No guarantees

Just got off the phone with a relative who is in a similar position to mine.  We’re both having a hard time financially and are sick and tired of worrying about money.  She is going to see a career counselor which I think would be a great help to her, since she has always had trouble finding something she liked to do for a living.  I on the other hand found something I like to do, but am losing it.  I keep saying to myself – I can’t believe I’m back here, I can’t believe after fourteen years in business that I’m right back where I started.  It’s maddening.

The good news is I had many e-mails back and forth with the hotel yesterday and they are committed to working with me.  Luckily all conventions are having these problems, so she wants to see about lowering my “room guarantee” (how many rooms I estimate people will take at the hotel – this is how I get my ballroom space) without sacrificing rooms.  But at this point I’m willing to sacrifice ballrooms if I have to, just to lower my room guarantee so I don’t have to have this panic every year (technically I’m supposed to pay for any rooms not booked – I may have to pay this year).  I feel like, hey, fuck you people, if you’re not willing to pay to take classes then guess what, you lose a classroom.  Already we lost our usual midnight buffets that we used to have – and it’s because nobody used them and the hotel lost money.  I’m sure people will bitch about this, and I’ll openly tell them that hey, you didn’t buy it last year, so they took it away.  Screw you.

Ha ha, can you see how bitter and put-upon I am?  It’s ok, I have a sense of humor about it, and that’s what matters.  It is what it is.  I think in a week I can rally myself to walk in there with guns blazing and ready to put on a kick-ass event for the people who did pay the money, who did make an effort to show up.  And you know what, I bet most of the people who opted out this year did so because they were broke.  Not that I don’t know what that’s like!

Why are the events that are succeeding, succeeding this year, while others fail?  Who knows.  Why did my close friend meet a great guy, get married, and buy an $800,000 house, and I didn’t?  Why does everyone get pregnant, even the ones who don’t want the babies, and yet so many women like me struggle mightily and possibly never attain the goal of parenthood?  If there’s one thing I know to be true about life, it’s that there are no guarantees, nothing is fair, and you can’t always get what you want.  Sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down.  Everyone has pain in this life even if they’re not having it right at this moment.  This is just a down time for me.  It’s ok, it’s only temporary.  But it could lead to a lot of difficult and unpleasant times down the road.

Then there’s the possibility of pregnancy.  I hate to admit this but I SOOO want this one to work out – I mean, I feel with everything that is and has been going on lately, that a BFN or another loss would just about kill me right now.  I so need a lift, I so need something to look forward to.  I guess I need to feel blessed, because between my miscarriage, my car being smashed, and my business going to shit, I feel cursed right now.  That’s a lot of pressure to put on my little zygote, however.  Is this how my life as a parent starts, wanting my child to solve all my problems…?  That can’t be good.

So today is day 7.  Again, I will test on Day 10, which is Sunday and my birthday, since I believe that’s the first day I can get any indication of anything.  I’m not really sure what to do after that, since it’s the week of my event and there’s no time to run for a blood test.  I guess I’ll just keep testing, and keep taking progesterone, until the event is over.  I want to delay my period, and also know for ABSOLUTE SURITY that I’m not pregnant even if I start a period, because then I will take Femara and if there’s the freakish situation that I am pregnant but never had a positive test AND have what looks like a period and take the Femara but am in fact pregnant the Femara could cause serious birth defects.  Since I’m completely tied up next Thurs – Mon, it seems like all I can do is “act if” even if I keep getting negative tests; keep on with the tests & progesterone until I can get to the clinic.  But I just hope, hope, hope that I get a BFP on Sunday or Tuesday or even Thursday – any ol’ time works for me.  I’m going to be really crushed if it’s negative, but I need to be prepared for that.  I can always try again in two weeks, with Femara this time, and maybe succeed.  But boy, the stakes are high on this one, and I don’t like that one bit.