You just haven't earned it yet, baby

Today is Day 10 DPO so I allowed myself the luxury of taking an early pregnancy test just for entertainment purposes.  Not surprisingly, it was negative.  This doesn’t mean I’m not pregnant.  However, I am pretty convinced I’m not pregnant.  And this isn’t surprising.

What is surprising is my initial reaction.  Now, remember it was about 7 AM and I was half asleep, and definitely mentally exhausted from ten days of anxiety about this moment.  Originally I had planned to videotape myself taking the test, but then saw another blog post referencing a news story about women posting every second of their pregnancies online (and yes, you tube-ing videos of themselves taking a pregnancy test), and somehow the idea seemed less original and it made me not want to do it.  Also I had that fear of failure – what if this is, like, the first of 20 pregnancy tests I end up taking over months or years, how stupid am I going to feel?  So I nixed the video idea.  And it came up a resounding, undeniable negative.  But oddly I felt kind of relieved when it was negative.  Why on earth would I be relieved to NOT get something I’m putting so much time, money, and emotional energy into?  I’ve been trying to figure this out for the last few hours.

I think at first I was relieved because it meant nothing would change.  It meant I could continue on in the land of the familiar – me, my dog, my friends, my activities, my business.  Sure, no kid and no relationship, but I’ve lived that way nearly 39 years; I’m used to it.  I don’t have to spend the next few weeks terrified of a miscarriage, analyzing every twinge, every cramp, every spot in my underwear.  I don’t have to be sick to my stomach for weeks; I don’t have to endure labor.  After ten days of thinking I may have a little visitor, I now know (well, almost for sure know) that my body is my own again.  I can drink caffeine, I can sit in the hot tub.  I can dance my butt off this weekend in Vegas and not worry about falling or overdoing it.

But there’s also a part of me that really feels I just haven’t earned it yet (I had that Smiths song in my head as I sat there staring at the negative test – you just haven’t earned it yet, baby, you must suffer and cry for a longer time).  Sure, I had that infertility scare last month and that sucked, but compared to what so many women go through – can you imagine if I just got knocked up off one IUI?  That almost never happens; it would be pretty much a miracle, actually.  There’s that deep, self-punishing part of me (no doubt remnants of my old Christianity) that really feels I need to suffer some more.  I need the roller coasters, I need the failures.  I need to want it so bad I can taste it.  And I do, I do want it bad.  But maybe not bad enough, yet.

There’s also a part that, I’ll admit it, kind of enjoys the ovulation drama.  For someone as technical as I am, I get a huge kick out of monitoring my body.  I’m someone who weighs myself several times a day on my digital scale.  It’s not that I’m obsessed with my weight – it’s that I find it interesting.  I drank a glass of water and gained a half a pound.  I peed and lost one pound.  I woke up two pounds lighter than I went to bed last night.  It’s interesting!  And so is the two week period before ovulation – watching for the signs, temping, checking your body, taking the OPKs.  In the first half of your cycle there’s never a dull moment.  And the last IUI was so amazingly empowering that I kind of look forward to doing it again (well, except for the three days of excruciating cramps – I could do without that).  And this time, dammit, I’ll make sure the OPK is positive.  I’m still convinced I ovulated on Monday and not Saturday.

The ugly part of this IUI not working is the worry of why it didn’t work, and how many more I will do before I’ll start to wonder if I’m back in Infertility Land.  The clinic typically does three IUIs before they suggest you get outside help.  If only it were all free it would make it a lot easier.  But it’s not free, far from it, and pinpointing ovulation is nearly impossible, despite all the tools at our disposal.  So it largely is just an issue of timing.  I wish my ovulation would happen on week days so I could get an ultrasound every time to see if an egg actually left the ovary (they can see this by evidence of rupture and fluids) – but if I stay on schedule I will likely continue to ovulate on Saturdays or Sundays when they don’t do ultrasounds.  After all, there’s no telling for sure that I’m actually ovulating, it just “looks like” I am.  This could still be an issue until I see actual evidence that it happened.

Originally my plan was to take a blood test at the clinic on Thurs or Fri to see for sure if I am pregnant or not and then stop the progesterone so my period can show up.  However right now I’m feeling a little reckless…I think I may stop the progesterone now so as not to jeopardize my next cycle (progesterone can delay or stop your period entirely), take another test on Thurs or Fri at home, and of course if it’s positive get back on it.  The period is due Friday and I’d like to keep on that schedule if possible; most people online say it takes a few days for the progesterone to get out of your system and then you get your period, so I think it’s best to stop taking it now.  And save myself the trouble, expense, and pain of another blood test.  Let’s just go forward assuming I’m not pregnant and take things from there.  

3:45 PM - Update: so I broke down and called the clinic to get their opinion and they said the blood test is accurate as early as 8 dpo (good to know for next time!) so I am going in tomorrow, plunking down $50 and getting the test.  Results will be in Thurs.  Then I can stop the progesterone and get on with my weekend, and my next cycle, with no doubts.  Feel better about this (even though again I wish all of this were free).