How it went down

Ok, so I thought I could go back to sleep for a little bit but that’s totally impossible, so I figured I would tell you The Story of what happened over the last 24 hours.

So the plan was to take a test this morning, 16 dpo.  Before I went to bed I took my temperature just for fun, and saw it was pretty high, as in, progesterone high, but the progesterone has been out of my system for days now.  So that got me thinking.  Then I woke up at 5:30 and said the heck with it, no point in waiting a few more hours, I’m going to do another test now.  And there it was, just the faintest whisper of a line.  It disappeared when I held the test a certain way; when I held it up to the light it looked like a shadow from the bars on the back.  But there was no escaping it – I’ve seen enough negative pregnancy tests to know when one isn’t.  There was something there.

I threw a coat on over my pyjamas, dug the sleep out of my eyes, googled all night pharmacies, and drove to one in Silverlake that was open at 5:45 AM.  I spent $50 on two Clear Blue digitals and two First Response Early Result tests, no longer caring if the clerk or other customers thought I was crazy.

Boy, that ride home!  Talk about putting into practice every yoga technique I’ve learned in the last few years.  I had to remind myself to breathe, and tell myself, no, you’re not going to throw up.  Shaking all over.  I got home and decided to try the digital kind just for the thrill of seeing the word “pregnant” with no “not” in front of it.  So, much like when I was a young girl, I sat with the test on my lap, shaking all over, barely able to keep it from falling into the toilet.  The little hour glass clicked away for about a minute.  And there it was, as I knew it would be.  “pregnant”

How can I describe the feeling?  Well, I guess there’s something about wanting something so bad, and thinking about it for so long, and then sort of suspecting it might be happening, and then confirming it.  I guess my first thought was, “well, of course.”  Then I paced the living room for a bit thinking, “what do I do now?”  Honestly, I never thought this far ahead!  I left a message with the clinic to see if they need to see me (and I’m supposed to report any and all pregnancies for their records anyway) or if I just head to an ob/gyn in a few weeks. 

Been texting and calling all interested parties ever since.  I had always dreamed of asking my girlfriends, “so, are you ready to be an auntie?” And I finally got to do it. 

How can I sum all of this up?  Well, mainly it doesn’t feel real yet, so I am still in total denial/shock.  Then there’s the secondary emotion of being afraid it will “go away” and preparing myself for that, trying to get myself used to the idea of the possibility, and comfort myself with the reality that I did this once, I can do it again.  I mean, that’s the thing.  No matter what happens next, I did achieve a pregnancy once.  So, that’s something.  I don’t know how I’d feel if that happened but I do believe eventually I’d get back on the horse and keep trying.  At least I know I had one good egg, once!

But most of all I’m just happy.  I mean, Jesus, who wouldn’t be?  I’m thrilled and awed and a little ashamed of how negative I was being even though I understand why I was being that way.  Now I can’t wait to get on to the second trimester when it’s real, it’s not going anywhere, I can tell everyone, and make some plans.  But for now I’ll do what I always try to do which is just be in this moment, honor this moment.  This is huge, unexpected, and such a blessing.  According to my WTE app my baby has now graduated from being a poppy seed to an orange seed.  Go baby!

PS - my aged chickens started laying again.  Coincidence?  I think not.

PPS - don’t ever, ever use the "Rapid Result" First Response tests.  They suck.