I couldn’t announce my virtual event nor cancellation online because, once again, still waiting on loan to fund. It also hit me right after I sent the emails that I can’t actually refund anyone right now, either, because it will empty my bank account and the loan people may still look there. Well, shit. I had already told people it could take ten days to get their refunds...hopefully they will hang in there with me. Really wish I had thought of that - and really wish I could just get the refi done already. As of this moment no guarantee I’ll even get it.
Also? Our entire nation is under a curfew with military called in to keep order and we’re on the brink of a civil war. Did I forget to mention that??
None of us have left the house today. Boys were dragged, miserable, through their dwindling school work and now have been blissfully playing video games unattended for hours. The BF is obsessively watching live protest videos; I’m holed up in my bedroom obsessively scrolling (but I’m about to stop all that and escape into some mindless TV because I just don’t know what else to do right now). I am fasting. I feel weak and hungry and emotional. Broke down earlier. Black friends online full of fury and I don’t know what to say but they also say they see our silence and will remember it and I don’t know what to say to that, either.
I never in my life thought we’d live through times this horrendous. As much as I’m sad I brought two innocent children into this mess, I’m glad they’re here because days like this they’re the only reason I choose to stick around. If this was nine years ago? Yeah, I’d be seriously reconsidering this whole single mother thing. This has to get better. We have to get rid of the orange menace in November, we have to get a vaccine to get rid of this ‘rona, we have to find a way to heal our racial divide. Things will be good again some day. Right? Right??
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