The fog settles

Unsurprisingly I’m still in a bit of a fog, still feeling unmoored and distracted. Is it like this every year? Perhaps. A year is too far for the human brain to contextualize. Everyone forgets how hot or cold it gets; everyone forgets what happened last Christmas. I do recall feeling like I’m not really recovered from the event until about mid-October, so odds are whatever I’m going through mentally is normal. 

Still no sign of the final hotel bill, so although I have a glimpse of what I’m facing, I don’t know for sure. The money situation seems to be ok but not great. Being the overachiever I am, I had hoped I’d be a bit better off than last year, but I think actually I’ll be a bit worse off. I keep forgetting that I did in fact lose 80 people and the event was a lot more expensive, so there’s literally no way I could have ended up with more money. I’m lucky I could even pay for it, honestly. But my bills are covered. That’s all that matters. 

Despite having tweaked my back during the move back from the hotel and been in mild to excruciating pain ever since, I was able to do all of my exercise classes this week and jump back in to at least some of my volunteering (I won’t be able to do any Friday food distribution for two more weeks, sadly). Slowly things are getting back to normal - although all of that is about to change; I leave for Chicago on Thursday, then the following week am in Northern California the weekend after. Maybe some travel will be just what the doctor ordered, however. I haven’t been anywhere since Hawaii in June and am feeling extremely restless. The weather in the desert is absolutely perfect right now but much to my chagrin because of all these trips we can’t go for another month. I need to try to keep this particular weekend open in the future for a desert trip (we have a concert tonight). 

Yesterday the kids had a minimum day so I took them to in n out for lunch and asked them to grade their 7th and 9th grade experiences so far. Theo gave his an 89.5 and Bobby gave his a 75. Bobby does not like his English or Spanish classes; both kids like their math and science classes. These kids are so the opposite of me. I tried to talk to them about colleges or future career aspirations but they’re just not there yet. It’s so odd because I was so future and career driven at their age - part of that may have been that my home life and childhood were so unenjoyable; part of it may have just been that I was a girl. I feel like so many (not all, of course) of my friends have girls that are highly motivated and active and involved in things, whereas all their boys are just home playing video games like mine. Is this normal? Should I be worried? I worry constantly whether I actually should or not. I figure it’s a year or two before I really need to focus on Bobby’s college ambitions or adult future; but being me I feel like I always need to be one step ahead. I attended a college prep zoom put on by the school last night but it was an hour of useless information. Sigh. 

In general feeling pretty good about things politically, pretty optimistic. MAGA appears to be in its long overdue death throes; I’m hopeful for the mid terms. That’s going to be one hell of a nail biter of a night. I’m literally counting the days. 

Post-con

I’m alive!! And I just had the kids carry all the boxes and crap out to the shed, which marks the official end of the event. I only have a few more payments left, and tackling the always insane hotel bill, but other than that I’m mostly done.

How did it go? It went well. I have to say it was probably the most incident-free; no problematic men to throw out, no major racial incidents unlike last year. The worst thing that happened was I got sick and lost my voice; couldn’t sing on Sunday night and could barely talk on the final two days, but all things considered I’ll happily take that over what happened last year. 

Financially it’s hard to say; there’s so much money still coming and going, and I don’t know where I’m going to land with the hotel bill. I’m tempted to say I’ll be about where I was last year. We’ll see in about a month when everything is cleared and paid and I can compare where I am to where I was last year at the same time. Obviously I made it through the whole year last year without borrowing ahead - even had enough to cover a $25,000 garage wall repair without going into debt - so I can manage another year like that. I think curbing our travel budget and other things like extravagant birthday parties and sleepaway camps really helps. It sucks not having extra, but right now I’m just glad to be surviving. 

The whole feel of the camp made me hopeful for the future, too - I don’t think I need to worry about this event fading away any time soon. There’s so much good will and joy around it; it’s something people depend on. I don’t think I’m going to lose more people next year. I think I’m either going to level out around 900 and stay there for a while or start gaining people back. I only lost 80 people from last year which is less than I’d anticipated. And the price increases helped stave off big losses. So I’m ok.

It was exhausting having to jump right into getting up at 7 to get kids to school all week - today was the first day I got to really sleep. Still fighting off whatever this lurgey is - I tested for covid and came up negative, so I think it’s just a nasty head cold. 

This year the kids were more on their own than ever - the H made a bunch of complicated projects for himself so wasn’t there to supervise them. Thankfully they played with some other Lindy hop kids that they see every year. I had told them that they’re going to have to take a little agency and get themselves down to the food room alone and grab a plate. I don’t know if they ever did this; I also don’t know if they ever brushed their teeth or put on sunscreen when they went to the pool. I guess this is the one time I get to experience hands-off 70s and 80s parenting wherein I don’t know where the kids are or what they’re doing. It’s weird, but I’m too busy to be concerned about it. 

It’s odd to think of a time, not too far off, when they won’t need to be driven home to go to school anymore or be picked up as we’re unloading the truck or, god forbid, not even come to the event at all because they’ve got their own stuff going on. That’s a profoundly bizarre thought but is pretty likely to happen - the day may come in just a few years where they really have nothing to do with it at all. I wish they had some interest in all this stuff, but they just don’t. Oh well! They want to make their own way in the world. I respect that. 

For now I’m too in the weeds of event wrap-up to even think about what’s next - visiting the cabin, our Christmas road trip, my fall garden - but hopefully in a week or two the fog will clear. I went on a bit of a spending spree buying soft goth clothes from companies with names like Vampire Freaks and Disturbia to plot out my fall identity. Next week I return to my exercise classes and volunteering efforts. I’m going to lean in heavy to activism now that the midterms are just weeks away. All hands on deck!!