Hello, July!

Ahhhh, what a relief!  No more looking at a calendar and seeing last month’s cycle.  It’s July now and a whole new ball game. 

I doubt July will be the month I conceive anybody.  And you ladies know how maddening it is to see a cycle pass you by without a conception attempt.  I can’t stand the thought of lying in bed one night this month and knowing an egg is bursting out of my ovary only to die unfertilized 12 to 24 hours later.  But, this will probably happen unless I have super obvious signs of ovulation and manage to talk the clinic into running an ultrasound for me.  So, that’s that.

However, here is what is going to happen in July:  my 39^th birthday, and my event a few days later, which will set the financial tone for the entire year (and possibly years after) all in one weekend.  Right now my numbers are looking a bit “meh” so I’m not expecting much, but I’m over panicking about it.  It is what it is.  I’m putting on a kick-ass event this year with tons of great extras and added value – if people can’t see that, then, there’s nothing I can do about it.  Kind of like how no man ever thought I was awesome enough to marry and have kids with – nothing I can do about that, either.  So, moving on!  My hope is the budget cuts I made this year will even out my crap attendance.  Also since I don’t have a video to spend all fall editing, this means I can spend my fall plotting and planning and trying to advertise to new groups in order to boost attendance for 2012.  I have no idea how I’m going to do this, but I have plenty of time to figure it out!

I feel like I am over mourning.  I cried a lot, I felt it deeply, and now I’m ready to move on to happy things.  I feel tons of hope for my future right now, and will continue to until I have a reason not to.  Today I started taking my prenatals again.  Shazzam.

A friend of mine and I had a really interesting conversation a couple of weeks ago.  We always talk about movies, particularly documentaries.  I mentioned I had watched one on HBO called “How to Die in Oregon” about legalized euthanasia in that state.  They followed various people’s stories – mainly a woman dying of cancer who had a plan to take her own life when she felt the time was right, and people in other states who hadn’t been allowed to and suffered horribly.  It was incredibly emotional for me because the woman with cancer reminded me so much of my aunt, and what she went through in the last couple of years – that sort of odd “reprieve” people with terminal cancer sometimes get where they go into remission and suddenly feel a lot better and think they’ve beaten it…and then the cancer comes back hard and they go downhill very fast.  The woman in the movie died peacefully at her own hand with her family around her holding her and singing to her, much like my aunt did (although my aunt didn’t take drugs to stop her heart, she died naturally).  I was so moved by this it made me want to look up organizations that assist people in this process and volunteer my time.  My friend pointed out that self-determination is a HUGE issue for me, and something I think about a lot.  The freedom to live, and die, the way you want and without interference, is something I feel very strongly about (hence my TTCSW!).  It was interesting to me to hear that my friends know this is something that is a big deal in my life – personal freedom.  I’m still so grateful that I can pursue single motherhood in this country and have so many avid supporters.  I think this is an appropriate topic to think about on this Independence Day Weekend!

So today I am going to work my butt off and then take the long weekend off and enjoy myself – thank God it’s nice and hot finally so I intend to christen my pool (and enjoy the hot tub since I can), go to friends’ parties, and be joyful.  And celebrate my personal freedom!