Wouldn't it be cool if...

Since there’s so much “what if” going on for me right now, I thought I would harken back to a thought I had a few weeks ago.  Which is, why do things have to be so uncertain?  Why do things have to be so hidden inside people so that by the time you see the truth it’s too late?  So I thought – wouldn’t it be great if, for example, you could just look at someone and see what their inner life is?  Wouldn’t it be great if you could tell if a man is emotionally unavailable just by looking at face?  As in, his face turns bright blue or something?

I’ve been thinking about my last “relationship” and how I had no idea about his true self until I’d spent enough time around him, observed him, and heard him tell me his back story.  But it wasn’t until I started to get an “off” feeling and then recounted some incidents to my sister that it all came together for me.  Right away she said, “Oh my God, you’re dating our mother!”  And that was it, the relationship was officially over.  See, now, if he’d had a bright blue face (in this case not representing emotional unavailability but big-fat-loser-y-ness) I never would have gotten my hopes up, never would have dated him at all.  In fact, never would have dated any of the people I dated.

But then again, where’s the fun in that?  So much of life is our relationships and what we learn about human nature from them.  Would I be better off if I’d never dated ANYONE?  Of course not.  So I guess I’m glad I had those experiences.  But many times it would have been nice to know what I was getting into.

I remember X, who was the first really mature, “dad” like guy I dated (he was my age, though).  He was a grown up who owned a house, had been married, had a great job.  He wore suits.  He took me out to nice places.  Most importantly, he actually called me for dates, which almost no one ever did (I met him online, and 99% of my hundreds of dates never made it past one meeting).  He was such a departure from my usual flaky artist type that I thought hey, maybe this is the missing ingredient – maybe this one will work because I’ve finally matured and gotten interested in a real grown up man, not these perpetual adolescent metrosexual types.  But over the course of our few dates there were red flags.  He seemed somewhat dismissive of my work – I think he thought it was silly.  I got the distinct impression that he was really lonely in his tiny little house with four cats and wasn’t really over his divorce.  And the big one that was an issue with everyone I dated in the last ten years – he didn’t want to sleep with me.  There was always an excuse – having to get up early, needing to help someone move, etc etc.  At one point I protested, “but I shaved my legs!”  Ah, to no avail.  In the end it just tapered off, ending with him giving me the ol’ “this isn’t working out” phone call.  And I’m proud of myself that I answered back, “I don’t mean this to sound punitive, but you’re emotionally unavailable.”  He answered yes, he knew he was.  I begged him not to waste anyone else’s time until he figured himself out.  He said he would.  That night he was back online looking for more women.

I do consider that guy a total waste of time.  And again, had his face been bright blue, I would have run screaming for the hills.

Now I am officially “retired” from dating.  Honestly, eight years of constant online dating (and dating a few I met naturally) was the most frustrating, infuriating, miserable, pointless experience of my life.  So it is with great joy that I hang up my dating hat and (attempt to) put on the single mom hat.  As mentioned earlier I kind of have no intention of dating ever again.  I mean, hey, I’m open to the idea, but that’s just not my focus and I really don’t care whether I ever meet a great guy or not.  Don’t care. 

So I have released the uncertainty and lack of control the dating world offers for the uncertainty and lack of control the “TTC” world offers.  I wonder about every cramp, every twinge, every “not like myself” feeling.  Even though I know none of these things can possibly mean anything – it’s way too early.  My plan of action is now to take an early test on Tuesday; if it’s negative then have a blood test at the clinic next Thurs.  I am assuming at 12 dpo that a blood test couldn’t possibly come up with a false negative (will check on this though).  Then if negative I can stop the progesterone so it doesn’t delay my period, head out to Vegas and dance my butt off all weekend without having to be careful.  And in two weeks try again.

And here I sit four days into my two week wait, uncertain, no control.  If only MY face could turn bright blue to confirm pregnancy.  That would be awesome.