show up” for anything so I’m mildly annoyed, but at the same time I think about how much more I’d be doing if the kids were actually in school, and am chastened by that.

There are so many cute end of school things I didn’t get to do with Theo - a Mother’s Day tea like Bobby had, an end of kindergarten concert, etc. With Theo as my last child, it sucks that we won’t have any of those memories. Their yearbooks never arrived - yet another casualty of Covid hold ups - Bobby’s final project, a diorama about fire ants, will be presented over Zoom. Our school doesn’t have any kind of drive-by graduation scheduled; I think the BF will just head up there to collect the boys’ schoolwork from the rest of the year and that’s pretty much it. An unceremonious end, but a welcome one. For Bobby at least he only has three more days of math work, presenting his diorama, and that’s it. I was hoping we could just sneak out to the pool most days but I think Theo still has a full workload. Boy is it going to be nice to be free of all that for two months. 

It’s going to be an old school summer. No camps, no activities, just sitting around bored watching tv (or the modern equivalent, video games) or going in the pool. I’m looking forward to it while at the same time dreading the monotony and boredom of it. I did pay for a music camp for both kids for two weeks in August months ago - a recent email indicated they were going online with it; I hate to be that person but I will probably cancel if that’s the case. I have no way to keep two active boys glued to a Zoom meeting every day for two weeks. That’s just not going to work. 

Speaking of refunds, I have heard from about a third of my attendees - it seems to be about 10% donations, 50% refunds and 40% transfers to next year so far. I can’t issue refunds until my loan funds, so everyone is going to have to sit tight. Right now I’m just cataloguing everyone and that’s a huge amount of work in itself, answering every email and fielding questions. And that’s only 1/3 of the people. It’s going to be a full time job this summer, that and getting my virtual event up. 

As for my loan, it’s pretty much in the bag - I’ve been approved, and the notary should come by this week. Then there’s a waiting period and then we’re done. I’ve been advised to not start emptying my bank account with refunds until then just in case they demand a snapshot of my account at the last second, so that’s what I’ll do. My home appraisal came in at $160,000 more than I’d anticipated, which is one positive thing that happened.

So, here we are at the end of the beginning of our covid nightmare. There is so much more ahead of us - things we can’t even fathom at the moment - but for now, the early chaos is over. I got my SBA loans and my refinance is wrapping up. My attendees have been contacted and my cancellation is underway. The BF has his unemployment. The kids are on their last week of school, and unless I’m unaware of something, will advance to 1st and 3rd grades, and who knows, may even set foot in a school again at some point. Now we’re just “in it”. 

Our Hawaii trip next month is still not cancelled but I’m well aware of the fact that I’m just kidding myself at this point - waiting for word from governor Ige if he’ll extend the mandatory quarantine in HI past June 30th (pretty much guaranteed). We should know this week. Trying to plot out a trip to Big Sur over my birthday weekend instead. There’s a place you can rent a “human nest” to sleep in in the wilderness. Not surprising - the nest is booked solid for the summer. 

Exit strategy

Last night I stayed up until 4AM going down a rabbit hole googling information about Cape Breton, a small island in Nova Scotia that apparently half-jokingly has offered itself as a safe haven for Americans wishing to flee Trump. It’s not the first time I’ve fantasized about leaving the US...but it is definitely the most seriously I’ve thought about it. 

The US has simply moved so impossibly far from my values that I don’t really know what I’m doing here any more. The fucked up thing is - I know I’m actually in the majority. I want equality for women, justice for minorities, safe accessible abortion, transparency in government, universal health care, anti-trust laws, etc etc. And yet the people who don’t want these things continue to lie, cheat and steal elections to push their draconian racist pseudo-Christian Gilead Republican nightmare down our throats. How do we defeat them? Can we? I just don’t think we can survive another Trump election. I don’t even know if we’re going to survive until the next election. 

So I figure if Trump wins again, my business can’t recover, and my band never plays again because endless seasonal rounds of superbugs render any kind of gatherings permanently impossible...well...it might just be time to jump ship. 

I know this is stupid. I know it’s difficult, if not impossible, to emigrate from the US. I know Canada and other imaginary utopias (I’m looking at you, New Zealand) have their own endless issues with horrid treatment of indigenous peoples and other minorities, I know no place is perfect. But god dammit I want to live in a place where at least some of the time I can be proud of our elected leadership - not wake up every day as I have since November 2016 in a constant state of being seconds away from projectile vomiting because I’m so disgusted by what we’ve become as a nation.

And yes, I know we were always this; Trump just encouraged us to stop hiding it. This, too, makes me ill. 

I know Canada isn’t the answer - I fucking hate the cold, I don’t know what the hell either of us would do for work, and the last thing I want for my boys is for them to grow up in a depressed rural area with no opportunities (like Cape Breton, which would be great for middle-aged people like me and the BF but I doubt there’s much going on there for young people, which is why they’re reaching out for new population). 

But I’m just sickened by this country - the willful, indeed, gleeful ignorance; the racism; the hatred and meanness and grotesque materialism. Not every place is like this. Some places have their priorities straight. And after four years of this white trash nightmare I just don’t see us recovering. Eight years and I don’t see us surviving. 

So it’s nice to have an escape hatch - albeit an extremely flawed one. And none of these things may happen. Biden can win in November. Even if he’s not great, he’ll surround himself with great people. My business may be back on track by next year, or the year after that, and our band may even start traveling again, although that’s a ways away. The kids’ school might have some actual in-person schooling, although it’s looking doubtful for the ‘20-‘21 school year. The intense protesting this last week might finally start to turn the tide of police brutality and institutionalized racism...might. I want to be optimistic. When I was fourteen I almost killed myself because I just couldn’t believe things would ever get better. And oh, how they did, and all the amazing experiences I’ve had since! Is this that moment - everything looks so dark and all seems to be going straight in one direction, down - but if I just hang on and push past the impulse to give up, rewards are right around the corner? Like that scene in The African Queen where Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn think they’re impossibly lost on the river and give themselves up for dead, and yet the way home is just beyond them a few feet away past the bracken? Do I just need to wait for the bracken to clear? 

Welp, if not, I’ve got some ski wear and sweater knitting patterns - Oh, Canada, our home and native laaaaand....

Officially off

Today is June 1st, in which I submitted a letter on official letterhead to the hotel canceling my event, and contacted all of my paid attendees with cancellation options. Sigh. Here we go.

I couldn’t announce my virtual event nor cancellation online because, once again, still waiting on loan to fund. It also hit me right after I sent the emails that I can’t actually refund anyone right now, either, because it will empty my bank account and the loan people may still look there. Well, shit. I had already told people it could take ten days to get their refunds...hopefully they will hang in there with me. Really wish I had thought of that - and really wish I could just get the refi done already. As of this moment no guarantee I’ll even get it. 

Also? Our entire nation is under a curfew with military called in to keep order and we’re on the brink of a civil war. Did I forget to mention that??

None of us have left the house today. Boys were dragged, miserable, through their dwindling school work and now have been blissfully playing video games unattended for hours. The BF is obsessively watching live protest videos; I’m holed up in my bedroom obsessively scrolling (but I’m about to stop all that and escape into some mindless TV because I just don’t know what else to do right now). I am fasting. I feel weak and hungry and emotional. Broke down earlier. Black friends online full of fury and I don’t know what to say but they also say they see our silence and will remember it and I don’t know what to say to that, either. 

I never in my life thought we’d live through times this horrendous. As much as I’m sad I brought two innocent children into this mess, I’m glad they’re here because days like this they’re the only reason I choose to stick around. If this was nine years ago? Yeah, I’d be seriously reconsidering this whole single mother thing. This has to get better. We have to get rid of the orange menace in November, we have to get a vaccine to get rid of this ‘rona, we have to find a way to heal our racial divide. Things will be good again some day. Right? Right??