This post has nothing to do with baby stuff. I can’t test for several days and may not get a confirmation of anything for even days after that. So nothing is going on in TTC land other than taking progesterone and waiting.
What really is happening right now is that I can no longer deny that my event is in serious trouble this year, which may have huge ramifications for my future, including future TTC plans. It’s pretty much the worst thing that could happen to me right now short of coming up with a terminal illness.
Normally at this point (my event is a week away) the people are piling on, and have been since the 4th of July. I should be getting 10-20 people a day right now; I sometimes even get as many as 200 people in the last couple of weeks. Guess how many people I’ve had sign up since my price increase on June 8th? Oh, maybe 30. Nobody signed up yesterday, and so far nobody today, either. I’ve gotten maybe one or two people a day (and many days nobody at all) for the last five weeks. This has NEVER happened in the 14 years I’ve done this event, not even in the last few years when there was so much on the news about how bad the economy is. What the hell is going on???
According to people I’ve asked, everyone is suffering right now – the little events are collapsing, and even the bigger ones have taken a hit this year. Of course not all of them have, but I think it’s safe to say “most”. So I’m not taking it personally – there’s nothing I can or could have done to make this any different. But for the first time in fourteen years I am at a real crisis point and may be in big, big trouble. No amount of budgeting or living frugally is going to help me with the numbers this bad. It’s at the point of simply not going to make it – I am not going to have enough money to live on; I am going to have to use what tiny scraps of credit I have just to stretch to next year…possibly only to have the same results. It’s horrifying, and yesterday I was so depressed I didn’t go out dancing and in fact went to bed at 9 PM. I just didn’t see the point of staying awake anymore.
I thought I might make myself feel better if I looked on Craig’s List for part time work, or any work, just to get an idea of what’s out there (even though I know Craig’s List is hardly the best place to look for jobs – it really has to be word of mouth), and what was the very first add that popped up in “Part Time”? MY clinic, soliciting for sperm donors! Ha ha ha! Too bad I have no sperm, and my eggs, well, I need every good one of those I have left!!!
So now I have the joy of another week of constant stressful preparations, running a birthday party for myself on Sunday (not as much fun as it sounds – it’s actually a huge pain in the ass), and then running the actual event next weekend, knowing I am not making any money and I’m having the worst year in ten years. Having to put a good face on, smile, pretend everything is great. UGH! I may chuck everything and spend the day in bed today, too.
What does this mean for TTCSW? Well, it means a lot, actually. Now that every penny in credit I have that I was going to use for mini-IVF will in fact have to be lived on, that is definitely out. If I turn up positive this time and don’t miscarry, I have no worries. But how do I continue to TTCSW with NO money??? Last night I thought again that I might downgrade to at home insemination if necessary. After all, my fertility woes appear to have been (at least temporarily) solved – now I have that glorious ovulation cramping so I know just when all the action is happening. It would only cost about $600, as opposed to $1500, to try at home, and with the same donor. Not that I have $600 either, but if it’s just a numbers game at this point and I have found the correct protocol for my personal ovulation, then why not? Of course the issue of recurrent miscarriages is a problem. If this happens, I don’t know how I’m going to afford the testing/medications/whatever necessary to make sure there isn’t some impediment to me carrying a baby. Have no idea what to do in that case.
It’s funny, a friend on the phone the other day seemed to think I was worried about having the baby and not being able to afford it. She’s still in that mindset that 90% of women are in who had babies young, unexpectedly, when they weren’t prepared. She has NO IDEA how different it is to be in my position – for her, the biggest worry was getting pregnant on accident and then having to find a way to raise the kid; for me my biggest worry is NOT getting pregnant after thousands of dollars of treatments, at my age, and not knowing what to do next as the window of opportunity slams shut. Achieving a pregnancy right now, and keeping it (for a change) would pretty much solve all of my problems (well, except the one where I have no money and my business is tanking). Having to try to continue TTCSW during this mess is my worst nightmare – and I really don’t know what I’d do. I will have to see where the money stands in a couple of weeks. Believe me, having the baby is cheap. NOT having it is what costs.
I was laid off twice while TTC and I kept plugging along. Not letting money woes sidetrack me helped keep me from being totally miserable and resentful. I'm still paying off some credit card debt from it, but it was worth saving my sanity.
ReplyDeleteConsidering this has never happened before, have you been able to verify that all your registration processes are working normally? I assume it's online registration, so can you check your analytics to see if people are getting error messages or something odd?
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this stress. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.
ReplyDeleteI do plan on TTC even despite all this - as you noted, not doing it would only make me even more bitter and resentful than I already am! Maybe downgrading to trying at home would reduce costs and at least make me feel like I'm still in the game. Hopefully it won't come to that.
ReplyDeleteI do have people trickling in (as in, one or so per day) which says to me everything is working. Since I know most of my attendees, they always e-mail or call when there's a problem with the web page, so I'm usually alerted before too many people get affected. Today I really did want to shake my computer and say, "is this thing on???"