Fear and Loathing

Here are some thoughts from today's journal:

4/29/11  12:49 PM

Been having weird defeatist thoughts lately, which I suppose is natural considering the level of disappointment from last time, which took me by surprise.  After all, there’s no reason to assume try #2 won’t work.  It’s just as likely to work, or fail, than last time.  But every minute of every day I picture myself going in for the procedure and it just not working.  Of feeling all those crampy, twingy feelings again, enduring 10 days of progesterone suppositories greasily leeching out of me, walking around on egg shells with this weird feeling that something may be going on inside of me, not going in the hot tub, not drinking iced tea, going to the same CVS to the same cashier to buy the same early pregnancy test (and not trying to bury it with other non-essential purchases as I would have done as a young girl), only to get yet another negative result and go down yet another rabbit hole for a few days, and have to face the even worse unpleasantness of “Do I do this again at all?  Do I see an RE and spend thousands on injectables next time to up my chances?”  That’s what I’m really afraid of – the decision for #3.  The clinic advises getting more aggressive for #3, but I can of course ignore them and try naturally if I want.  But…isn’t it worth it to up your chances rather than continue on like this, which clearly isn’t working?  Ugh.  I don’t want to have to make this decision, yet every blog I read involves additional medication; nobody’s doing this naturally.  Do they all know something I don’t know…?

The worst thing about my current doubts is they’re so complex.  Because of course there’s a part of me that believes it will work otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it.  I do have moments of hope; in fact, I’ve been working on it.  I’ve been visualizing my little healthy red headed baby, and I admit it’s seeming more real to me, some times.  But the overriding feeling is no – this is too hard, it’s too much to ask, it’s too much of a crap shoot; by the time it could have happened for me I’ll be mentally and financially drained and will have stopped long before.  It all gets down to that defeatist thought of “I don’t believe good things can happen to me”.  This is trauma from a lifetime of rejection and failed relationships, I know.  I wish I could see a therapist about this; but now I’m afraid Kaiser will charge me $1000 for one ½ hour visit (until I meet my deductible of course).

I have to admit I did watch the royal wedding last night and the ¼ of me that’s pure Brit was completely enthralled and delighted by it.  But unlike most women watching Kate (or Catherine as we’re now supposed to call her) I wasn’t thinking “I wish it was me”.  I was thinking “Of course it’s her and not me.”  I feel that way about all weddings.  Of course it’s the other woman and not me – everyone gets to get married and have someone to take care of them except me.  Haven’t I figured this out yet?

I am going to read “Knock Yourself Up” again because I am completely amazed now that the author tried ICI at home FOURTEEN TIMES before conceiving her son, and this all in her 40s.  Now that I know more about the whole process, I wonder how she felt this was the best path – my clinic strongly advised against at-home ICI, saying the odds were so low of success that it’s pretty much not worth doing, especially when the sperm vials are around $500 + the cost of shipping, washing, all the other prep work.  Still I always liked the idea of the DIY method, and yesterday even thought if repeated IUIs don’t succeed I might give myself a couple of shots of doing it on my own terms at home, since I know now that it’s not a biological problem with me and I really don’t need medication, I just need to beat the numbers game.  I certainly know how to chart my own ovulation accurately and am capable of shooting a syringe in my v-jay.  The only problem is it’s really not that much cheaper than doing an in-office IUI; I mean, $500 or $600 vs. $880 – not that much of a savings.  But I guess I’m glad it’s out there as an option.

I hope I get more hopeful as next week comes on – after all, next week is the fun part of charting the oncoming ovulation, then the ultrasound on Thurs, and then (if all looks good) proceeding over the weekend.  And I promise I will think positive thoughts at that time, even though I know what I’m thinking has nothing to do with sperm meeting egg.  But I’m entitled to a little hope, I guess.