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Here are some excerpts from today’s journal.  

4/14/11

Because my body now feels normal, I’ve found there are moments when I forget what just happened.  Last night in front of the TV I felt like my old self, and then had those lovely adrenaline shock moments of, “Oh my God, I get to test in just a few days!  I may be pregnant!”  But because the cramping/twingyness is over, I also have become more and more convinced that it didn’t work.  My opinion means nothing, I know, but this is just where I’m at.

Still obsessing on missed timing, still worried about infertility, or the unpleasantness of $3000 of failed tries behind me, months gone by, 39 years old, and having to start all over again at square one getting my Day 3 labs done.  This prospect is so horrifying to me it makes me want to cry…but then I remember that if this is what’s in store for me I just have to suck it up and go with it.  I mean, what am I going to do, quit?

As noted I’ve let go of the “it has to happen in this time frame” thing for the most part – sure, some months are more ideal than others and offer more opportunities for fun “reveal” stories, but at this point, any old time is fine with me!

Had another “empowering” thought today.  So as we know there is a 1 in 4 chance that this IUI worked, and next time another 1 in 4 chance, which, if you look at a strata of women and not just me trying twice, means after two tries 50% of the women who set out to actually meet this goal succeed, which to me is pretty darned good.  Also the 3^rd try is 10% and the 4^th is 25% again, so after four tries, 85% of the women who set out to achieve pregnancy, have.  Those are fantastic odds, if you ask me.  Now, let’s look for a moment at my dating life.  I had easily 300 first dates over an eight year period, including a couple of people I met on my own (not online).  Of those, maybe 2% resulted in a second date, 1% three or more dates, and 0% a relationship.  So to compare this with trying to get pregnant via IUI, this would be over 300 IUIs with a 0% success rate.  And I survived that hideous nightmare of getting my hopes up, dressing up cute, and being constantly rejected and disappointed, without even the prize of motherhood at the end.  SURELY I can survive a few more IUIs if I need to!!!