I contemplated not writing at all until I got out of this funk, but what the hell? This is my blog, and something tells me rants are probably more entertaining than relentless positivity anyway. If nothing else, it’s truthful. I don’t feel good today.
I’m not sure how I fell from the super-optimism of Friday to today’s pit of hell, and it does make me wonder again if I don’t suffer from a touch of bi-polar, which I believe my mother has. When I get the DSM-IV I asked for for my birthday, I can look it up!!! Anyway, I believe my current crappy state of mind was brought about by the following:
Yesterday morning was one of those mornings in which the universe tries to tell you your life sucks, over and over again. FIRST, another painful phone call with the hotel where my event is going to be held, discussing options for “scaling down” for the future if my room pick up continues to be as shitty as it is right now (and it will – historically they only have cancellations at this late date, not new room bookings, so, essentially, I’m fucked). THEN immediately upon hanging up the phone I get an e-mail from a rival event asking me to advertise in their program, boasting about their record-breaking attendance this year, how they’ve been doubling every year, yadda yadda. THEN I pick up the New Yorker for a little bit of escapism only to see a glowing review of a new film written & directed by a friend of mine from high school (did I mention I moved to LA 18 years ago to write and direct my own films? Yeah). THEN I log on to my “Blogger Dashboard” only to see glowing reports of the progressing pregnancies of the bloggers I follow, who got pregnant around the same time I did. I have stopped following these ladies. I wish you the best, I really do. But seeing your betas double every 48 hours LITERALLY hurts my feelings. I can’t take it anymore.
Then I go to my bandleader’s birthday party, at which I swore I’d present myself as nothing but love and light, and yet found myself doing nothing but complaining bitterly and being horribly negative the whole time. I don’t know how my friends stand me sometimes; I can hardly stand myself right now. So I am very ashamed and guilty right now about that. I wish I could just be one of those people who when asked how things are going could say, “everything’s great!” but I can’t. I told them all about my shitty attendance and how worried I am. Which is great because now word will get out about my shitty attendance which will only make it more shitty. Great.
Then for added measure my subconscious decided to have fun with me by presenting a super-realistic dream that The Friend Who Unintentionally Makes Me Feel Like My Life is Shit announced she was pregnant. Now, this isn’t so far from reality – I’m bracing myself for this moment to happen any day now. But suffice it to say this dream did NOT have me waking up in the best state of mind this morning.
I do have to laugh at all this, because it’s just so ridiculously bad. And I’d love to say, “I know I have a great life!” but at this moment I don’t think I can say that and believe it – at this moment, July 2011, my life is NOT great. I am alone, I am broke, my business is in serious jeopardy, and I just had a miscarriage. Sure, all of this could turn around – I could have a big rush of sign ups in the next two weeks, I could work things out with the hotel whereby I don’t have to compromise the quality of the event in the future, I could barely scrape by another year by being frugal, I could get pregnant again and maybe even hang on to it. Sure, all of these things could happen. Absolutely. If I really believed none of this is possible I doubt I’d be able to go on right now. But right now, things just kind of suck for me. That’s the truth.
Update: Just found two articles that I thought were just great. They are very angry. Read at your own discretion:
Here
...and Here
Update: Just found two articles that I thought were just great. They are very angry. Read at your own discretion:
Here
...and Here
This is the good thing about blogging, you can feel how you want, it is your space. You are entitled to be in a funk, you have been through a lot.
ReplyDeleteI do hope you feel better!
You have every right to be in a funk. Those were very powerful articles...but very poignant and true. I do hope the light at the tunnel emerges soon and that you feel better soon.
ReplyDelete