NT results

Everything came out great yesterday.  Measurements all good (I believe the neck fluid measurement was 1.5, and they want it to be under 3.5).  The technicians very kindly kept telling me how great everything looked – normal brain structure, good ratios between nose/jaw/neck etc, heart – and how I have a “great looking kid”.  Who doesn’t want to hear that???  Also got to hear the heartbeat – pumping away at 163 bpm.  Completely amazing to me how much the baby has progressed in just four weeks.  It’s a real baby now, with a full skeletal system, little hands and feet, facial features.  I got to see him squirming around – occasionally they’d shake my belly and the baby would jerk in protest, which was an amazing sight.  Do I feel like all of that is going on in my uterus right now?  Not at all.  It is still completely unreal to me.  Kind of like a really wonderful dream I’m afraid I’m going to wake up from any minute.

I have to admit I was a tad nervous as I pulled into the parking lot.  I had a moment as I left the car where I pictured myself an hour later getting back into the car and sobbing my brains out in utter despair – but you know what?  That didn’t happen.  What did happen was I got back in the car and pulled out the ultrasound picture and stared at it and smiled.  That happened.

So they drew blood and will do another draw in a few weeks for a complete profile…but I’m not worried.  When I walked into the exam room they asked me, “so, do you know why you’re here today?”  I said, “other than my advanced maternal age?”  It was my first belly ultrasound – no more “up the vag”, woo hoo!  I have graduated to non-invasive ultrasounds for the time being.  I have my first real appointment with a real ob/gyn on Tuesday.  I’m not sure what this appointment will consist of – they will probably want to talk to me about birthing options and breastfeeding and a bunch of stuff I’m not ready to make any decisions about right now.

Feeling better by the day.  The sickness has had a precipitous drop off.  Not that it isn’t still there, but I’ve been able to do amazing things lately – like consistently brush my teeth without wanting to gag, eating real meals, not having to shove crackers down my throat every hour on the hour, eating in restaurants, and yesterday I actually COOKED.  Yes, for the first time in two months I actually made a meal from scratch and ate it, which was revelatory for me.  I made one of my favorite peasant combinations – white beans with basil, polenta, and spinach (well, frozen peas, because I haven’t been able to keep a fruit or vegetable in this house without it rotting and being thrown out).  I have to admit it didn’t taste as nice as I’d hoped – I still have this sour taste in the back of my mouth all of the time that makes everything taste weird, and some things totally intolerable, like Greek yogurt – but it was great for once to not eat something out of a box or a can.  I hope this trend continues – would love to get back to homemade Mexican food soon, and shopping at the farmer’s market.  I never thought I’d miss dicing garlic, but here we are.

So at this point I am pretty much “out”.  Everyone I was going to tell has been told.  I expect the rest to find out via the grapevine or when I suddenly appear with a belly that can’t just be weight gain.  To avoid her finding out not from me and feeling hurt, I sat down with the last of my single, childless friends over dinner and told her.  I thought she would be jealous and feel abandoned – and there’s a chance she feels that way inside – but I have to admit that once again I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction.  One, I think it’s all about how you tell it; indeed, giving the WHOLE background, with all the struggles to get here, made a difference.  I was thinking about her reaction and my other older, childless friend’s, and I think I know why they were so positive.  I mean, other than being just nice people who are my friends and want good things for me.  I think people react a little differently because I didn’t get the fairy tale.  I didn’t out of nowhere meet some perfect guy, have a huge princess wedding, buy a massive house, and then have a perfect little baby with no difficulty.  As we’ve seen, it’s kind of hard for single women to be happy for friends who have a scenario like that.  Instead they look at me as another woman who just never met anyone decent and decided to take matters into my own hands, and although I made it to a healthy pregnancy, it wasn’t exactly a slam dunk right off the bat.  Nor will it be an easy road in the future.  So I think it’s just easier to be happy for me.  I know that’s how I’d feel.  A couple of years ago if a single friend sat me down and said she was doing what I’m doing, I don’t think I would be jealous at all – I would be fascinated, ask lots of questions, and store the information for later.  Also because there’s no dominant husband involved, I think people see the whole idea as kind of fun – this kid is going to belong to the community, not just to me and my spouse.  Everyone gets to really participate, and those who want to are kind of excited about it.  So all of this has been very interesting, and very positive.

I also told my four guy friends, ranging in age from about 47-55, who constitute my writing group.  As I expected, the only one interested was the one dad; the other two confirmed bachelors said “congratulations” and then turned the conversation to baseball stats.  It’s always touching to me to hear men who get really into pregnancy/birthing stuff because they have a kid – this one told me all about his wife’s home birth (at my age!) and I was quite interested in that, since I’d pretty much written off that option due to my age.  I said that I’ve noticed men don’t really care if they ever have kids, that most are ambivalent at best – my friend said he thinks the only reason some men may care a little is just ego; it’s not at all a deep biological need like it is for a woman.  Especially today when most men are still adolescents at 40; they just want to do what they want to do and don’t want to be held back in any way (but they’ll take the free maid, cook, and sex, sure).  God I’m so glad I’m doing this alone!