Resolutions

Was reading Shannon’s lovely post about what a difference a year makes – when a year ago she was recovering from a crushing miscarriage, and today she’s looking at her newborn baby.  This has really stuck with me.  Because like all hopeful moms-to-be I think constantly about what I could be doing in a year, or two, or three – I sit on the couch and wonder what it would be like to look down at a cooing baby (or a big belly); I stand at the stove cooking and wonder what it would be like to have a little kid with a dirty face come running in wanting to help measure the spices; I look at my pool and wonder what it would be like to teach a little baby to swim with me.  Could all this be in my future?  Or in a year or more will I be doing exactly the same thing I’m doing now – blogging, childless and not pregnant? 

Found another blog in which a woman lists having a baby along with her resolutions.  I of course had this as my New Year’s resolution for 2011 – but on Facebook I simply wrote “start composting”.  As of nearly June I have accomplished neither.  I wish I could be more honest about my TTC plans – it’s particularly tricky with this trip to Seattle coming up this weekend, and right now thinking I may still have to cancel the whole thing or come home early after already leaving late; how am I going to explain that to the several people who will be negatively affected?  But I still believe it’s best to keep my mouth shut.  Because I just don’t know how I’m going to feel if I have a miscarriage or never achieve a pregnancy at all.  I have a hunch I may not want everyone knowing these two things, if it they happen.

So as I had a paranoia about getting my period early and it ruining everything (it sort of did), now I am having a paranoia I’ll get the CM early which will be an indicator that ovulation will happen over the weekend.  In a way it kind of doesn’t matter – I mean, so what, so I cancel the trip, piss everyone off, and have the refund my airfare to the woman who bought it for me.  At least I’ll get to try, right?  It’s certainly better than being told June is a bust.  Part of me really doesn’t want to do this trip for a variety of reasons; I remind myself of this whenever I have a sudden panic that I’m going to ovulate on Sunday or something.  But I do find it odd that since I have no 2ww yet to panic about my brain is formulating other things to panic about.

Speaking of panic, my trigger shot arrived via Fedex yesterday.  So there’s a box with two vials in it – one a powder, one a liquid – a syringe, some alcohol swabs, and a second needle.  Also a piece of paper saying administer as instructed – with NO instructions.  I mean, not even a hint of any guidance, anywhere.  Thank God for the internet, because I don’t know how to use this stuff, WHERE to inject it, how to inject it, how to prepare it, ANYTHING.  Looked up several YouTube videos which at least showed how to use a syringe (don’t even know that) and mix the liquid, but most don’t tell you how or where to inject – mainly because the person videotaping (the partner) is the one doing the injection, so they always shut the camera off right before anything happens.  This annoys me on several levels.  I don’t mind admitting I had a minor freak out just looking at the needle.  Now, I’m not inordinately afraid of needles – I’ve gotten used to them after all my blood tests.  But something about the whole thing just got to me and I got very nauseated and light headed for a couple of hours and had to lie down.  I think it hit me on some primal level, because I’m not consciously bothered by it – I mean, it’s just an injection, it’ll be over in a second and is no big deal.  I may have a friend over to administer it (if I get to do it here in town – if I’m in Seattle I’m on my own).  Still I freaked out.  It just scared me, I’ll be honest.

Didn’t sleep well last night.  I am seriously dreading the next three weeks of my life, even if the news is good and I am given the green light to continue.  How the heck am I going to do this?  How am I going to survive another 2ww, especially when this one will be LONGER and more uncertain because of the freakin’ trigger shot which gives false positives?  I have six pregnancy tests that were sent to me in error when I ordered opks from Amazon once – I think I’m going to use them up in a kind of homemade “trigger shot challenge” which I read about online, by which you start testing early to see if you get a negative to show the hcg is out of your system.  One thing I don’t understand, though, is do the tests just stay positive if you’re pregnant, or do they go negative and then positive?  The tests I have are not early detection ones, they ask at least two weeks before you use them.  So is it possible to get negatives for a few days and then positives?  Should I even bother torturing myself with all this?  I figure hey, it’s something to do, right?

I so wish I could just resolve to be calm and cool this time, but I know already that’s impossible.  So maybe the best way to look at the next few weeks is to understand it’s going to be tough and just be in it.  Embrace the torment.  It’s better than trying to fight it.