Reflections on a Year

This weekend while visiting The Friend Who Unintentionally Makes Me Feel Like My Life is Shit, I couldn’t help reflecting on what was happening with me a year ago, and where I thought my life would be today.

Labor Day weekend 2010 for the very first time I announced on Facebook that I was in a relationship with someone.  The response was overwhelming – a flood of congratulations (remember, most of these people have known me as single for about fifteen years), followed by one naysayer telling everyone to shut up because it’s just a relationship and what’s all the hubbub about, followed by everyone telling him to shut up, and then me deleting the whole thread because I didn’t like the negativity (can you see why I’m reluctant to make a big FB pregnancy announcement???).

The relationship had at that point only been about two or three dates, so to say I had jumped the gun a bit is an understatement.  But it was just one of those things.  I got caught up, was convinced I’d met my future husband just in the nick of time, and was thrilled about it.  As mentioned before, I had begun referring to this person as “my last chance to have a kid” (make of that what you will).  And for a couple of weeks after this we were very, very happy.  But as with all failed relationships there were cracks in the veneer.  The biggest crack being he was essentially homeless (camping out with his brother about 1 ½ hours away), jobless, carless, and completely broke.  Oh, there was an explanation for all of this – he had just gotten out of school, was just now starting the job search, and was just on the brink of landing a kick ass graphic design job that would allow the home and car to follow.  But.  In the meantime, he couldn’t get out to see me, because he didn’t have a car, and every time he borrowed a car it would break down on the freeway and I would be left stranded with no date for the night.  After the first couple of dates we started to go dutch, which was fine, but honestly I couldn’t really afford all the dinners out and tickets to shows and parking, and he certainly couldn’t, either.  Then there was the little nagging problem that I really wasn’t interested in sleeping with him.  He claimed to want to wait, too, and it all seemed very sweet and romantic at the time, although later I realized that I just wasn’t attracted to him, at all.  He talked big about the future, our future, his future, but the more I got to know him the more I realized that’s all he was – a big talker.  When he told me his life’s story I realized this is what he does – moves from state to state, never really has a job or a direction in life, manages to move in with some girl for a while, then pisses everyone off and moves to another state where he can start all over again.  I was very busy working on my event video at the time, and he would call me from his brother’s house sometimes multiple times a day and talk my ear off for HOURS pretty much only complaining about what a bitch his sister-in-law is and how mean she is to his brother and what an awful mother she is.  One day I got so fed up with his complaints that I offered to lend him money to get his car fixed so he could at least get to job interviews (his big gripe was his sister-in-law wouldn’t let his brother lend him his car so he kept missing out on these amazing job opportunities).  He resisted at first – but not too much.  Then he asked for another $100 to pay his phone bill.  Instantly it felt very, very wrong, and I knew I was making a huge mistake.  But I think I can be honest that I was so driven, at 38, to find someone to have a kid with and have my own fairy tale, that I was willing to overlook anything – the fact that this guy is basically a professional manipulator, albeit a nice one, and certainly nobody you would ever want to tether yourself to in any way.

So I leant him the money.  As of today, he still owes me more than half.  A year later.  And as far as I know he’s not working, a year later.  About a week after the money incident I broke it off.  At the time I said it was a “break” while he got his life together – and friends tell me he apparently still thinks we’re on a break.  I’ve seen him once or twice in the last year, but that’s it.  Which makes me think he probably still doesn’t have a running car, either. 

We broke up, and we both quietly took down our Facebook “in a relationship” status, which a few people commented to me about privately, but for the most part it ended not with a bang but a whimper.  And as usually happens after a break up you spend a great deal of time wondering how you could have been so stupid and what the hell you were thinking when all the signs were right there.  I spent a lot of time VERY angry at yet another man who let me down.  I felt horrible mourning that my dream of finally having a child was crushed.  Then my aunt died two weeks later.  And now here we are.

So right now I’d just like to celebrate life and admit that things do work out sometimes.  The fact that it’s a year later and I’m just shy of eleven weeks pregnant, and that the baby is not his or anyone else’s, I think is absolutely wonderful.  I’m so proud of myself that I didn’t let that idiot kill my dream – I went ahead and persisted anyway, despite all the obstacles.  The mean part of me can’t wait until he finds out so that I can put a mental middle finger right in his face.  But the nice part of me knows that although he’ll be shocked and maybe a little hurt that on some level he’ll be happy for me.  He’s not a bad guy, really, just kind of a loser who doesn’t know any better.  I have never once thought in this process “I really wish I had a partner right now.”  It’s been perfectly fine – in fact, preferable – to do this on my own.  Everything has been my decision, get to do what I feel is best, I get to take care of myself.  The time may come to enlist some friends for help, but they seem willing (I know I would be). 

Anyway, I guess what I want to say, as lame and clichéd as this is, is don’t let go of your dream.  It can be hard sometimes, and the path may not be the one you planned, but you’ll get there if you don’t give up.