What the A-F?

Ok, so it is now 15 dpo and still no period.  Still feeling like I’m going to get it any second – crampy, bloaty, twingy feelings.  But no tell-tale signs of pregnancy, either.  No breast tenderness.  No increased sense of smell.  No nausea, no weirdness.  I just feel like my body is trying to have a period.  But my period is two days late, and last time I got off the progesterone it started the next day.  Is it because I was on the progesterone longer this time?  Am I going to miss my period entirely for no reason (this has never happened to me in my life, but I guess there’s always a first time)?  It’s all just too weird.  Unless of course I get it in the next 24 hours.  Then it’s not so weird.  Yesterday I texted a friend, “OK, so either my house smells like garbage because I’m pregnant…or my house just smells like garbage”.  I think that pretty much sums it up.

Why the heck don’t you get a blood test, or go out and buy a proper pregnancy test, you ask?  Well, two reasons.  One, I truly believe I’m going to get my period any second so there’s no reason to spend money on those two things (those super-sensitive home tests ain’t cheap).  Two – well, I guess I’m afraid to be hopeful.  I picture myself at the drug store walking up to the counter with my pregnancy test and something about it makes me cringe with embarrassment.  Like, seriously, you thought this actually worked?  What’s the matter with you?  That’s what I think.  And then there’s the third, more complex part of all this – there’s a part of me, and not a small part, that’s enjoying the fantasy.

When I didn’t get my period yesterday as I expected, I allowed myself to start wondering if maybe I was wrong, maybe a miracle did happen and the last IUI actually worked.  And I had a much needed night at home, so I thought, F-it, I’m going to enjoy myself and indulge in a little fantasy.  So I let myself obsessively google early pregnancy symptoms and stories, I let myself count the days of my cycle, and the April cycle, over and over to see how it compares (this is the only other cycle I was on progesterone), I googled the efficiency of the “rapid result” test I’ve been using and discovered they only detect hcg at 100 ml/u, whereas most tests detect it at 25 ml/u.  Which would explain why the online pharmacy sent them to me in error (they were trying to get rid of them, because who the heck wants them?), and also explains why they didn’t detect the hcg shot in my system at 6 dpo.  It could be the fuckers are even from a bad batch and don’t work at all.  I have two left.  Oh, and I peed on one of my last opk sticks for fun, since sometimes opks can detect pregnancy, too.  It was dead negative, I mean, not even a hint of LH at all (and I usually have a HINT, although I guess that’s only when I’m on about Day 8 of my cycle, not Day 30 or whatever as I am now). 

So basically I don’t want a blood test or a more accurate home test right now because I’m enjoying the Drama of the Late Period.  Had I not been on progesterone I’d be a lot more hopeful – then for sure it would mean something, because I’m sometimes a day or two early but NEVER late.  But, I chalk this all up to the progesterone.  Most women don’t get their period for several days after stopping it.  I took the last one Monday night.  Period was due Tues.  It could arrive any day now.  Or not!

In the meantime I broke down and e-mailed the Irvine clinic about setting up a consult, asked if they use vitrification.  A very nice doctor e-mailed me back that yes, they use vitrification, and they are excited to meet me.  So when ol’ AF shows up that will be my first phone call.

Will I feel silly fantasizing when this all comes up a bust?  No, I don’t think so.  It was kind of like being an adult and riding the little kid’s ride at the amusement park.  Sure, it’s silly, but why not?  Does everything have to be so g-d serious and adult all the time?  Aren’t we allowed to day dream, to imagine?  What the heck.  I touched the hem of the mommy world for one brief, lovely moment, and I enjoyed it.  I’m glad I did.  I deserved it.