Ultrasound results

So today I had an ultrasound because I had my positive surge on the OPK this morning.  The Ultrasound Lady had said on the phone that she didn’t think I needed an u/s because I had the positive test, and everything was fine last month (except for that BFN), but I insisted.  And guess what?  It’s a good thing I insisted, because I’m not ovulating.

She brought in the other lady (the one I did the initial consult with) for a second opinion. And they really didn’t know what to tell me except that the follicles were way too small, and yet they don’t think they missed it, either, since there was no evidence of rupture.  Remember, this is the ovary (the left) that I didn’t ovulate from in March (according to them).  The lining was good at 9 mm.   

So none of us know what to make of this.  They asked me to come back on Friday to do another ultrasound to see if they grow, but at this rate, they say, it would be at least Monday before they’d be the proper size, and that just doesn’t sound right, especially when I had the surge today and the CM last Saturday.

One theory they have for me is that I might be a crazy early ovulator.  This would make sense only in the idea of the CM appearance and various other non-specific signs; however, this wouldn’t make sense for when I get the LH surge and temperature dip; also if I did ovulate earlier than I think I am, this would mean a crazy long luteal phase, which doesn’t make sense. 

I think it’s far more likely that the left ovary just doesn’t ovulate.  Which is pretty annoying when you consider it gives all the hormonal signs of ovulating so there’s no way you’d know this if you didn’t get in there and look.  But it makes me question everything now – so, did I actually ovulate last month, either?  Remember, Ultrasound Lady never got a measurement on the right ovary last month; we rooted and rooted around for it, and she saw follicle activity, but never measured it, and so didn’t charge me for the u/s.  Today she insisted she got a measurement and did charge me, but I know for a fact she didn’t (I didn’t know if she was just covering up in front of her boss the fact that she didn’t charge me).  So it’s entirely, heartbreakingly possible that last month was a total waste of time – that we’re back to where I was in March, in that I’m not ovulating at all, from any ovary.

Now the good news is both ovaries look big (when they’re supposed to) and healthy; the lining is good, and we know my labs are good.  Consult Lady said in her years of experience there’s always those women who fall outside the norm – women who ovulate at crazy times, who can’t use OPKs because they give false positives, all sorts of situations.  But she did say I should really see an RE at this point because there are clearly problems, and they don’t want to wait cycle after cycle at my age (after all, if we’re just going to assume left ovary isn’t working, then I have to sit out every other cycle).  I am tempted to make an appt with an RE right now, but I guess I should see what happens Friday.  But I think I know what’s going to happen – they’ll see no movement on the follicles, or shrinkage.  In which case, May is officially out.

I’m heartbroken of course.  I want to cry.  Especially because I feel like the hope I had for last month was most likely a betrayal – it was all for nothing; all that money, all that waiting, was for nothing, because there was no way it was going to work.  Either the timing was drastically off or there was no egg or a poor quality egg.  I was sitting there picturing all this miraculous activity going on, when actually nothing was happening – the sperm were all dying off and that was it. 

I guess all I can do now is wait for Friday and see what happens.  There is a big part of me that still insists I ovulated on Monday and not Saturday last month, and that this month may follow the same pattern – positive OPK way too early, and then ovulation later than anyone thought.  Maybe I’ll just stick with this little fantasy for now and see what the ultrasound shows Friday.  If nothing good, then I’m in the hell of seeing an RE and possibly going down that dark road of costly & painful injections, all kinds of stuff that scares the crap out of me.  Ugh.  Not what I wanted to hear today!!!