Thoughts on quitting

Here are some thoughts from today's journal:

4/22/11  12:16 PM

Wondered if I would feel any differently today.  I don’t.  I have to tell you, I am seriously considering quitting.

That’s not to say I won’t give it one more shot; I probably will.  Although I’ll tell you one thing – I’m taking Tylenol this time, because I don’t want to endure three days of excruciating cramps. 

I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling without giving the distinct impression that I’m still just recovering from being disappointed.  Because I believe it really is more than that.  After all, I expected to be disappointed – I didn’t expect this time to work, I expected this to be a long road and for there to be a lot of dark moments.  But I’m really just questioning the whole thing.  Why, exactly, am I doing this?  Will this really make my life better?  Would I be better off as I am, with no kids?  Do I really want to endure pregnancy, birth, and motherhood all alone with no help? 

Yesterday I felt like a great fog had lifted when I started considering the possibility of just stopping.  The idea of not having to do any of this any more was so freeing that it really made me wonder if I wanted to do it at all.  If stopping made me feel that great, should I continue?  Right now when I think of going in for that next IUI it doesn’t really appeal to me – and for sure another two week wait makes me cringe with horror.  And all just to spend another $1000 and more than likely get the same results.  Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results???

I think what happened is X and I broke up, Bertie died, and I felt so totally out of control that I came up with this plan to wrest control back into my life.  And guess what?  It turns out this whole thing – this trying to get pregnant on your own by artificial means – is the single most crazy, out of control thing there is on earth.  So except for the day I went in for the IUI, the whole rest of it has been infinitely more crazy-making and depressing than just about anything else I’ve done in my life.  I think it was a logical decision at the time; it certainly made sense for my age and position in life.  But I do feel like a fog has lifted now and a great deal of my resolve has passed – suddenly, I kind of don’t really care about being a mother anymore.  It just doesn’t seem so god damned important.

I know you’re thinking, “oh, she’s just recovering from the disappointment,” or  “oh, she’s just saying that so she won’t care so much next time if it doesn’t work out.”  But I really don’t think so, not right now.  Because right now I’m not 100% there is even going to be a next time.  Luckily I have a couple of weeks to think about it, and as always I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.  But my resolve has been chipped away.  I kind of don’t care anymore, and that worries me.

The main point of worry is when I saw that negative pee stick and felt relief.  Why on earth would I feel relief at the failure of something I wanted so badly?  I am still puzzling over this.  I just thought at the time, thank God I don’t have to worry about a miscarriage, I don’t have to endure sickness and pregnancy, I don’t have to give birth, I don’t have to have my life turned upside down.  Are these the thoughts of someone who’s ready for parenthood?

There is the unpleasant fact that apart from having company and that continuance which once seemed so important, suddenly it seems like everything about having a kid would be pretty negative.  I would be always broke, always stressed out about child care, have to give up a lot of things I enjoy, and be in a really bad position if the camp ever suffered and I had to try to find work.  Really?  Do I really want all this?  Nothing has even happened yet and already it’s made me the most miserable I’ve been in years.  And I haven’t even had a miscarriage, been put on bed rest, had a sick baby or a child with special needs.  Am I really up for the challenge of all that?  Is my life that empty that I need to fill it with another person?  I’ve got to tell you I am seriously questioning everything right now.  I’m questioning if this all wasn’t just a reaction to grief and I need to stop it before I ruin my life.