So I’ve been trying to come up with a positive post to write today, but for some reason it keeps coming out sounding profoundly negative. Why? I don’t feel negative. I had a fun weekend, and my spirits are up. I feel positive and hopeful, indeed, grateful that we identified I have a problem before wasting more money and hopes on unsuccessful IUIs. So maybe what I should write about today is how things are pretty good, actually, and they certainly could be, and have been, far worse.
I often think of this TTC stuff thus far and try to compare it to other difficult times in my life. And I have to say, thus far, this is not the hardest thing I ever went through; not even close. I say this with the full understanding that this may end up becoming the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. But let’s hope not. Here in order of difficulty are the things I’ve been through that were way more emotionally & (sometimes) financially difficult than this:
1. The “break up” with my mother, by far the most emotionally damaging thing I’ve ever endured. This plus pulling away from the “cult” I was raised in at the same time – I even sought out an “exit counselor” to help me with this process. So, other than the therapy, this experience didn’t really cost me anything, but was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through emotionally.
2. The lawsuit. As mentioned I was sued in 1999-2000 over a partnership dispute with my business. It was horrendous and cost me $60,000 in legal fees that I wasn’t allowed to recoup. I had horrific panic attacks for two years, was afraid to leave the house, and lived in terror of losing my business (after I had already quit my job). I felt like I was being tortured, and I was. Luckily, I won. It took me about five years to recover financially.
3. My New Orleans debacle. In 2005 I bought a fourplex in New Orleans as an investment property – five days before Katrina. The building didn’t flood, so that wasn’t an issue for me, but the back wall collapsed, and the insurance company refused to pay saying it was termites and not a level 5 hurricane that caused the collapse. I had to sue the insurance company, and I won every penny, but it all went to the lawyer. I fixed the building using a Small Business Administration Disaster loan, but once it was repaired vandals broke in and tore the whole building apart again. Then my insurance canceled me. Then I finally sold it after three years of carrying an empty building – at a huge loss. I currently hold $100,00 in debt that I will spend the rest of my life paying because of this; total cost of this experience over three years I estimate at about $250,000.
4. Then, of course, there’s Dating in Your Thirties. Eight miserable years of internet (and other) dates, almost none resulting in a second date, with nothing but constant rejection, teasing, and disappointment, as all of my friends met great guys, got married, and had babies. Horrible experience; will never, EVER internet date again.
So, I can honestly say as of right now that TTC has been a drop in the bucket compared to these experiences. At least this one has a guaranteed happy ending – I will be a parent, whether it’s to my own biological child or not. And as of right now I have no reason to believe I won’t be successful in having at least one biological child, and soon. Everything looks rosy right now – not focusing on the past frustrations, just moving forward with hope. Just think, I could have gone ahead with repeated IUIs and failed; I could have far worse medical problems; I could be older and feel more urgency. I’m not crazy about the timing now (the rest of the year is very complicated between my event in July, four more band traveling trips, and having to take a break in the fall so I don’t end up delivering during my event next year, so my chances to “try” are very limited until January) but the reality is I do have about four more possible tries this year unless they get canceled. It’s all good.
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