Boobs have become full and heavy, as I remember them being when I was on the Nuva Ring. This and a persistent pulling/crampy feeling on the right side of my abdomen is a constant reminder that yeah, that just happened.
So today I am once again operating on almost no sleep. Why? I don’t mind admitting it. I’m full of anxiety. Got myself all worked up into a tizzy reading about chemical pregnancies. I am just so, so afraid this is going to “go away” and then I’ll have to start all over again. And you know what? This may happen, so I just have to get used to the idea. Right now I feel like if I lose this baby I’ll die from the grief. But, I know I won’t die, and I’ll get over it, and I’ll move on. But the very thought has me almost paralyzed with fear.
So I had the brilliant idea to take another pregnancy test to make sure the pregnancy was “progressing” – somehow I thought if I took the last of the crappy “Rapid Result” tests that was so faint on Friday that it would be dark today. And guess what? It was NEGATIVE. Well, almost negative – on further inspection, I did see that the test line was quite a bit lighter than the test line from Friday, and there was a whisper of a line today, but still – isn’t the concentration of hcg supposed to dramatically increase??? Then came the insane dash to drink more water and take more tests – but of course I had almost no urine, so I tried the last digital test and got an error message and had to throw it out (what a waste!), but had just enough for a FR “Early Result” test which showed a nice strong line. Then googled “pregnancy tests not getting darker” and learned that sure enough, this is NOT a good gauge of your pregnancy progressing. There are too many factors – time of day, test type, concentration of urine, etc. The only way to know for sure is have those beta tests. I’m assuming the clinic can/will do those for me for the next couple of weeks or however long you have to do it. So despite my best efforts to avoid waiting for results via phone it looks like I’m back in that boat.
Agh. What the heck is wrong with me? Still couldn’t sleep after that. Shots of adrenaline moving through me. Right now I wish I could just take a luxurious weekend day and lie in bed and pamper myself. But I have to run around all day, and then the week starts, and then I go to Boston Friday for a lengthy “tour” with the band, ending in NY. By the time I get back, god willing, I’ll be six weeks. Maybe then I can get a heart beat!
One thing I’m going to do today is tell my friend, the one who’s life makes me feel like mine sucks. The one who just bought the $800,000 house and who will want to spend our dinner together gushing about it. Oh, I’ll let her do that for a while, then I’m whipping out my positive pregnancy test and slapping it on the table. I promise I will avoid saying “bitch!” as I do it. Well, I’ll avoid saying it out loud, anyway.
I love reading your post, they are always filled with truth and humor.
ReplyDeleteI am also anxious thinking, is this real! But you are and you and your baby will be just fine :-)
I understand your worries completely! My HPT showed a very faint line both times I checked (12 and 13 dpIUI) and 14dpIUI I had a beta of 356, so the intensity of the line really doesn't mean a thing.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as you get your betas, you'll start worrying about your ultrasound, and then you'll find you worry from ultrasound to ultrasound. It does get easier once you feel the baby move, I promise! :)
The last paragraph of your post had me laughing!
ReplyDeleteI think your concerns are completely natural and very maternal. I can only imagine what I nervous wreck I would be in your shoes.