Lime

So today I graduated to a lime.  This means during this week the baby will probably be 1 ½ to 2 inches long.  This is completely incomprehensible to me.  There’s a two inch baby in me?  With, like, fingers and eyeballs and stuff?  Get outta here!  But it’s true. 

I think it’s normal to be kind of in denial at this stage.  I’ve seen posts from women who admit they don’t feel attached to their baby, don’t feel bonded, and in fact kind of can’t believe it’s happening.  Maybe you feel this way until it starts moving…?  For me physically there have been no changes at all – my boobs are bigger, but no different from when I was on birth control.  And I do have a little “bump” that makes me look pregnant, but I pretty much always look that way, so I see no difference.  No maps of veins, no acne, no hair/nail changes.  So far I’m like my old self.  Except for being constantly sick, and being pissy about being constantly sick.

Truth be told I woke up feeling great today – last night was the first night since July 6^th sans progesterone, and I’m sure that’s why I woke up with energy and didn’t feel like my limbs were molded in cement.  Will not taking progesterone make me less nauseated?  I doubt it, but a girl can dream.  In the meantime I think I have figured out the trick of the Zofran – that it only KIND OF works, but in an emergency it’s better than nothing.  So I will take it today anyway just in the hopes I can survive tonight’s gig.  That’s all I ask – just get me through tonight, and tomorrow night, then I’m good. 

Whenever I start to feel like an a-hole for complaining about being sick so much when so many women in my blog circle are moving on to their 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th IVFs or looking into donor eggs, I look at the WTE boards, in which just about every day there’s a woman having a total breakdown because she can’t stand being sick anymore and feels like she’s going to drive off a cliff.  Why does nobody warn us about this???  I honestly think it’s because people forget.  I know that every day I feel sort of ok I forget how horrendous the day before was – sort of like from year to year you forget how cold the previous winter was.  And of course not everyone has it that bad, and maybe some women just don’t mind nausea so much.  But for those of us who get hit hard and hate it – it’s pretty horrendous.  And for me there’s a lot of guilt and bad feelings about letting people down, canceling plans, and not being active in my social scene (which is my business, too, so there’s a lot of fear there).  So, it’s very complex for me.  Also not knowing when it’s going to end, too.  Remember how I used to say I wish I had a crystal ball and could just know I’d go on to have a healthy pregnancy, back when I was trying?  Well, here I am!  And now I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see the day when the nausea finally ends, I can tell everyone, and start having some fun with this.  I know that day will come, but it ain’t here yet.

One of my favorite jokes lately on my usual theme of how we’re all spoiled a-holes in this country comes from Louis CK.  He does a bit about calling airlines to complain about something stupid like a long layover, and when he hears a Pakistani accent on the other line he just hangs up.  Why?  Because he’s here complaining about having to wait two hours in Kansas City, and she’s thinking, “Oh, really?  And I haven’t had a clean glass of drinking water in thirteen years.”  Hey, when it comes to suffering, it’s all relative, right?