The last word on this, then on to happy stuff

I’ve been pretty astounded by the negative responses to my Judgment post.  I had no idea that as I was here just giving an honest account of my struggles with nausea for the past couple of months that people were reading them utterly disgusted with me and feeling like I’m just a big fat ingrate who doesn’t appreciate anything.  I thought the women who had been pregnant would get it (I’m certainly not alone in these symptoms) and those who hadn’t would at least understand that every step of the way there are challenges.  So, I guess when you’re suffering from infertility you’re allowed to be as scared, sad, angry, depressed as you want, but the minute you get pregnant you have to forfeit all of these feelings and be a ball of gratitude and joy every second from that day forward.  I’m sorry but that’s just not fair.

Despite my constant griping I know for a fact that I often made the point of saying that I am grateful, feel blessed, etc, it’s just really hard to connect with those feelings when you’re so sick.  And really, do any of you want to read a pregnancy blog that is nothing but “I feel so blessed, I feel so special”?  I don’t think so.  I’ve kept most of these thoughts to my private journal because it just seemed unkind to express things like that when I know so many people are struggling – it just seemed sort of, well, mean.  So maybe I shot myself in the foot by tilting everything towards the negative in order to save people’s feelings.  But really I’m just trying to give an honest account of my day-to-day experiences here, the good and the bad.  And yes I was totally blindsided by how tough this whole nausea thing has been and it’s been really, really hard for me.  Since the nausea kicked in at 10 dpo I never really had a moment to celebrate a BFP without feeling lousy.  Maybe I just have a low pain (or sickness) threshold; maybe I’m just a wuss.  I accept all of that.  I read lots of infertility blogs which have nothing but months and years of complaint and self pity, and they are entitled to every minute of it.  I just wish people would extend that same courtesy to me as a fellow human being.  This isn’t about “who has the worst problems” but “everyone has their own unique struggle”.  I have to say if you really feel no sympathy for me at all and feel like I should just suck it up and shut up, then, maybe this isn’t the blog for you.  And I mean that in the kindest way possible.  If I’m just making you mad then maybe you shouldn’t be reading.  I’d rather feel like the people who read this think, “yeah, sometimes I feel that way, too,” than “God, would she just get over herself???”

Pregnancy is very complex, physically and emotionally.  I still am not convinced I will come out of this with a healthy, happy baby.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  There is a lot of fear, a lot of worry, and mixed feelings.  I worry that I’m never going to have enough money to give my kid the life I want to give him/her, I worry that I won’t be a good mother, I worry that the kid may have mental or physical challenges that I won’t know how to handle.  I’m scared of childbirth, I’m scared of how to handle a newborn, I’m scared of all the things I have to learn to do when I am utterly clueless when it comes to anything kid or baby related.  I’m scared I won’t have that moment of amazing love that women have when they first hold their baby; I’m scared I’ll have really bad post-partum (I’m probably a prime candidate for that, honestly) and miss out on that important bonding time.  I’m scared I’ll be selfish and non-empathetic like my mother.  In fact I’m scared that despite my best efforts to the contrary, I will become my mother.  Anyone else feel that way?  Anyone?

In other news the nausea seems to have abated somewhat – the last few days have been pretty good; I actually wake up wanting to get out of bed and do stuff.  Even though there’s a thin veneer of “blech” all day it’s manageable.  I try not to take the Zofran because it has a really unpleasant side effect that’s far too disgusting to go into here.  I think also stopping the progesterone helped my energy levels.  So, all that physical stuff is looking up, yippee. 

I watched “Heartburn” today in keeping with my “all men suck” current theme.  I found it especially touching the scenes with the children and how happy the Meryl Streep character is about being a mother.  Seeing her sing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” with her adorable toddler made me think, for just a moment, that it just might be ok.