Fortunately I have been under such a flood of work the last two days that I have not had much time to contemplate what may or may not be going on in my uterus. My event is six weeks away, the price break is six days away, and all hell is breaking loose. Honestly, as much as it stresses me out, I’m glad – I’m going to need all the distraction I can get the next two weeks – and beyond!
Had a VERY uncomfortable conversation with my co-bandleader today. We have been booked for a New Year’s gig on the east coast which is very high profile and very important. I would love to go – but I doubt I’m going to be able to make it if I’m 7-8 months’ pregnant. So the guy in charge e-mailed me saying he wants to announce we’re playing right now, so this is my last chance to negotiate/back out (he of course has no idea what I’m going through, but I’ve been very wishy-washy with him for obvious reasons). I figured the first thing I needed to do was make sure the gig could go on without me, so I called my co-bandleader to ask if he’d be willing to do it with another singer or no singer, “just in case”. The rest of the conversation went like this:
“Yeah, I mean, we can play without you, but why? Why wouldn’t you be able to make it?”
“Well, I probably will be able to make it, but just in case something comes up…”
“What, like holiday plans? I mean, can’t you plan around that?”
“Yes, but you know, just in case something happens between now and then.”
“What could possibly happen between now and then? Do you just not want to do this gig or something? Is there something I should know about?”
“No, it’s not the gig, it’s just…stuff might happen…”
“Well, are you ok?”
“Yeah, I’m ok.”
“Well, I can tell you don’t want to talk about this right now, so…”
Ugh! It was excruciating, and I’m still full of uncomfortable feelings about this. Why not just tell him? I have to be honest, I’m on the brink. But it still gets back to my original intent in not telling certain people – this person alone will be most negatively affected by my having a child, from now on. The possibility alone will stress him out, and why stress someone out when none of this may ever happen, or certainly not soon enough to jeopardize this particular gig (after all, if this month doesn’t work but next does, I may still be able to make it – anything after that and I’ll be fine). And I just plain don’t want people knowing. I want to tell everyone when I have actually achieved a pregnancy, when it’s far enough along that I don’t have to couch the news with a “only if this one makes it”, when it can be a joyful thing and not a stressed-out “this might not work now, or ever, or even if I do get pregnant I may miscarry over and over again, who knows…” I mean, that’s not fun!!! I don’t even want to think that, much less say it out loud to someone else.
I keep reminding myself that this guy has a lot on his plate and I’m sure the last thing he’s thinking about right now is, “What’s wrong with her? Is she sick, is she ok?” I’m sure he’s forgotten this conversation already. But it’s bugging me a lot. I wish I could just tell everyone and have everyone pulling for me. But I don’t know what awaits me on this “journey” and I don’t know how I’m going to feel…about anything. And apart from the few friends who know and broadcasting every detail here anonymously, I really, REALLY don’t want people to know about this until it’s for sure a done deal. Until I can say, “this is one doodle that can’t be un-did, home skillet.”
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