My latest obsession

So now that I’ve survived the dreaded five week mark I have become obsessed with the concept of the “blighted ovum” or the “empty gestational sac”.  For those of you who don’t know, here’s another wickedly cruel thing that sometimes happens in early pregnancy – you conceive, there is an embryo, and you have all the signs of a normal pregnancy, but at some point the embryo stops developing and is absorbed into your body, however the sac it was in sticks around and hormonally creates the illusion of a normally progressing pregnancy.  That is, until an ultrasound shows there’s no there there. 

How f-d up is that???  I wanted to see if there were any “signs” this had happened, but there aren’t – again, the sac will cause your body to continue creating the hormones so you don’t lose your symptoms.  It appears this can happen as late as 12 weeks, though normally by 8 weeks you would have had an ultrasound that would show an empty sac.  An empty sac!  Of course at some point you would assume you’d “pass” all this, but sometimes you don’t and have to have surgery.  Still on the fence as to what I’d choose under those circumstances; it sounds like a really horrible choice to make.  Kind of like whether or not to put a beloved pet “down” to end their suffering.  Ugh!

Anyway as you can see I’m having fun stressing myself out over bizarre scenarios.  I guess I’m taking it one bizarre scenario at a time.  Ok, so the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy is probably behind me at this point – what’s the next horrible thing that might happen?  Ha ha, pregnancy is not for the worrying type, for sure.

Last night went to a birthday dinner I really didn’t want to go to, and was very sick the whole time and had to leave rather abruptly, to the point where a friend who was there called later and asked if I was ok.  I said the Mexican food had upset my stomach (kind of true).  I’ve noticed a direct correlation between my on again, off again nausea and stressful situations (ie, how incredibly ill I felt during my event, and the minute it was over I felt fine, and continued to feel fine until last night).  Is it possible basic stress has that much of an effect on pregnancy symptoms, or is it just coincidence?  My boobs were also so sore even sitting still they hurt; now they feel normal.  Maybe I just had a huge hormone surge last night.  But I still think stress is a factor – any kind of emotional anything seems to get me going.  Interesting.  Luckily the only things coming up that may cause stress are my family trip (just the air travel, I’m a little worried about) and the following weekend another trip to the east coast which is my final band trip for the year which also will be stressful because of the early flight (7 AM going).  But that’s it as far as obligations for a good long time – the rest of this time I get to kick back and relax (and watch my money slowly drain away). 

Today I also looked up the term “hysterical pregnancy” since it’s something I’d heard about but wasn’t sure if it was the same as a “blighted ovum” or not.  No, actually hysterical pregnancy is entirely a mental illness thing – no pregnancy occurs at all, yet women can have all the symptoms, even positive pregnancy tests (!)  Wow, if that doesn’t show you the power of the mind!  I’m pretty sure that’s not what’s going on with me, ha ha!  I do know one person who had one of these (I think), and she’s the type – “histrionic” doesn’t begin to describe her.  Totally fascinated by this. 

I still can’t believe that until the baby is outside of your body, you can lose it at ANY TIME.  Although most women feel “safe” by the second trimester (I’m sure if I make it that far I’ll allow myself to relax a little), there’s no safety anywhere.  So scary, so tenuous.  Anything can go wrong at any time, and you may not even know it, which is the freakiest part.  But this is what I signed up for, and I accept it.  Believe it or not I am not walking around a ball of worry and fear all day.  Sure, I’m obsessively wiping and Googling, but I’m also going about my life and thinking about other things occasionally.  Every day that passes is a triumph and gets me closer to my goal, a healthy little red headed akachan.