So I’ve been sitting here reading blogs and journaling, even did a video journal which I do from time to time whenever something major happens like today. It’s all helped me to crystallize some thoughts I thought I’d share now.
As mentioned the current plan is to try once more au naturel and then maybe see an RE and see about medications for try #3 and think about going that route. But I’ll tell you something. If it gets to the point where it still isn’t working and nobody can tell me a good enough reason, I’m going to stop.
I first thought about stopping entirely when I was writing in my journal, and even just saying the words – even admitting this was an option for me – was immensely freeing. It felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders. You mean I don’t have to be tortured physically and emotionally anymore? I don’t have to gasp every time I get my credit card bill? I can get back to my life - I can just STOP? Right now it sounds wonderful.
And of course I’m in a weird place right now because I’m disappointed and am on progesterone and who knows what that’s doing to me. I give myself all the freedom in the world to change my mind at any time.
But I am shocked – and I mean shocked – by how hard this has been, and what a massive emotional toll this has taken on me ALREADY. I don’t ever want to have a day like yesterday EVER AGAIN – but if I stay with this for a long time, I will have many more days like that, and worse. And again, all with zero guarantee of any results at all. You know what this is starting to feel like? It’s starting to feel like dating. And I promised myself I would never allow something to drag me into the pit of hell the way my awful dating experiences did. And yet here I am. It makes me wonder why I’m willing to do this to myself and is it worth it. This experience has made me miserable, crazy, and it’s sucked all the joy out of my life.
In the end, it’s my life. Oh, I’m willing to keep going for now because there’s no reason not to. But the number one priority in my life right now is ME. And I’m not doing so hot, and I need to take care of myself. And putting myself through this is not taking care of myself. I feel like I’m being beaten up and abused. And why should I allow that?
I started into this thing back in November thinking it would be fun and interesting. I knew even then it probably wouldn’t be a slam dunk at my age – I knew there’d be hard times ahead, more than likely, and surely it would take more than one try. But I thought there’d be some redeeming moments; I thought it would feel like it’s worth it at least. Right now it’s not feeling worth it. The last two weeks haven’t felt worth it; they were hell, and only got worse as the days progressed. God, how am I going to feel next month, going through all this a second time? Not better, I guarantee you. I imagine it’s going to be worse. Even thinking about it makes me want to go in a corner and cry, having to go through all this again, with already one failure behind me. Honestly, right now I don’t want to do it.
I want my life back. I want my sanity back. I want to be able to focus on my business. I want to enjoy time out with friends. I want to plan a trip. I want to feel good again. I felt good before all this started. What the hell was I thinking?
For now I am going to go sit in the hot tub and boil my ovaries because I can. If I drank I’d have a drink. But something tells me now is not the best time to start drinking.
Strange as it sounds, the first BFN is the worst, especially if you are the type of gal who has always worked hard and succeeded after planning something. That's how I've felt at least. I hit my stride at some point and my determination has fueled me pretty far. Support is key too and as a new blogger myself I've found the IF blogging community to be life saving.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the first BFN being really hard due to the fact that something you had planned and worked for didn't turn out right.
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