Two

So, guess what?  I had IUI #2 today at 4 PM.

Went in at 2:30 for the “just in case” ultrasound and they said, “it’s happening right now!!!”  Not that they can actually see an egg rupturing, as you know, but they can tell by fluids & appearance of follicles, especially when they have the previous day to compare to.  So they told me to come back in an hour and a half and we went for it!

I filled that in between time by going to Target and buying a new doormat (dog got diarrhea all over the old one yesterday), water filter (the one I bought a few weeks ago keeps popping off the faucet and spraying water all over the kitchen), some Tylenol (be damned if I’m going to have harsh menstrual-like cramps for three days like I did last time), some Luna Bars and hair gel.  Was tempted to stop by the baby section and buy myself a little good luck charm – a cute onesie or something – but just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I’ll admit it.  I’m afraid to be hopeful.

I am trying very, very hard to be in the moment, honor this moment, and be happy.  And I am.  Oh, I am very grateful that for once everything went my way and I was able to try today, rather than the horror of being told, “you didn’t respond to the Femara, you’re going to have to look into other options,” or, “oops!  We missed it, sit out thirty days and try again later.”  Any number of things like this could have happened, but they didn’t.  And unlike April we saw not only a giant follicle but evidence that it had ruptured.  So, short of a non-viable egg, there is absolutely no way this time could fail.

But hope is hard.  Because all of this stuff is such a crap shoot, and I really want to avoid the pit of despair I fell into last time after it didn’t work.  The good news is the clinic confirmed for me that yes, I can continue with the Femara a few more cycles (whoopee!) and not have to move on to injectables; they also said I can use the extra progesterone to delay the next cycle if need be (although it may not actually delay the next cycle, it’s worth a shot so the whole summer doesn’t get flushed down the toilet).  So at least there’s a plan in place in case of failure, and it’s a plan I like and not a scary one.

How is this time different?  Well, for one thing not knowing we’d go today kind of changed the expectations, because I wasn’t prepared for it; originally it was supposed to be tomorrow AM.  BTW, we did the trigger shot last night (thanks again for your help, you know who you are!) and it was SO not a big deal that I felt silly for all the fears I’d had – I barely even felt it, and so far have had no side effects at all.  After yesterday’s ultrasound I had all kinds of cramps/twinges which made me worry I was ovulating right then; apparently it was actually starting without the shot.  I don’t believe I had those kind of feelings when I was younger and not on birth control, which makes me wonder, maybe I NEVER ovulated before, not in my entire life.  Interesting, huh?

So I don’t feel the weight of last time, which is ironic, considering the fact that last time was guaranteed to fail (although I didn’t know it then) and this time has an excellent shot of actually working.  Maybe it just gets down to having already done it once.  I guess everyone remembers the first time they had sex, but who remembers the second time?

For now I’m going to try to let myself be hopeful and happy.  No reason not to be.

One ritual-type thing I tend to do is have soundtracks for things.  So the soundtrack for the first IUI was Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks”.  This time it was Wreckless Eric’s “Whole Wide World.”  It’s a song about a quest for “someone”, which seemed appropriate.  Some of the lyrics I thought were apropo:

I should be lying on that sun-soaked beach with her
Caressing her warm brown skin
And then in a year or maybe not quite
We'll be sharing the same next of kin

I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Just to find her
I'd go the whole wide world
I'd go the whole wide world
Find out where they hide her