It’s about me

Korea, as the last two trips, was a dream. Great food, sight seeing, appreciative audiences, autographs, pictures with fans. It’s a good thing I’m a very grounded, practical person, or I could get used to that. I came home to a fair amount of jet lag and massive spaciness. A lot of day sleeping and continual forwarding of my to do list. Spoiler alert - nothing got done last week. But the kids made it to school every day, got hot dinners, and Bobby didn’t poop his pants. I’ll chalk that up to a win.

A lot of what kept me stymied last week was the sickening dread of Mother’s Day. I found myself getting pretty emotional and panicky about it. It started when, after planning a get together for the last year with two friends with problematic mothers, one of them bailed, and the other never said anything so I assume decided to bail, also. I was inordinately upset about it and it dragged me down all week. Also, it was chilly and gloomy here, I was jet lagged, and PMSing. In other words - the perfect cocktail to set me off on a tailspin. 

In a text conversation the BF reminded me to try to take the focus off of my own mother and put it on myself as the mother of these kids. I have tried to do this in the past but failed. But this time? This time I’m pissed. I’m sick of being a wreck on Mother’s Day. That woman robbed me of so many things - she doesn’t get to rob me of this, too. So I decided to do a little old school brain rewiring, which worked so well for me years ago to overcome intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation, depression, panic disorder, etc. So for the last few days whenever I’ve been tempted to ruminate I fiercely redirect my thoughts with a simple, “no, this day is about me, not her,” and it’s been working. I find myself actually looking forward to it. It is my day, dammit. I earned this shit - from every labor contraction to every butt wiped, every hug given to every sassy comment endured. I get to have a day. And it’s delightful to be able to spend it with people who love and appreciate me. 

Now, who knows how tomorrow will actually go. But I think, much like the last time I took a stand against my self-abusive thoughts, that I’m just sick of them and ready to let them go. Sometimes you just have to be ready to move on. I think I am. I don’t want to be upset anymore. I’m tired of it. 

In other news, I’m looking forward to finally having my registration system switched over next weekend (hallelujah) so I can at last get into the work of running my business, I go to Portland next weekend, the kids have four weeks left of school, and I get to plant my edible garden on Thursday. 

And hey, you. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, DAMMIT!