When we were young

There’s something about music festivals featuring bands of your youth that make you feel simultaneously both young and free and also impossibly old.

After much debate, we decided at the last minute to attend our third Cruel World despite having had a mild fit over their choice to headline Duran Duran (not goth…not goth!). I was still there for Tones on Tail (anything to get me in the presence of at least some members of Bauhaus and Love and Rockets). I hastily threw together this customized Love and Rockets-themed outfit from a jogging jumpsuit from JC Penney and an L&R logo from one of the H’s too small t shirts. I felt pretty good in it.

Unlike previous years, the weather was perfect. Also unlike previous years, there was nobody there I was overly excited to see, and therefore no magical moments, although I was caught off guard by how emotional I got hearing Simple Minds’ “Alive and Kicking”, and also really enjoyed Jesus and Mary Chain with all their buzzy psychedelic awesomeness, finally got to hear The Stranglers do “Peaches”, and of course Tones on Tail to round out the night.

My body, as usual, was destroyed. Back hurt after a few hours, feet and legs ached despite lots of sitting/lying down, and even with compression socks I still got Disney rash. 

I had hoped working out or walking five days a week would make me in better shape for this. Nope. Still old. Nothing can undo that, sadly.

So here I am the day after this festival with all bands in their 60s and 70s, and surrounded by mostly people like me who had 70s and 80s youths, feeling my aching body and awash with the feelings and sounds of my formative years, and just full of…I guess…saudade is the only word that really sums it up.

I also ran into the boy who broke my heart in high school, which, while delightful, also made me feel some type of way. We’ve been in touch since HS and resolved past issues and are now pleasant but distant friends - I mean, we’ll never hang out or anything - and we had chatted briefly on FB about both going to the No Values show in June, but I was surprised to see him yesterday. That certainly added a little something to that weird feeling of being so far removed from my teen self, and yet she’s still in there, you know?

It’s odd to look at my kids now - especially Bobby, as he’s on the eve of being a teenager - and think this is the little person that will still be inside them when they’re grown men and completely different than they are now. Will they one day listen to the music of their youth and cry? Is there music of their youth, or is their music just my music? Will music mean the same thing to them, or not, since obviously music was my way of escaping my traumas and dissociating? I wonder these things about them, while also acknowledging a) they’re boys, b) their childhood was in the teens, not the 70s, and c) they are growing up in Los Angeles and not Boston and New York City. So many differences. 

Today is Mother’s Day, and with the specter of my own broken maternal relationship long behind me now, I can enjoy the day and claim it for myself. I’m going to sit in bed and nurse my aching body and later we’re all going out to a nice vegan dinner. I’m grateful for these men in my life, I really am. 

May is here

May is here and I am torn between feeling like I wish this time would never end, and wishing it would go more quickly. Spring is always weird for me because my event is open (as of this year, we’re always open) but I’m between the opening hoopla and the time where things need to get done, so it’s an awkward holding pattern. The kids are itching to be done with school - five more weeks - everywhere is a feeling of ramping up while also winding down.

After doing a bit of research and asking in groups, I was able to find some suitable summer camp options for older kids for next year - gone will be the days of lunches provided and full days, however I’m pleased to see there’s at least something to keep tweens and young teenagers occupied for a few hours each day. I’m especially interested in some theater camps, science camps, and volunteer camps. Everything will cost more than I’m used to, but I may not need many weeks in the future. I will probably have to Frankenstein together a series of different camps week by week. I also got a notice that the boys’ atheist sleepaway camp may be canceled due to lack of signups, which has me slightly panicked since this is the only year they need to be somewhere as I’ll be in Korea for three of the weekdays they’d be gone. I know that camp never really rebounded after covid, and it makes me sad. I saw that the YMCA sleepaway camp still has a few spots - but I don’t want to bail and make their situation worse, while also not wanting to be left canceled on at the last minute. I imagine they won’t know for sure until it gets so close that they have no other option but to close. I’m just hoping desperately that they can squeak by one more year. 

Our penultimate desert visit starts tomorrow night, and that’s another thing that’s coming too fast. I’m struggling to figure out how to stay on my diet while also cooking for other people all weekend. I’m down six pounds - my Lose It calorie counting app threw me a little party - and I’m pretty proud of that. I no longer have to wonder if the method I developed will work. It definitely does; now I just have to stick with it for three more months. I’m 1/3 of the way there. I’m still at the point where none of my clothes fit, I still have a big fat gut, and I can’t cross my legs or bend over and tie my shoes easily. But I know from experience that another 5-6 lbs and all of that will change. In 5-6 lbs I can wear 70% of my wardrobe; in 12 lbs I can wear 100% of it. That’s my goal. I think I can do it.