Paranoia, cha cha cha

I have to admit, now that my event is behind me, I have allowed paranoia and worry to take over.  My big worry is the fact that my nausea/morning sickness completely disappeared the minute I got home, so I’ve now had two days of feeling totally normal.  As in, my pregnancy symptoms have vanished into thin air.  Not a good sign.  Or is it?

Here’s the f-d up thing about early pregnancy.  Check out this list of variables I’ve discovered with my obsessive Googling:

Disappearance of morning sickness/pregnancy symptoms could mean you’re about to miscarry.  It could also mean absolutely nothing.

Pregnancy tests getting progressively lighter could mean you’re about to miscarry.  It could also mean absolutely nothing.

Bleeding/spotting could mean you’re about to miscarry.  It could also mean absolutely nothing.

Your hcg numbers not looking quite right could mean you’re about to miscarry.  It could also mean absolutely nothing.

Not seeing a fetal pole/evidence of pregnancy on an ultrasound (heart beat, etc) could mean you’re not pregnant.  It could also mean you are.

Not bleeding could mean you’re still pregnant.  It could also mean you miscarried but just don’t know it.

How maddening is all this???  How I wish I could just turn off my brain and be patient, and listen to myself when I tell myself “just assume everything is fine until you have evidence to the contrary”, but I can’t.  I mean, no bleeding is good – but could also be meaningless, since people have “missed miscarriages” all the time.  The utter lack of nausea bothers me a lot, considering how much it kicked my butt all weekend.  But now I’m rested, not stressed, and eating good clean homemade food regularly.  Could this be why I feel so much better, so “normal”?  I still have swollen boobs, heavy feelings, fatigue.  Still feel emotional and not “quite right”.  I don’t feel, as some women do instinctively, that something is wrong.  But I didn’t feel that last time, either.

Anyway, broke down and took a $ Tree test since I have a few left kicking around – a good strong line, although with nothing to compare it to, who knows?  But I guess that’s better than a faint little line or NO line.  It’s occurred to me to try to get in and see someone, but the fact is other than taking a couple of progressive hcg blood tests, there’s really nothing to be done this early – and I have no money, and the results might only confuse me or give me false hope.  Kind of like last time when I went to the Emergency Room and they said they saw no evidence of an active miscarriage, but an hour later I started bleeding in earnest.  In the end, there’s nothing I can do about any of this – either it’s viable or it’s not, and no amount of testing or medication (well, beyond the progesterone support) or doctor visits is going to save a non-viable early pregnancy.

I try to tell myself, “well, you can just try again,” or “two losses is no big deal, and says nothing about your ability to carry a baby to term,” but that doesn’t change the fact that I so want this baby to survive; I so don’t want to go through all that again.  Ugh!  Maybe the Buddhists have it right about being desireless.  Not wanting anything definitely makes life a lot easier!

Tomorrow I am five weeks, the day I miscarried last time.  If I can make it to midnight tomorrow I’ll say a little cheer.