Nostalgic for an embryo?

Yesterday when I saw the baby again, the first thing I thought was “wow, they grow so fast!”  I couldn’t believe this formed little baby was the same as the somewhat amorphous blob I saw four weeks ago.  And then suddenly a strange feeling washed over me – this feeling that I just wanted time to slow down.  It’s all happening so fast.  It’s such a miracle, and may be the only time I get to do this.  The first trimester is just a few days from ending.  Is it weird to be nostalgic for an embryo?

I think I’m aware of this now only because the veil of constant sickness has at last lifted and I can think straight again (well, sort of).  I’m always an “enjoy the moment” person, and now that the word “enjoy” is back in my vocabulary, I’m determined to make it happen.  Serenity now!!!

I see my friends’ kids and how fast they shoot up like little beanpoles.  Little squishy babies become long, lean kids with long hair and opinions.  And pregnancy is so short – over in less than a year.  Not that I want to be pregnant longer than nine months, mind you; I’m sure as soon as the third trimester kicks in I’ll be more than happy for it to end.  But this is just such a special time.  I spent so many years – my whole life, really – wondering if I would ever have a baby and wondering what this time would feel like.  What I’d be doing, where I’d live, how old I’d be.  Naturally I always imagined it as a group effort; I never thought I’d not be married.  But you know what?  It feels very natural to me to be single.  My “dad” writing buddy said as soon as I told him, “why am I not surprised you’d go this route?” which I took as a supreme compliment.  He was always very impressed that I traveled the world alone.  I guess it does make sense that a woman who would go to Cambodia by herself would be the same woman to have a baby by herself.  Not that I’m brave or anything – I don’t think I’m any more brave than the average person – but most people just don’t think of doing things like that.  Most single older women don’t think of having babies on their own – or don’t think about it seriously (I’ve had many jokey turkey baster conversations over the years).  Most people talk about traveling the world but never actually do it.  So I guess the difference isn’t so much bravery but just follow through and imagination.  And I’ve got plenty of that.  Fifteen years of running my own business has taught me to always look for angles – my stance is always, “well, if it won’t work this way, then what about this way?”  I got turned down a thousand times for a home loan before I found someone who said yes.  I learned how not to take no for an answer.

I keep thinking about the conversation I had that time with the nice lady at my clinic when she knew I was down about not ovulating – how she’d said she never saw someone with my kind of issues (as in, not serious issues) who didn’t eventually succeed, if they stuck with it.  She said all it takes is persistence.  And she was right!  I plan on sending a very nice note when the baby is born.  Although they frustrated me at times I feel like they did right by me – they listened to me and let me set my own course of action, and were always positive.  I think I made the right choice there, and would certainly head back over there if I decide to go for #2.

So now that things are evening out over here and somewhat normal life functions have resumed, I am going to really focus on just treasuring every moment.  This is a time I’m going to look back on and tell stories about for the next forty or so years.  I want to remember everything, even the crappy parts.