…but I’m sure plenty of people wanted to kill themselves because they couldn’t take any more nausea. That’s kind of the point I’m at now. SO over it. SO want to feel better again. SO sick of canceling everything, letting people down, worrying people, and not fulfilling my obligations. It freakin’ SUCKS.
After my last post I pretty much immediately started to feel like absolute crap, but hung in there a few hours thinking I could still manage to pull it together to clean the house from top to bottom and host a dinner party for six women in my book club. Ha! I couldn’t even get it together to brush my teeth, so I canceled at the last minute. Luckily everyone there knows I’m pregnant and were more than understanding. Then today I had made plans to see a movie with a friend – had to cancel that, too. Oh, and that promise I made to go to her house and feed her cats twice a day this weekend? That’s out, too. The two singing gigs I have this weekend may also have to be canceled at the last minute if I continue to feel as horrible as I have the last two days. When is this going to end…?
Not a day goes by that people don’t text or e-mail asking me to do something, wondering where I’ve been and what’s wrong with me. At this point nobody has seen me in six weeks, which is highly irregular since I usually go out once or twice a week, and summertime is especially busy with birthday parties and events. I have declined everything. A local club promoter has e-mailed me about six times trying to get me to DJ and I keep turning him down, and I can tell by the tone of the e-mails that he can’t understand why I’m not available for several more weeks. What the hell could I possibly be doing…? Still I don’t feel obligated to start telling people, especially not via text. It’s still my secret and I want to tell in my own way, not because I’m being pressured because people think I’m being an asshole because I’m not returning their phone calls.
I stopped taking the Zofran because I didn’t think it was working and it was making me horribly constipated (a side effect I didn’t know it had until I read about it on some boards) – but tonight I started to feel so horrible, gearing up for one of those rocking-on-the-bathroom-floor-until-4AM kind of nights, that I took one just for shits and giggles and now feel KIND OF better. So maybe it’s not that it doesn’t work, it just kind of works. At this point I’ll take anything. If it can get me through tomorrow’s gig I’ll do it!
In other news, delighted I officially get to stop progesterone tonight. I’m not worried – I sincerely don’t feel like I need it anymore, if I ever needed it at all. From what I’ve read it seems people still don’t entirely understand progesterone or what it does; it’s given to women like me as an added protection, but we all know just taking progesterone isn’t going to prevent a miscarriage that was going to happen anyway. I’ll never know if stopping it last time caused my miscarriage; probably not. But I sure am interested to see if I feel any different without it. Not sure what to do if I start spotting – I still don’t have anyone to call, anywhere to go. I suppose now would be a good time to come up with some kind of protocol for emergencies, since I’m in a position where having a medical emergency is a possibility.
Anyway, ten weeks today. Am I going to luck out and start feeling better in two weeks like most women? Or am I going to be one of those poor souls who NEVER feels better, who’s nauseated her entire pregnancy? God help me.
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