Go big or go home

This is the moment I have so longed for – finally, my event is over!!!  So I made it, and as far as I know I am still pregnant.  Win win!

I won’t lie to you, most of the event was f-ing brutal.  The first day and night are always hard, but add in nausea and fear of food, plus general fatigue and ickiness from early pregnancy, and I barely survived the night.  I had to leave the dance Friday night before the third set because I thought I was going to throw up in the middle of one of the contests – I walked around in circles on the patio eating peanuts until I felt less like hurling.  The mornings were really rough, but I had my “pregnancy survival kit” with me at all times – Slim Fast shakes, rice cakes, and string cheese.  I made sure I used my progesterone every night, I made sure I took my vitamins even when I felt like throwing them back up.  It was especially difficult sharing a room with someone who doesn’t know I’m pregnant…but in a way it was good because it forced me to act like everything was normal and not dwell on the sickness.  I’ve found distraction to be a very good method as far as dealing with nausea. 

So as with all fourteen of my events, up until about Saturday night I was in pure hell and kind of wanted to drive off a cliff, also questioned my choice of career paths.  But then the worst is over, everyone tells me what a great time they’re having, and I start to get proud and happy of what I’ve accomplished and even amazingly sort of wish it weren’t ending so soon.  Weird, huh?  It took me until a couple of years ago to figure out this was my pattern every year, and that just because Friday night I always think “I really need to do something else with my life” doesn’t mean I really mean it.  In fact, it doesn’t mean that at all, it’s just the stress talking, and the stress, as I mentioned before, is off the charts.  Back in the day (the nineties) I remember being so stressed out my jaw would clamp shut and I couldn’t eat anything but liquids for days.  I’m way better than that now, but is it enjoyable at the beginning?  Absolutely not.  It’s hell, and that’s just the way it is.  I accept it.

Because there’s been such a baby boom in the dance world in the last couple of years, a group of the new moms & dads asked to do a little “baby wearing” performance before the awards Sunday.  So they all strapped their babies on their backs and did a cute little swing line dance, with the kids' little chubby legs flopping around as they danced.  I teared up.  I couldn’t help thinking, wow, is that going to be me next year?  A friend who I later told about my pregnancy noticed the look on my face and wondered why I was getting so emotional.  So maybe I’m not hiding all this as effectively as I thought!

So now my job is to go over the money and see where I’m at.  My guess is it’s not going to be as dire as I thought, but it will probably still be a tight year.  I had a lot of thoughts going into this event about next year, and how I need to scale down and cut budgets.  But by the end of the weekend I decided to chuck all that and go for it.  Next year is the big 15 year celebration, and I think I need to seriously make it a huge blow-out.  Already people are talking about it.  I think my tactic needs to be go big or go home.  I know I can rebound next year if I spend the year just pumping it up and getting “buzz” going.  I can’t tell you how many first timers I had this year who said they so regretted not ever coming before.  I have a great event, it’s just that it’s been around for so long people seem to overlook it.  It’s my job now to undo some of that stigma and get people’s butts here.  I know I can do it!

In the meantime, day after tomorrow will be five weeks, which is the point at which I miscarried last time.  I am just keeping my fingers crossed that that day comes and goes uneventful.  Last time I had that weird bleed a few days before; this time that deadline has passed.  Is this one going to make it?  I want that so badly that I barely dare articulate it.  It’s so out of my hands – I can save my event, but I can’t save a non-viable pregnancy.  It’s scary to want something so intensely and yet have no way to make it happen (or keep something bad from happening to the thing you want).  Other than the illness & sore boobs, do I feel pregnant?  Not really, but I think that’s normal.  It’s all just theory until I’ve made it to the 2^nd trimester, if you ask me.  There’s no ultrasound, no heartbeat.  It’s still so early.  This time last time I had barely had a positive pregnancy test.  I don’t allow myself to fantasize about pregnancy or motherhood, I don’t allow myself to make any plans, buy anything, or tell more than the most necessary people.  I’m just too scared of disappointment.  But again, every day that passes with no blood and continued symptoms is a personal triumph.  And hey, I can always try again.  I just hope this one decides to stick around.