Picture yourself...

Here are some comments from today’s journal:

4/27/11  11:58 AM

Had a hard time waking up today.  Watched a frustrating German movie last night about a relationship.  It’s one of those typical European “lovers on vacation” movies where there’s this horrible tension and sense of doom throughout, which makes you think one of these people is going to end up dead or they’ll have a horrible break up or something…no.  All that happens in this movie is the girl out of nowhere says “I don’t love you anymore” and decides she’s leaving; then bizarrely sits down on the floor and collapses on her side, and stays like that for hours, making her boyfriend (and us) wonder – is she dead?  Is she playing?  Is she sick?  But no, hours later the boyfriend starts blowing on her belly and she laughs, and that’s the end of the movie.  Huh?

Been thinking lately about the nature of relationships and codependency.  My theory is that your parenting & childhood often has very little to do with how you as a woman relate to a man.  I think it’s just chalked up to low self-esteem; isn’t it always the smart, educated, talented, beautiful women who think they’re a piece of crap, whereas the fat ghetto girls with nothing going for them think they’re the shit.  It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?  I mean, I freely admit I was super codependent at one time, but again, it was a long time ago, and I think that “lawd don’t leave me” thing is pretty normal for teenagers and girls in their early 20s.  It’s all hormones.  But I certainly don’t feel that way anymore.  I can’t imagine a man coming into my life at this point that would be so amazing I’d want to die if he left me – I mean, what’s so great about him? He probably can’t get it up half the time, has thinning hair, plays video games all day on the weekends, spends his money irresponsibly on a bunch of adolescent bullshit.  What’s so great about that?  Most men are nothing but a liability.  I mean, sure it’s nice to have a date on Friday night, but come on.

It’s so hard to tell a woman who really wants to be married and have kids that she’s better off on her own – I mean, no woman wants to hear that.  No movie ends with the woman just walking off into the sunset by herself (although many movies end with men doing this).  Are we just conditioned to think our lives are supposed to end with us pairing off?  Or are we hard wired for this and then the media just picked up on it?  And yet it’s not at all what happens in real life.  Most people are in relationships, sure, but are they good for the people in them?  I believe many people would be better off by themselves – well, the men wouldn’t, because as married men they have a free maid, cook, and prostitute; they have a free pit crew so they can function in the work force.  But most women subjugate their dreams to be with a man.  This is simply a fact of life. 

That’s another funny thing, the last couple of days I’ve been sitting here picturing myself pregnant and I just can’t picture it.  And this has always been the case by the way, even before the failed IUI.  I guess it’s hard picturing things that have never been.  Like, I can’t picture myself married, or old, or working in the corporate world, or living in another country.  You just don’t know what it’s going to be like until you get there.  And then it’s too late, ha ha! 

Spring is finally here and for the first time I’m able to sleep with the window open, which makes everything feel different.  Cool breezes running through the house, the sounds of the birds and wind – everything feels strange and new.  Every minute I ask myself how would you feel if you were pregnant right now, how different it would be if I had a real due date, a real plan for the next few months, years, the rest of my life, instead of the sort of “well, I don’t know” thing I have going right now.  Personally I can’t imagine it; there’s a big part of me that believes this is just never going to work, that I’ll never be so blessed, that I’ll just go on like this forever, in this house, alone, running my event.  And again, this isn’t so terrible – it’s certainly familiar; it’s how I’ve lived since I was 29.  I just can’t imagine change will happen for me.  I don’t want to jinx it, yet at the same time I know my thoughts mean nothing; I can sit here all I want and say “it’s never going to work, I’m never going to be lucky enough to have my own kid,” but the fact is, I probably will – it’s all up to me.  I could put a round of IVF on my credit card right now and cut to the chase and probably succeed; or I could spend myself into the poor house on IUI after IUI, medications, etc...and succeed.   

Yesterday’s lab results really changed everything – I know now I’m not too old, that everything is A-ok in my body (something I doubted before).  So yes, it is possible, and very possible, actually.  Yet I still can’t picture it.  I think I doubt anything that good could ever happen to me, I’ll be honest.  So few things ever do (well, to anyone, really).  I just can’t believe I’d be so blessed as to have a happy, healthy little red headed baby.  It seems too wonderful to be possible for me.  I feel like when (or if) I do see that positive pregnancy test I’m just going to be totally overwhelmed with joy; I won’t even be able to believe it.