A little advice

OK, I was going to wait until I was actually pregnant to post this, because since I haven’t been successful yet I’m sure the response will be, “how the hell do you know?  You’re not even pregnant!”  But the more I thought about it the more I realized it’s fresh in my mind now and may actually help people.  So, here it is:

I’ve been thinking about my TTC “journey” which for me began last November but thus far has only consisted of one actual try and two canceled attempts.  So I started in the Theory phase (measuring this whole Single Mom By Choice thing in my mind, justifying it to myself, seeing if it’s a fit for me); then in March moved into the Trying phase (going in for ultrasounds & IUIs), and am now in the Assisted Trying phase (meds).  I look back often over the last couple of months and wonder if I could have done anything differently to avoid some of the expense, heartache, and time wasted.  And of course I see I really couldn’t have avoided everything that happened; there was just no way of knowing what was really going on, or no reason to think I had a problem until now.  However, I read other blogs of Tryers and see what they’re going through, and talk to women who may be considering this route one day, and I think I can pinpoint the things I did right and the things I did wrong.  I know every woman is different (and my situation is especially bizarre, considering I wasn’t ovulating yet was showing all the signs of ovulating, which is unusual) but I hope I can at least pass on some things I’ve learned thus far:

Do your homework.  The most valuable thing you can do if you decide to try to get pregnant is chart your temperatures for a couple of months to see your standard pattern.  There are many signs of ovulation – cervical mucus changes, cervix position, ovulation predictor kits, changes in libido, Iphone apps that predict your ovulation day – but let me tell you something – the ONLY true sign of ovulation comes after your ovulation has already  passed, which is a sustained rise in temperatures in the second half of your cycle.  If like me you see a temperature spike but then your temperatures drift back to the coverline, listen to me when I say YOU ARE NOT OVULATING.  I thought because I got positive OPKs and CM and all that stuff, plus a predictable temp drop followed by a spike every month and had regular cycles that I had to be ovulating.  Nope.  If you’re in doubt, run a progesterone test at cycle day 21 just for kicks.  The number will tell you if you ovulated or not (I believe it should be around 10 or up for a good strong ovulation – mine was at 3 which means it didn’t happen).

If you’re older and want to eliminate any fears about egg quality/reserve, get those Day 3 labs run (FSH & Estradiol).  I put this off because I was scared, but for me these tests were a huge boost – my numbers were good, so I no longer had that nagging feeling that I was too old or my eggs were running out.  And even if your numbers aren’t ideal there are treatments for this, too.

Don’t waste time.  Unless you’re younger or have the mentality that you just want to take it step by step and not be aggressive, don’t waste time on fantasy.  Don’t be like me and assume everything is ok just because it “mostly” looks ok, or assume the one month things went wrong was just a “fluke”.  Had I paid attention to my four months of charting and not just disregarded what they were telling me I could have been on meds back in March and possibly be two months’ pregnant already.  So if you want to get aggressive and don’t just want to “wait and see”, for god’s sake, do it.  The meds aren’t going to bite you.

Don’t freak out.  If you do find you have a fertility problem, don’t freak out.  It’s amazing how common this is at any age, and it’s also amazing what an easy fix most things are.  I had assumed “not ovulating” was this horrible, dire thing.  Turns out it’s really common and doesn’t mean anything about your future fertility as long as you take steps to correct it.  Remember that the people you engage to help you in this really want you to be pregnant, too.  They will help you overcome whatever ails you.  With this said, however –

Be your own advocate.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to be educated about fertility and your own body, to know the medications, to know symptoms.  Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Google every question no matter how dumb it is (but be sure to get your answers from actual pregnancy/fertility sites and not just discussion groups that are rife with misinformation).  Google medications if you think you might need them, know the costs, how to take them, and the possible pitfalls.  Don’t feel bad about second guessing your doctors or asking about something they haven’t brought up.  I had to point out my low post-O temps to my clinic before they mentioned it; I had to ask about Femara vs. Clomid; I had to ask for an ultrasound that seemed to the clinic to be unnecessary but saved me another wasted IUI.  So, trust that these people have your best interests at heart but trust yourself more.  “Trust in the Lord, but tie your camel”.

Be prepared for canceled cycles.  You may find your “journey” to motherhood is taking way longer than you expected.  For some reason I thought once you decided to start actively trying you’d be trying every month, and surely within six months or less you’d be pregnant…right?  Turns out a lot of things get in the way to trotting off to an IUI every 28 days.  You travel.  You get sick.  You randomly don’t ovulate.  You routinely don’t ovulate.  You have plans you just can’t get out of.  Your lining is too thin.  You don’t respond to the meds.  You respond a little too well to the meds.  You develop cysts.  The cysts don’t resolve in one month.  Did you know you have fibroids?  All kinds of fun stuff.  Now I understand that for many women the actual “tries” are surrounded on all sides by attempted tries that get canceled for your health.  So it’s best to understand that you won’t get to try every time you want to.  And it’s good to let go of a timeline.  I had a specific time I wanted to be pregnant so I could make big announcements or schedule it around travel or work – I’ve thrown all that out now and just accepted that it’ll happen when it happens.  And the sooner the better.

Keep perspective.  When you’re trying to have a baby and it’s not working out it sometimes feels like it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone.  You also come up with a false timeline of how long it’s been that you’ve been trying.  I feel like I’ve been trying since November because that’s when I decided to do it; to date I have only had ONE IUI and two canceled cycles.  I have a friend who felt like she was trying for two years, when in fact they only had about five actual medicated tries before reaching the goal line.  So it’s easy to get so caught up in this that you feel like it’s taking forever or is the worst thing ever.  Look around you, look at the world.  Trust me, there are far worse things than this going on.  Just think, you’re trying to make a happy, joyful thing happen in your life.  Many people are just trying to cling to life.  If your goal is to be a parent of someone, you absolutely will meet this goal one way or the other, even if it’s not how you originally planned. 

Now I understand it’s totally impossible to breeze through the TTC process, especially a difficult one, without all sorts of highs and lows and really, really bad days where you want to drive off a cliff.  This is all normal and shouldn’t be suppressed.  You’re entitled to your feelings.  But do remember that once you’ve met your goal none of this part will matter – you’ll barely remember it.  Let’s all lift our glasses of (non-alcoholic) cider to cheer the day when we all get our BFPs!!!