Ok, so first off I’d like to start this post by saying I understand that everyone has a right to their opinion and feelings. And that blogs, by their nature, are a safe place where we can express ourselves and work through things, so that we can be in a community, read other people’s experiences, and realize we’re not alone in our (sometimes) crazy thoughts. On this blog I’ve been bitchy, resentful, evil, judgmental, and whiny. But I’ve also been hopeful, happy, and (I hope) helpful. But I had an experience today that made me want to speak out about something.
So I have but a small group of followers, so when I noticed someone had stopped following me, I wondered who it was and why. I stopped following two blogs once, but I was open about it – it was right after my miscarriage, and it was two blogs of women about as pregnant as I would have been. It wasn’t that I was mad at these ladies, or resentful of them, I just found it hard to emotionally heal when every time I looked at my blog list I saw their progress report posts. I just needed to put that aside so I could deal with my own sadness – and I did – and within a couple of weeks I was able to follow them again with no bad feelings.
The person who stopped following me I know has been having a hard time with fertility issues lately, so I figured “I’m sure she’s sick of hearing me bitch about being sick. I get it, no worries.” But I still follow her, and today she launched this really mean, vitriolic post about how us pregnant women need to shut the hell up about being sick and if it were her she’d be happy and grateful every single day. Um…really? Ok, so I understand when you’re struggling with fertility stuff and have had a lot of disappointments, it’s easy to lose perspective (I’ve been there, remember?). But don’t you DARE tell me to shut up about being sick when I’ve been practically bedridden for going on two months. If you really think the minute you get pregnant everything after that point is just lollipops and rainbows, you’ve got another thing coming. The only thing being pregnant solves is the problem of not being pregnant. What if I were trying to work a full time job during this? I would have to quit, leaving me with no health insurance, no money, and probably in a position to lose my house. That’s how bad this sickness is. If I had a different job I’d be in serious trouble right now. But I’m supposed to be happy every minute of every day. Ok, sure.
Have I ever said I wasn’t grateful? Have I ever said I’m not happy about it, underneath all the crappy symptoms? Of course not. But let me tell you, when you’re rocking on the bathroom floor at 3 AM for the third night in a row after having eaten nothing but rice cakes and small sips of water for a week, you’re not thinking about how grateful you are to be pregnant. It just doesn’t work like that. I mean, I’m eleven weeks tomorrow, and that’s great, but I could still lose this baby at ANY TIME. I go in for my NT scan next week – they could tell me I’m at high risk for Downs, or Trisomy 13, and then I’d have a horrible and heartbreaking decision to make. One, or both of us, could die in childbirth (not likely, but it does happen). So it’s not like I’ve got it all sewn up. All of this stuff – pregnancy and beyond – is incredibly tenuous. And I do believe everyone – women with fertility issues, pregnant women, and moms – have the right to not be happy and grateful every second. Everyone has their struggles, everyone has their issues. And this lady has a right to be mad at me, sure. It’s her blog, she can say whatever she wants. I remember once I wanted to yell at a pregnant woman who was following me around in Target after I had my third failed cycle. But the difference is, I didn’t.
I hope you feel better soon. Never been pregnant however, some people have it easier than others, and I follow a blog about a woman who is going to adopt her second child because her first pregnancy was very very hard sick wise...anyways not a scare tactic, but just wanted you to know that someone in blogosphere is thinking about you!
ReplyDeleteLife is too short to track who follows/unfollows, who friends/unfriends us.
ReplyDeletesometimes it's hard for me to read all your posts, too, because I haven't been able to experience what you are (hell or otherwise.) Instead of dealing with morning sickness, I'm sweating my ass off in 100 degree weather hosting yard sales to earn money to adopt, and picking up 3 (yes THREE) extra part time jobs to try and cobble the money together.
This road is extremely difficult for many of us, physically and emotionally. We are all entitled to follow, not follow, post, bitch, whine, brag as much as we'd like.
That's precisely my point. I have the right to bitch about being sick, even though it may be hard for some people to read it. The idea that I should shut up and be grateful is just stupid.
ReplyDeleteI know which blog you are talking about in your post – I follow both of you. I don’t want to get into the middle of this, but I will say that that particular post was a response not only to pregnant women complaining but women complaining about their children. If you took it as a direct attack on you, I probably can’t convince you that it isn’t. But that’s not my main reason for commenting anyway…
ReplyDeleteI’m going to be completely honest with you. Until your blog post a few days back where you said you were grateful, I was starting to wonder if you really were. I’m sure you are happy about being pregnant – I mean you went out of your way to get pregnant, so it’s not like it was an accident, but you haven’t had much to say in the line of positive things about it. Granted, it’s your blog, you have a right to say what you want, and if that’s not positive things, then so be it.
Honestly, over the past few weeks I’ve had a difficult time reading many of your posts. In fact, some of them I stopped after the first paragraph. I know that you consider yourself to have gone through infertility, and I’m not going to say that the 3-4 cycles it took you to get pregnant weren’t heart-wrenching for you… I’m sure they were. I just have had a really hard time with all of the negative experiences that your pregnancy has brought you. After two and a half years of not being able to conceive, and trying every month, I wish every day that I could be pregnant. Yes, the illness would suck, but you know what, I’d take that over sitting alone in a dark room wondering why I am so broken, or feeling like I’ve failed my entire family and my husband because I can’t get pregnant, or have the constant questions about why I’m still not pregnant after two years of marriage. I know what crippling illness can be like. I know what it’s like to be in so much pain and nausea that work is nearly impossible. I went through a period of time when I was in so much pain that just walking would double me over in pain… I spent three months last year on such heavy painkillers just to be able to walk around at my job. It was pain so bad that I threw up every half hour in the bathroom at work. I get that.
I’m rambling. I guess what I’m saying is that yes, I can see the point of view of the other blogger. I have often avoided reading some posts because I just can’t handle the complaints about something that I want so much. It’s not that I wish you ill will. Not at all. I hope that your pregnancy and motherhood go well and that everyone is healthy and happy. I just feel some days that you don’t appreciate what it is that you have when others of us have been trying forever (it seems) to get it.
If you take this as an attack, I apologize, it was not my intention. I simply wanted to voice my opinion. And please remember one thing. You said that your blog is your safe place to say what you think. That’s true. You have every right to it. You also said that you wanted to yell at the woman following you around, but you didn’t and that’s the difference between you and the other blogger. I just hope that you realise that her blog is her place to say how she’s feeling. If that means that she voices her displeasure at another blog, that’s her right…just as it’s your right to say that you disagree with her. But please remember that infertility (particularly the longer it lasts) is like a gash in your heart that never heals and continues to get deeper and deeper with each passing day. Sometimes things we don’t want to bother us do. And sometimes, we have to walk away. That's just life.
Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.