Today??

The clinic did not call me back yesterday (I’m sure they figured since I was supposed to be “sitting one out” that it couldn’t be anything urgent – usually they’re really good about returning phone calls), but they called this morning, and without even questioning my motives set me up for an ultrasound and possible insemination today.  If it’s a go I will have to pay a $50 late fee for not having the vial prepared in advance.  Good thing my donor is available right there at the office and there’s plenty of him (apparently nobody wants a red head – who knew.  Or is it anti-Semitism?) otherwise this would be impossible today.

I have been having cramping, bloating, and tenderness on my right side since last night which is the same thing that happened the last time I actually ovulated, but I am prepared for anything today.  Remember today is merely a fact-finding mission – the lining may not have built up enough, and I may not be ovulating at all this month.  But I just had to know.  The timing isn’t exactly convenient, but I’ll admit it is better than last month in that I don’t have to get on a plane and do a grueling tour while wanting to puke.  As noted by the time my event rolls around even if everything goes my way and I am pregnant I won’t have any symptoms yet.  And the closer to fall I get the worst it gets as far as delivery time being too close to next year’s event.  So, unless there’s a medical reason I’d like to proceed today.

I’m not going to say I don’t have mixed feelings about all this.  No, not just today – everything.  And I have come to the conclusion that this is normal.  Does anyone march right into parenthood without the slightest doubt or misgiving?  The last couple of weeks I have relished feeling well, wanting to eat, and being able to do whatever I want with my body without jeopardizing someone else.  There is a real freedom in that, and lately I’ve come to understand better one friend of mine who really didn’t enjoy her pregnancy at all, and had a lot of misgivings about trying for a second child.  At the time I didn’t understand her, but now I do.  You are essentially renting out your body to a stranger.  You can’t be yourself for nine months; you are entirely responsible with every move you make for the wellbeing of another person.  Everything you eat, all your activities, even your state of mind.  It’s a lot, especially for an older woman like me who’s used to being completely independent (and dare I say it – selfish) for several decades.  So I think it’s ok for me to say pregnancy doesn’t entirely appeal to me.  I guess like most women I accept that it’s part of the deal, and am hoping it will at least be an interesting experience, one I’m glad I had one day.  I am definitely having second thoughts about that sibling, though!!!

One other funny thing that happened during my brief pregnancy last month that I mentioned to a friend the other night was the strange state of denial that set in.  I suddenly had empathy for those women and young girls who don’t know they’re pregnant, or probably do know on some level but just deny it literally until labor begins.  I found during those days that when someone would mention the pregnancy to me, my first thought was, “no I’m not.”  You remember how I was convinced my aversion to food was just nerves and not actually pregnancy symptoms kicking in?  Weird!  Normally I’m not a denial kind of person – I like to deal with reality – but I guess I was in such shock that I found I would forget about it for long swaths of time, or when people said anything about it to me I’d want to contradict them.  Weird, huh?  Another bizarre, unexpected part of this “journey”.  Never a dull moment, that’s for sure.

So today whatever the results are I’m ok with it.  If it turns out I can’t proceed I’ll be kind of relieved – it would be nice not to have a second thing to worry about with my event just two weeks away.  But it would also be nice to have something to look forward to and be happy about, if it works.  If I can proceed I’ll be pleased that a) my body was kick started into fertility mode post-miscarriage as people say happens sometimes, and b) I got right back on the horse.  Either way is cool.  Will post an update!