Can I be bought?

So, I had the interview at The Lion today.  Very conflicted, although I have to say after doing a quick “paycheck calculator” online it made me sway more towards the “no” side.  Basically, the money just isn’t good enough.  Which I think is part of their problem – they said they do have people interviewing, but they are people who are used to making twice as much money, so they don’t think these people will take the job.  Ever since this came up last week I have been asking myself, can I be bought?  Right now I don’t know, but I think the proper answer is, “yes, but for the right price.”

We left it as yes, I’m open to the idea, so they will discuss amongst themselves, see what they can come up with for me as far as flex time (they are pretty cool about letting people make their own hours for the most part; although in the end it’s still a full time job, so you have to be in the office pretty much every day), and we’ll talk later.  I’d like to mull it around a bit more.  But right now I’m about 70-30 that I’ll just say thanks but no thanks.  After all, the part time work I did for them may always come back, and that’s what I really want.  Doing the math it looks like I could make about the same working on a contractor basis 20 hours a week as I would make full time at 40 hours a week. 

What this really comes down to is autonomy.  I have to say I really, really don’t want to be owned.  This is a major issue in my life; maybe only now I’m realizing how much of an issue.  I had to ask myself today, what do I value most, money or freedom?  I would say hands-down, freedom.  After all, I’m not destitute; I’m getting by, and just fine.  Sure, I worry about money, and fret over every little expense.  But it’s all manageable.  The debt, the fertility treatments, the insurance – it’s all under control. 

As I was driving over there today I had this sick feeling in my gut – I thought, “ugh, imagine doing this every day.”  I remember how I felt working there back in the 90s; I felt like my life was being pissed away.  There is just something about getting up every day, sitting in traffic, going in to an office, and drudging through a bunch of crap you don’t want to do for eight hours, then going home.  I used to have horrible panic attacks on Sunday nights, just dreading another week in the office.  And I think I need to really consider this – the actual work, the day to day work, is not anything I want to do.  Do I really want to spend 40 hours a week doing work I don’t want to do, when I don’t really have to?

Then of course there’s the as yet non-existent baby.  I know there are arguments for and against full time work when you’re a single parent with an infant.  Sure, there’s an advantage to putting the kid in daycare and continuing with your career, having that adult interaction and stimulation every day.  I see that.  But again, a large part of this whole process for me was the ability to be home with the kid(s) all day, to be with them at least during those early developmental years.  Even my mother with her general lack of maternal instincts said it was fascinating getting to stay home with us when we were little, watching us develop and reach milestones.  She said she wouldn’t have traded that time for anything.  And a big part of me thinks I’m as stable as I am because I had a fairly normal first couple of years with a full time parent. 

Is it just my pride and ego talking that I don’t want to “go back to work”?  Should I just suck it up and work because the benefits of that extra money, health insurance, and stimulation every day will be so worth it?  Is it ok to take on a full time job knowing I may be pregnant in a few months, even a few days?  It’s all a major toss-up.  But right now I’m thinking no, I need to stick to my guns, stick with my business as it is, and hold my head up that I’m self-employed and proud – maybe a little broke sometimes, but free as a bird.