God said, Ha!

Here are some comments from today's journal.  I strongly advise any Christian believers to not read this post.  You will be offended.

5/4/11  10:44 AM

Positive OPK today, which kind of surprised me considering how faint yesterday’s was.  But it is certainly more positive than last month’s.  It’s hard because we’re in a heat spell and I’ve been drinking gallons of water, which means all of the lines, including the test lines, are pretty faint, so it’s hard to read.  Still, I believe we’re ON for tomorrow.

Ultrasound Lady called and said we’d just do the insem tomorrow, but I said I want an ultrasound anyway.  She said she really didn’t see the point since I have the positive test, but I just want one for peace of mind, and I’m willing to waste $200.  I refuse to spend the next two weeks wondering if I bungled the timing like I did last time.  I want to know a) that everything is in place (lining, follicles the right size, etc – remember, last month she couldn’t see the ovary at all so couldn’t do any measurements, and the month before just showed we’d missed a potential ovulation, so I’ve never once seen myself “ready to go”), b) there isn’t some weird problem (remember the last time I thought I ovulated from this ovary they said I didn’t – want to make sure this ovary is working), and c) there isn’t some new thing I’m unaware of, like cysts, etc.  Anyway, to me it’s well worth it to know for sure this insem has a shot of taking, otherwise I know I’ll sit here worrying that this ovary doesn’t ovulate, that I screwed up the timing, all that stuff.  I think it’s in my best interest right now to make sure I make this whole process as emotionally stable for myself as possible.  And sitting around with doubts is not good for me.  So, if all looks good, we’re on for Cinco de Mayo!

I have been completely enthralled by this This American Life episode from the 90s called “Godless America” which has a piece by Julia Sweeney from her “God Said Ha!” show, in which she breaks down her journey from devout Catholic to non-believer, mainly because of an ill-fated Bible study class in which she discovers that the Bible is bullshit.  Then after that goes faith in God…then goes belief in an afterlife.  It’s amazing to me how these dominos are always the same for everyone who becomes an atheist: first it’s distrust in the organization of the religion, then it’s disbelief in the tenets of the religion, then belief in God, then belief in a purpose and reason for everything in life.  So finally we end up in the understanding that everything is totally random and pointless, which is a hard pill to swallow when you’ve spent most of your life believing in destiny and purpose.  I think that’s actually an advantage when you’re TTC though.  I know that the reason I’m not pregnant yet is pure biology – sperm simply hasn’t met egg.  It has nothing to do with being a parent being my destiny or not, or God wanting me to be a parent or not, or me being a sinner and not deserving it.  It’s just timing, much like meeting your mate.  So, for IUI #2 I am going to do everything I possibly can to make sure we for sure nailed the timing.  And then just sit and wait.

Still reveling in not having to take a crappy job.  Been formulating how to kindly decline the job via e-mail – but they may decline me first, so I will just wait.  Having happy visions of being at home with my baby and it doesn’t seem depressing or isolating to me.  I feel like I’ll really know that kid, the core of that kid, if I get to be with him/her all day and night.  I feel like my kid would be kind of a stranger if I only saw him/her a couple of hours a day and on weekends.  I also think I’ll enjoy the whole process; I’ll enjoy my time at home with a baby.  I mean, this is what it’s all about, right, parenting?  If I weren’t up for it then I shouldn’t be doing any of this.  And if I really do lose my mind I can then get a sitter and go out dancing or something.  But I really do look forward to the me-and-the-kid part.