Camping

We had our first family camping trip over Memorial Day weekend. After several Memorial Days in a row with zero plans or hastily thrown together last minute plans, I had booked this camping spot at Lake Piru last year for us and another family, and I’m so glad I did. 

We had to buy pretty much all of the gear other than a camping stove from scratch and there was a steep learning curve as far as set up/tear down and the basic management of daily activities, but now that we’ve done it once I feel like it’s going to be smooth sailing. The BF said I was the best person he’d ever camped with, for how prepared and organized I was. That was a huge compliment. 

The only downside was the one full day we were there, Sunday, it poured rain and was bitter cold. It made for miserable muddy conditions and a lot of unpleasantness - many of the other campers packed up and left. But I took the opportunity to knit a dish scrubbie, read, drink liberal cups of cocoa filled with marshmallows, and nap. The BF took the boys fishing, and the next day as we left we went on a wonderful boat ride in which we took a baby duck on board who was all alone and kept following us; it was the cutest thing that ever happened to me.

The next day I ran out and bought all of the efficient devices that would have made my life easier - a camping spice container set, a bin to keep bread from being crushed, a collapsible grey water bin, a collapsible dish rack for clean dishes, a multi-compartment foldable sink. I also got the boys their own tent. Having two rambunctious boys treat your tent as a giant bouncy house/wrestling stadium - tracking in mud and crushing your reading glasses with their unbridled enthusiasm - was no bueno. 

We camp again Father’s Day weekend and I’m looking for a spot in August. There is so much to explore in California - especially now that the drought is over and the lakes are no longer depressing dust bowls. My goal going forward is to try to camp five-six times a year over the warm months. I want to make this a regular thing. There’s just something so zen about having your entire existence reduced to a toothbrush and a saucepan. 

My kids’ childhoods are 1000% better than mine, part MCMXVII

I just played the boys “Paint it Black” and Bobby said, “why does he want everything black? I don’t get it,” and I said it was because he was sad. “Haven’t you ever felt that way?” I asked. He said no. It was all I could do not to say, “Jesus, kid, when I was your age I was contemplating suicide on like a daily basis!”

Example number 5,387 why my kids’ childhoods are better than mine was. 

Also, just went in to tuck the boys in and Bobby rambled off, bored, “love you, too” before I’d even said it. My kid is so used to hearing me tell him I love him that he’s bored by it. Let that sink in for a minute. Reason number 5,....

In other news, Mother’s Day was a roaring success. I managed to lob away unwanted depressing thoughts about my mother and my own love-starved inner child like so many machine-thrown tennis balls. We had a delightful hike up Eaton Canyon to a beautiful waterfall. We all got wet in the stream, ruined our shoes, and had a blast. I got to listen to nothing but Beck in the car and got cute cards from the BF & boys. 

After this...I’ve been very, very busy, and as a result have felt pretty frazzled and discombobulated. There is so much work to do for my business that I don’t even know where to start...but I did meet with my new business partner and we went over things with a fine tooth comb so I feel a lot more secure about the success of switching over my registration system (which, much to my chagrin, has still not happened). Went to Portland last weekend to sing; will go on a first camping trip this weekend. Then I have back-to-back trips to Germany and NY as the boys finish up school. I finally got them registered for that summer sports camp today after months of stalking them. So they are set until our return from Hawaii in mid-July. If they like it they’ll continue on until school starts in August. 

It feels good to be rounding out the school year. Bobby did well in first grade - only had (I think?) one note home from the teacher, got 100% on nearly all of his spelling tests, seems to be doing well socially. Theo thrived at his little neighborhood school - what a godsend that place ended up being - and will be that much more ready for kindergarten because of it. I cannot wait until that first day of school when I walk them both down the ramp to their teachers. I feel like I am on the precipice of that sweet spot of childhood - no more toddler craziness and before the sturm und drang of adolescence. It feels good.

It’s about me

Korea, as the last two trips, was a dream. Great food, sight seeing, appreciative audiences, autographs, pictures with fans. It’s a good thing I’m a very grounded, practical person, or I could get used to that. I came home to a fair amount of jet lag and massive spaciness. A lot of day sleeping and continual forwarding of my to do list. Spoiler alert - nothing got done last week. But the kids made it to school every day, got hot dinners, and Bobby didn’t poop his pants. I’ll chalk that up to a win.

A lot of what kept me stymied last week was the sickening dread of Mother’s Day. I found myself getting pretty emotional and panicky about it. It started when, after planning a get together for the last year with two friends with problematic mothers, one of them bailed, and the other never said anything so I assume decided to bail, also. I was inordinately upset about it and it dragged me down all week. Also, it was chilly and gloomy here, I was jet lagged, and PMSing. In other words - the perfect cocktail to set me off on a tailspin. 

In a text conversation the BF reminded me to try to take the focus off of my own mother and put it on myself as the mother of these kids. I have tried to do this in the past but failed. But this time? This time I’m pissed. I’m sick of being a wreck on Mother’s Day. That woman robbed me of so many things - she doesn’t get to rob me of this, too. So I decided to do a little old school brain rewiring, which worked so well for me years ago to overcome intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, depression, panic disorder, etc. So for the last few days whenever I’ve been tempted to ruminate I fiercely redirect my thoughts with a simple, “no, this day is about me, not her,” and it’s been working. I find myself actually looking forward to it. It is my day, dammit. I earned this shit - from every labor contraction to every butt wiped, every hug given to every sassy comment endured. I get to have a day. And it’s delightful to be able to spend it with people who love and appreciate me. 

Now, who knows how tomorrow will actually go. But I think, much like the last time I took a stand against my self-abusive thoughts, that I’m just sick of them and ready to let them go. Sometimes you just have to be ready to move on. I think I am. I don’t want to be upset anymore. I’m tired of it. 

In other news, I’m looking forward to finally having my registration system switched over next weekend (hallelujah) so I can at last get into the work of running my business, I go to Portland next weekend, the kids have four weeks left of school, and I get to plant my edible garden on Thursday. 

And hey, you. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, DAMMIT!