Wipe, wipe, Google, Google

I was trying to think of a way to sum up this super-early pregnancy experience, and I think the above words are pretty much it. 

After much wiping and googling today I finally decided to call the Kaiser help line and ask them what I should do at this point, rather than filling out an online form for an appointment.  The lady told me to come to the Sunset facility and tell them I had a positive pregnancy test and they would have me take another, fill out paperwork, and get set up for my first appointment.  So I did.  This is what it was like:

The rather bored-looking nurse started in on her “spiel” that I could tell she had probably done a thousand times, all about stuff I know already like the importance of pre-natals, etc.  I was particularly creeped out that she had to ask if I planned on continuing or terminating the pregnancy.  “Continuing, continuing!” I said, trying not to sound shrill.  Can you imagine? 

Then they had me watch this oh-so-fun ten minute video about options for genetic screening and tests for birth defects, which almost made me cry when at the end they again mentioned “terminating the pregnancy” if that’s your choice.  Umm…can we not talk about abortion right now???  Kind of freaking me out.

So I did another urine test and they showed me the lines, which were very faint.  A friend assured me that she did the same thing at Kaiser, farther along than me, and she also had faint lines.  I said to the nurse, “So, I guess I’m still pregnant?  It’s not going away?” and she just kind of looked at me.  Luckily as I left she did offer me a “Congratulations.”  It’s amazing, the power of that word.  I SO need to hear it, even from a stranger, even from someone who sees this every day and is bored as crap about it.  I hope despite all the situations these gals see every day they sometimes remember what an amazing blessing and miracle a pregnancy is to someone like me.

And then on to the paperwork.  Creepy!  So I have to answer questions about the baby’s father (can’t I just say N/A?), whether or not I’ve done crank in the last two weeks, if I would rather die than have a blood transfusion, and if I’ve thought about killing myself recently.  It kind of reminds me when I first learned to drive in California and the booklet I got from the state about how to apply for a license had a paragraph in it about providing a thumb print, “or a finger print if you have no thumbs.”  Should someone really be licensed to drive in California if they have no opposable thumbs…?  I’m just asking.

So my first appointment is July 1.  I will continue on with the progesterone since it can’t hurt and can only help support whatever’s happening down there.  And as far as obsessive wiping/googling, I may have gotten most of that out of my system today.  Not a sign of spotting all day, and my symptoms today pretty much feel like a bad period without the cramps; just feel super bloated, heavy, and tired.  Also don’t feel like eating anything and yet am always hungry.  I chalk this up to nerves at this point.  I am just super agitated and haven’t been able to sleep and have to force food down my throat.  But I am working on my breathing techniques and advice from pregnant/mom friends has been invaluable.

I wish I had a nice friendly ob or RE who could run labs for me, do ultrasounds, and hold my hand, but unfortunately I don’t.  If I really wanted to I could probably pay my old clinic to run hcg numbers for me…but the fact is I’m out of town Friday, and a friend of mine told me her hcg numbers never looked right and yet she has two healthy babies, so there’s no point in getting myself all worked up and then having to go perform on the east coast for days.  I think at this point it’s best to just relax and be pregnant.  Again, if anything goes wrong, there’s nothing I can do about it.  My body is doing what my body is doing – it’s out of my hands.  If this one’s going to be strong & sticky, it will make it through these early days.  If not, it will only pave the way for the one who will.

Still giddy thinking about my little buddy boring a hole in my uterus last night and digging on in.  Makes me think of my dog’s face when I wrap her up in blankets and just her little nose sticks out.  I haven’t had any of those pulling sensations today which says to me he/she is burrowed in there. Don’t let go!  Today I had an image of myself sitting on the porch with my red-headed son and telling him I would torture, maim, and kill anyone who tried to hurt him.  Feeling very fierce and maternal already.  Google, google, wipe, wipe.