Chicken make lousy house pet

Not much to report today, but thought I should check in.  Had some high anxiety this weekend, probably because I incorrectly thought leaving my schedule open would be good for me – but it just left me to sit and stew.  At a wedding shower yesterday the book club ladies and I were talking about all this TTC stuff and I was mentioning how surprised I was by my intense reaction to the failure of IUI #1, and a friend in her second trimester said something I’ve come to realize is true – that all of this TTC stuff comes from somewhere else.  It’s not logical, it’s not rational.  So to be completely gutted by the failure of a pregnancy attempt, even when logically you know the odds are not on your side and you can keep trying so it’s really no big deal, is actually pretty normal.  I often liken it to the way my chickens behave (yes, I have chickens).  I’ve watched as one chicken lays an egg in her little box, and the other chicken stands outside looking at the laying hen, and emits noises than can only be interpreted as “crying”.  I’ve googled this and other chicken owners have mentioned this phenomenon.  Even chickens are jealous when other chickens have babies and they don’t.  How far removed are we women from the basic impulses that drive these chickens?  Not that far, apparently!

On that note, and I have been trying to think of the proper way to say this so as to a) not make it all about me, and b) not make people feel bad – one of the things that got me going this weekend was the sudden spate of BFNs among all my favorite bloggers in the last week.  With everyone testing at the same time I thought for sure one or two would come up positive…but no.  BFNs all around.  Which made me immensely sad for the women involved (I feel like I know you all, of course, and hope you feel the same way about me!), and also made me less optimistic about my own chances this time.  One gal noted she’s now spent $30,000 on many failed IUIs and one IVF attempt and still nothing.  This scares the crap out of me, and makes me rail against the universe.  It’s so unfair!  All these ladies want is a chance to be a mom.  Is that too much to ask?  Can’t you freakin’ throw a bone to one of these ladies, please?  It’s so nuts. 

In the meantime, this week is my price increase week, which means non-stop work.  In fact, the next six weeks is going to be nothing but non-stop work for me (my event is mid-July) which is a blessing and a curse.  There are actually long stretches of time during which I completely forget I may be pregnant right now.  I am busy ordering blank T shirts to be imprinted, scheduling bands, and dealing with customer service issues.  I have two more band trips before my event, one coming up this weekend.  I went ahead and booked my own room at the hotel since I was meant to be sharing a room with three other people, and what with greasy progesterone supplements leeching out of me as I sleep and possibly taking pregnancy tests, plus my need for rest and quiet, I decided it was worth the expense to have some privacy.

How am I feeling?  Oh, fine.  This IUI had almost no cramping at all, which as you know is a good thing and a bad thing, because when you feel all normal it makes you think it’s not working, whereas when you feel all weird you think something is happening.  Perhaps the lack of cramping is because my uterus is now used to being poked on a regular basis.  I have been taking lots of naps, but I chalk this up to the progesterone, the elevated stress due to my event, and my insisting on nap time as a way to get through my day.  As you know even if I were pregnant now it’s WAY too early to have any symptoms – nothing will even implant until the end of the week, so technically I’m not pregnant now no matter what.

Still have no idea about a protocol for testing.  At the moment I’m leaning against doing a blood test because I just can’t stand this being in someone else’s hands – I can’t handle waiting for the phone call, I just can’t.  That was a miserable experience last time.  And since this time it’s in my best interests to delay my next cycle by continuing to take progesterone for a few days longer than usual, then there’s no rush to find out “for sure” like last time.  Now, will I be able to keep to this after Day 14po rolls around?  I don’t know.  Right now I’m calm as a cucumber but I know from experience that starts to evaporate at about 9 dpo.  I do plan on doing the hpt challenge – testing on Wednesday to see if the hcg shot is still in my system, just for fun.  If it is, then I know I need to keep testing every other day or so to see if it’s gone or not; if it isn’t, then I know any test after that is accurate.  Nobody seems to have an answer as to do the tests stay positive or do they go negative and then positive – I guess it depends.  I don’t know.  I won’t worry about it until the time comes.  For now, I’ve got shit to do!