Game changer

Literally minutes after publishing my last post, I receive an e-mail out of nowhere from my old job telling me one of their staff is leaving and the job is mine if I want it.  Quoi???

A little history – I worked for this company, which I’ll call The Lion, from 1993-1997, and then did part time consulting work for them from home from 2008-2010 until I was laid off last June.  This was my first “real” job in LA (or anywhere); looking at the dates and doing a little math, you can see I was barely 21 when I started working for them.  It was always a good company – nice people, pleasant environment, but the money wasn’t good enough so I left for a better opportunity in ’97; in 1999 I left that job to run my event full time, which is what I’ve done ever since.  So technically I haven’t been in the work force since the last century.  This job had called me to resume my part time consulting work when I was in India – but then when I returned told me it was off again due to new management.  And now this!  A friend pointed out last night that my history with this company is very much like a long, on again, off again romance.  I think that’s the best way to put it. 

My first reaction was that what I want is my part time work back, not a full time commitment – but I called my sister and she said I’d be crazy to not take a job offer in this economy, and she’s right.  The fact is, if this goes through the way I think it will, it will change everything.  And yes, it will change my baby plans, too.

How will it change my baby plans?  Well, my hope is it will make it more possible, because there will be more money, and hopefully kick ass benefits.  It will mean I won’t have to quit after just a couple more IUIs because I’m broke; it will mean if I decide to get aggressive now I can because I’ll be able to afford it.  The fact is, going as I’m going, there is a limit, and it is mostly defined by my self-employed, crappy HMO insurance limitations.  Sure, there are emotional limits, too, and I don’t want to discount those (I still give myself full, guilt-free permission to quit TTC if I discover it’s ruining my life).  However, money is freedom.  Money is options.  And this job will provide me both of those things, in a spectacular way.  If the salary is anything like I think it is, it will effectively double my current income.  I will be a two income household.

The one major downside is not being home.  One of the major reasons I thought it was a good idea to have a baby on my own is because I’m home all day.  The thought of having a baby and then having to put him/her in daycare all day makes me profoundly sad – it wasn’t what I wanted.  BUT women everywhere do this every day, especially single moms, especially single choice moms.  And I’m not convinced day care isn’t a good thing for kids, especially kids in my situation, who would otherwise only have me as a parent/playmate/influence.  We could get pretty isolated, just the two of us at home all day long.  I know when I was a kid I loved going to (whatever childcare I went to, whether it be at church, a friend’s, the YMCA, etc) because it meant getting to see my little friends and play with lots of fun toys (not to mention getting snacks like graham crackers with strawberry cake icing).  However, I do mourn this idea, the idea of being a totally independent stay at home mom. 

I am going to discuss the job Tuesday morning.  And I will for sure ask about flex time.  My understanding is the work force is way different now than it was in the 90s – in the last couple of years when I did go into that office I would find a lot of people absent, as in working from home or working odd hours to avoid traffic.  I will see how hard I can lobby for work at home time, or at least more than the standard two week vacation.  After all, I have no intention of discontinuing my business; I will need at least two weeks off for that every summer, plus the 8-10 trips across country on weekends I take with the band every year which usually involve leaving early Friday morning.  So, if they can work with this, I’m in.  If I have to be stuck there every day from 9 AM – 6 PM with no flexibility at all I may have to reconsider, and return to my current broke but free state.

Mostly I feel like this job might actually facilitate having a baby on my own.  I may find I get great benefits – or at least better than I currently have.  There may be child care, options to work from home during maternity leave, any number of things.  I will not tell them of my plans because after all there may be no baby, or not for a while.  But I will for sure look over that benefit package with a fine tooth comb.

For now I have allowed myself the fun of fantasizing.  Oh, all the things I could do with that money.  I could pay down my debt (which is considerable, from a real estate investment gone horribly wrong a couple of years ago), I could buy a new car (mine is on its last legs), I could pursue baby-ness any way I like, I could BREATHE.  My number one stressor is always fear about money.  The idea of taking this fear away is tremendous for me.

And you know what, it might just not hurt to get out and be among people every day.  I know I would obsess less and be less depressed.  I hate the idea of being owned; I hate the idea of being told what to do.  I take my autonomy very seriously, and am loath to give it up.  Also my event is in two months and the idea of starting a new full time job right now is a little stressful.  But I know I can do it – after all, I worked full time when I ran my first two events in 1998 and 1999 AND I was being sued during one of them.  But, as Bobbi Fleckman says in This is Spinal Tap, “money talks and bullshit walks.”  I need the money, and I need it bad.  Everything else is secondary, really. 

Went to Anthropolgie and bought a celebratory “office skirt”.  I figured that was less damaging than buying a cabin in Big Bear which is what I really wanted to do.

In other news, my ol’ friend CM showed up over the weekend, which means I will ovulate some time during the week and NOT on Mother’s Day as I had dreaded.  Most likely it’ll be Weds or Thurs; depending on the OPKs I may have to move that ultrasound appointment up.  Will start testing Tues.  Looking forward to this “try” at the moment.  Hopefully the job thing will have me so distracted I won’t be as obsessive as last time.