I have a collection of alternative comics (or “comix” as they were called in the late 80s – early 90s) in which there is a strip by R. Crumb called “I’m grateful! I’m grateful!” which he probably wrote in response to everyone wondering why he gripes so much about his life when he gets to be a famous comic strip artist and do what he loves for a living. After reading about a spate of new BFNs in my blog circle, I thought now might be a good time to mention that yes, I am in fact grateful to be pregnant, even though it’s kicking my ass right now.
Read this article about the misconceptions of IVF being this “magic bullet”. I’ve read many articles like this, but every time they make me cringe with what might have been – if I’d waited a few more years, if I’d been unlucky enough to have diminished ovarian reserve or endometriosis or other health problems affecting fertility. A few months ago I took part in a survey asking many questions about fertility, age, and IVF, and I could tell by the angle of the questions that they were trying to figure out if women of my age and background think that they can wait until their mid-forties to start trying to have children, and that they can just do one round of IVF and everything will work out brilliantly. As I was answering the questions I was patting myself on the back for my advanced knowledge – that no, IVF is NOT successful most of the time, in fact the success rates are only about 10%, which is pretty horrible if you think about it.
But it is amazing how the average person who has never given any thought to fertility issues really has no clue about this stuff. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve mentioned my “advanced maternal age” and someone contradicted me, saying, “come on, you’re not old – there are plenty of women having babies into their forties these days,” – I’d probably have enough for a cycle of IVF! But that’s the misperception – sure, we all know women who had babies in their forties. But more than likely they are women who already had children (something tells me it’s easier once you’ve been proven fertile) OR they are celebrities using donor eggs. And nobody knows how many people in your circle are trying, and failing, to have babies, because nobody talks about infertility, as we now know. For that one wacky success story (my friend’s hairdresser is having her first pregnancy at 44), there are countless hundreds, thousands of others in their thirties and forties who are suffering in the infertility mill. And suffering silently.
And the one thing I learned about this stuff, when I was going through it this spring and didn’t know if I’d ever be able to conceive, is that it comes from this whole other place that’s not logical or rational. Once you get the bug to be a parent, it’s no longer about “is this the right thing for my lifestyle,” or “can I afford it?” or anything else – it just HAS to be, no substitutes. I’ve known a lot of despair in my life, but the despair of thinking I was going to have an IUI one day and instead being told, “you’re not ovulating again” after another canceled cycle and a failed IUI is indeed a unique and utterly miserable feeling. I can only imagine what this becomes after months and years.
I used to hate those people who told women in their thirties to hurry up and have kids. I remember railing about the gynecologist who told my 33-year-old friend she might want to think about freezing her eggs. I’ve sworn, even on this blog, that I would never be that person that preaches about not waiting too long. But I’ve got to tell you. In light of the rampant ignorance out there about age and fertility, I feel like it’s at least my duty to tell people what my nurse practitioner told me when I was trying – a healthy, normal, 38-year-old woman produces on average only four viable eggs a year. FOUR out of TWELVE. This means if you’re on your own and doing IUI each month, it could take about $10,000 before you hit paydirt – and that’s assuming you got the timing right for that good egg, and you don’t end up immediately miscarrying and having to start all over again. Good times!
I have a married friend who just turned 35 who is talking about “waiting a few years” before trying to have kids, and I want to wring her neck. She knows my whole story; maybe it’ll put a fire under her ass. I don’t know why people always think they’re going to be the exception to the rule and everything will just magically work out for them. I would hate to see any of these women find out the hard way just how important age is to fertility – it’s practically everything, assuming you didn’t have some health issues otherwise.
So that’s the cruelty of all this stuff – you spend your whole teenaged and young life desperately trying not to get pregnant, and then when you’re finally ready often times it’s too late. Or you have less than ideal circumstances (like…no husband) but try to make the best of it as I have. But no matter what you do have to wait around for that biological incentive to kick in. A year ago at just 38 I would not have been ready for this – but a few months later I was. And thank goodness, because for all I know I happened to catch the last good egg I’d ever produce.
So, in short, I just want to say, despite all my winging about being sick and inconvenienced, that I’M GRATEFUL! Happy Labor Day, ladies.
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