Eyes on the prize

So, May is a no-go.  Got the ultrasound today and there was no movement on the follicles, and in fact my lining had taken on a whitish appearance which she said was typical of non- or post-ovulatory times.  So either we missed it by a huge margin (remember, the first ultrasound was Day 12, so I would have had to have ovulated days before then if we missed it, which is unlikely – we’ll know for sure when my period shows up!) or it just didn’t happen this month, for no apparent reason.

Because it was a Friday and only Y, my original consult lady, was there, we got to have a nice long chat.  She kindly told me I have beautiful, fertile –looking ovaries, and was impressed by my Day 3 labs.  I asked how often she sees a case like me where there’s a healthy, not-too-old woman such as myself, with all the signs of ovulation, good labs, and no indication of any problems, and yet there are unexplained problems.  She said about 10% of the time.  So guess what?  I fall into that bizarre 10% of women who have fertility issues for no apparent reason.

This is what drives me nuts, because most women I read about who have issues KNOW ahead of time they have issues – they’ve had a long history of irregular periods, PCOS, endo, any number of things.  So I’m not saying their situation is better than mine – I know it’s not – but at least they KNOW what’s wrong and they can take steps to correct it.  They’re dealing with a known factor, and there are methods and protocols.  In my case it’s totally nuts and unknown.  Everything is in place – lining, follicles, healthy ovaries, good labs, positive OPKs, CM, temperature shifts.  And yet – nothing.

So I managed to talk her into putting me on Clomid next cycle.  It’s a terrible Catch-22 (Catch-38?) because I may be jeopardizing a perfectly good cycle; after all, if April was good (maybe) then June will be good, and Clomid runs the risk of hyperstimulating the ovaries, which will result in a canceled cycle, or thinning the lining, which will also result in a canceled cycle.  So this should be fun for me – next month enduring the weirdness known as Clomid (and I get to take it while out of town at a very stressful gig I already am dreading…good times) – being monitored, and possibly being told we have to stop because the ovaries are producing too many follicles, or that the lining is too thin.  And then I’ll be wondering if I’d just left everything alone if I would have been able to try.  Can you see what a horrible decision this is?  But I went with the Clomid.  I mean, nothing would piss me off more than getting in there un-medicated in June and being told “you’re not ovulating” AGAIN.

In the meantime I also made an appointment with their recommended RE for next Thurs.  At least this guy has a free consultation; I figure it couldn’t hurt.  I just want some damned answers, even though I know there aren’t any to be had.  For me it’s all just a mystery.  A maddening, frustrating mystery.

Y told me one very helpful thing, she said she’s never seen someone my age, with my numbers & general health, not be successful eventually.  She said you will be successful if you persist.  There really, and I mean really, is no reason I can’t get pregnant, with my age & stats.  She says sometimes she sees people like me who just go away and they never know what becomes of them, but she says the ones who keep going are always successful.  So I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I really do.

I feel very positive right now; I suppose it’s because I spent the last two days freaking out and now I’m tired of it.  I’ll tell you two things – one, I’m so glad I don’t have to endure another torturous 2ww with disappointment at the end; I think I’d have a nervous breakdown.  Two, and I’m being totally honest here: as hard as this has been thus far, I have to say, dating was worse for me.  All this up and down, dashed hopes, frustration, anger, self-pity – I knew it all when I was dating, and it felt worse.  Because at least here I never have to wait more than two weeks before something starts happening.  Dating you never knew when you’d meet someone, if they’d call, if they’d be the person they originally presented themselves to be.  Would I rather wait for blood test results than for a man to call?  Yes, yes I would.